Fickle Feline

embrace the journey, forget about the destination.

2012-01-05T20:54:00.003-05:00

Results are very important to me. In fact, perfection is preferred, and planned for. Even the things I do to "relax" are about creating a final product that will be pleasing. Cooking a meal that will taste good to everyone. Working out so I can look like the folks in the P90X dvds (a girl can wish). Taking a photo that will accurately capture how beautiful my children are. No matter what, I'm always scoring myself and internally telling myself how I can improve next time.

What if I didn't care about the results at all? If I had nothing invested, except the time it took to sit and breathe? Risky, for me anyway. I don't have a lot of extra time on my hands. When I find a spare moment to drink a cup of coffee, I find myself gazing up at the kitchen ceiling and reminding myself that come summer, I need to put a fresh coat of paint on it. It's been a long time since I did something just for the experience, where I didn't care if I was good at it or bad or what anyone thought.

I started thinking about what I would enjoy doing that would be something where I could truly embrace the journey without a care in the world of where I was headed. Wandering through Michael's, I overheard an announcement about a painting class. Perfect. I know nothing about painting. I don't need to be a good painter. It doesn't matter if my seascape looks like a murky bog or my fruit bowl is mistaken for a toaster oven. Why the hell not?

The first class was an interesting experience. Sitting at a table, in the middle of Michael's with my lovely instructor, I learned about how to hold a brush, blend paints on the canvas, and when to use what stroke. It was fun. For two hours, I was able to let go and just "be" (and was serenaded by a local adult contemporary radio station to boot).

I painted a tree, which for me, was fitting. It looks like a tree (or maybe a hat). Who cares? Certainly not me.

tearing down christmas.

2012-01-02T19:18:00.000-05:00

I find solace in taking down all of my Christmas decorations after the new year. I breathe a sigh of relief with every breakable ornament I wrap up, sorting through stockings, folding the poinsettia table cloth and snow man napkins, and figuring out how to get the nutcracker back into his box. If there were any champagne left in the house, I would have finished it off, as if to celebrate making it through another Christmas.

For the most part, I love the holiday season. And it's way better with kids. This year we saw (most of) a Christmas movie in the theatre, made gingerbread cookies (and ate them before we ever got around to icing them), and listened to Christmas music every time we got in the car. There were several days where we didn't get out of our pyjamas, and we finally managed to dial back our spending.

Of course, the things that stress me out every Christmas still stressed me out. Well, maybe they stressed me out a little less, but that may have been general apathy, who knows? I'm hoping it's growth and perspective that have taught me that if I don't get it all done the world won't end and if someone does or doesn't call me, I shouldn't take it personally because it has more to do with them and their "stuff" than me.

One thing I did this year that I haven't done (ever) is finally repair the box of broken ornaments I hold on to because I just can't bear the idea of throwing them away. It was just me, my krazy glue, and a dozen decorations that had seen better days. I successfully fixed all but two (which went back into the box for next year). The rest of them, they weren't perfect, but they will live to see another Christmas.

the big kahuna of depression.

2011-12-31T10:46:00.002-05:00

As I reflect back on what was 2011 consider what I will strive for in 2012, the elephant in the room is "depression". Unfortunately, it played a dominant role in 2011 and put a damper on some incredible experiences and opportunities. It made me doubt myself and hate myself and held on with all its might no matter what I tried to do to shake it. Thankfully, my doctor, family and friends are a patient and supportive bunch and they stuck by me while I worked through this "big kahuna of depression".

The fun thing about meds is that you don't just magically start taking a new one and stop taking an old one and KAPOW everything is all better. You have to wean yourself off the old med, then ramp up on the new med, and then wait about two months for the new med to get into your system fully to see if it works. And if it doesn't work, then you are back to square one. I should also mention that the side effects of stopping/starting new meds are a real treat - tummy issues, weight gain, sleeplessness and exhaustion. Super fun, I know. And before you start telling me I should just eat right and exercise, let me invite you to go have sex with yourself. If it were that easy, I'd be Tony Horton's girlfriend.

I am hesitant to say this, but I think I may finally be on the right combination of meds, and I have made some personal decisions that are helping me feel more optimistic. Helping myself feel better is not just about taking medication, it is about working on how I communicate, not avoiding conflict, and reaching out when I need a hand. By no means do I think I have depression licked, not by a long shot. But I seem to have finally reached a point where I have my meds right and feel strong enough to deal with some of the emotional garbage that has been cluttering my happiness. Here's to 2012.

this is how i do it: katrina of fickle feline.

2011-12-30T12:51:00.001-05:00

When Ellen of Love That Max (she has her own Max) asked me to write a guest post for her site, I was completely honoured (she is a big deal and an incredible mom). If you'd like to check it out - it's online here.

a christmas lesson from cam.

2011-12-20T15:05:00.001-05:00

Christmas is a strange time of year for me. I am tempted to completely overdo it, but I'm also stressed out because there is just so much to do. And I want it to be perfect, but I know it can't be. Most of all, I want my kids to grow up feeling like Christmas is a fun and relaxing holiday where everyone is happy (damn it!).

Part of my picture of a perfect (and fun and relaxing) Christmas, is the kids having Christmas sheets for their beds. Specifically, flannel Christmas sheets. I have no idea where this came from (or exactly what is fun for kids about sheets?). I certainly never had Christmas sheets, and I turned out relatively okay. Plus, I doubt holly covered sheets would have helped the current demons I'm battling (that's a question for my next appointment).

Anyway, when I was finishing up my shopping last weekend, I passed by the sheet aisle and there they were - calling to me. I picked up a set of twin sheets for Cam's bed and put them in the cart. I wasn't going to buy a set for Max's bed, figuring he wouldn't get it, and wouldn't care either way. Mother guilt kicked in, and I picked out a set for his bed and put them in the cart. For a second I thought to myself that the last thing I need is for Max to look at me when he's in his 20's and say "I will never forget how you didn't buy me Christmas sheets - you are a terrible mother!".

I got home, washed the sheets, and made their beds up. Within an hour, Max had a potty training accident on his bed. The Christmas sheets were no longer full of joy and fun, but were covered in something entirely different. So much for that. I stripped the sheets, remade the bed and salvaged the pillow cases, the irony of it all not escaping me. At bedtime, I asked Cam if she was excited to sleep in her special Christmas bed, and she told me "I want to sleep with Max". Typical.

Later that evening, I went in to tuck them in and found them wrapped up like baby burritos. And while the Christmas sheets were still in the wash, the pillowcases had survived. Not quite what I had in mind, but Christmas isn't always about the intended results. Cam showed me that by relaxing and letting the "fun" win out, that's where the happy memories come from.

believing in max.

2011-12-16T15:04:00.000-05:00

Every day, rain or shine, I drive Max to his therapy session. Round trip, it's about an hour, and it gives me a lot of time to reflect. Unlike his younger sister, Max is a quiet passenger, and I often find myself looking in the rearview mirror, double checking that he's actually in the backseat and that I haven't forgotten the important step of picking him up from school before I make the trip to the clinic.

As I drove by the local mall today, with its parking lot full on a weekday with Christmas shoppers, I was reminded that I really don't want anything for Christmas this year. Don't get me wrong, I will absolutely appreciate and enjoy any gifts I am fortunate enough to receive. But, the things that my heart truly desires are not physical things. The thing I want most in this world, is for Max to continue to have progress. It is my belief in him, and helping him learn how to communicate and navigate our world that keeps my engine running. The words I remember on the hardest days are those of my late friend Kim Pace.

"Visualize it - each and every day and that is what WILL be. Believe it with every ounce of strength you have and there will be no other alternative."

Max has had tremendous progress these past few months. We seem to finally be making real headway with a toileting routine, his eye contact is breathtaking, he is reading and spelling, and he is communicating unprompted. I cannot fully describe to you how my heart swells when he says "Goodbye Mommy" each day when I drop him off at the clinic. He is my daily affirmation that if you believe with all your heart, anything can happen. He is the reason that even on the hard days, I put one foot in front of the other and keep going. He has proven the doomsayers in his life 100% incorrect. And he does so with a smile that will not be denied. Thank you Max for making me a believer.

max update: tree decorator extraordinaire.

2011-12-15T15:09:00.000-05:00

Every year, Max becomes a little more involved in family celebrations. It's exciting to see him show interest in holiday activities, be it birthday cake, opening gifts, and now, decorating the Christmas tree. One of the biggest factors in Max's success is preparing him by having him practice new activities in therapy. Before we had him put decorations on the tree at home, he worked on this for two weeks. Since once a week he has therapy at home, I timed setting the tree up so that he and his therapist could be the first to hang this year's ornaments. I'm almost certain that next year he'll be tall enough to put the star on the tree.

10 ways to make the holidays fun for your child with autism.

2011-12-08T20:29:00.001-05:00

Everyone has hopes and dreams for how the holidays will turn out. There are traditions we want to carry on with our own families and friends. But what if a child with autism is included in the mix? How do you make sure you find a balance between maintaining a festive spirit while also respecting his needs? Here are 10 tips what will help make your holidays a success.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

'america's next top model' crowns the winner!

2011-12-08T13:48:00.001-05:00

The final three models are put to the test with the pinnacle CoverGirl photo and commercial shoot at The Blue Door at the Blue Palace with photographer Nikos Papadopoulos. Lisa nails the photo but has a hard time coming off as sincere in the commercial; Allison once again has a hard time with the bright sunlight, while Angelea produces a terrific photo and delivers a stellar commercial.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

toys for kids with autism: top 10 mom and kid-approved toys.

2011-12-01T13:42:00.001-05:00

As the mother of a five-year-old son with autism, I have lost count of the number of times I have stood in the middle of a toy store and had no idea what to buy him for Christmas or his birthday -- never mind making recommendations for grandparents! After a few missteps and false starts, I have figured out what regular, non-therapeutic toys will engage a child with autism. These are my son’s top 10 favourites.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

america's next top model: tyra wants to be on top!

2011-12-01T11:42:00.001-05:00

Now that the competition is down to four models, the heat is on -- and not just because they’re in Greece. This week’s challenge is one of the best yet. The girls are tasked with writing a blog which will be judged by the editor of Vogue Italia, Franca Sozzani, who also blogs on Vogue.it. Since the winner will also be blogging for Vogue.it, it’s a good idea to make sure that the finalists can string a sentence together.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

max's first trip to the movies.

2011-11-28T15:53:00.001-05:00

Max received his diagnosis of autism 3 years ago. He has had non-stop therapy ever since, and his progress has been incredible (but not a miracle – just a lot of hard work). Even so, we still underestimate him. Last week, my friend Tracy and I were discussing taking her kids and Cam to see the new Muppets movie and she asked "Can Max come?". My brain was quick to say "No, he isn't ready". Instead I said "Let me talk with his therapists and Sarah (Max's respite worker) and see what they think".

Sarah was all for it, and Max's therapists had practice movie sessions with Max – with popcorn and everything – to help prepare him for the dark room, high volume and sitting in a chair. On the day of the movie, I bought the tickets online and Cam and I left early to make sure we could get good seats and to buy popcorn. Sarah planned to arrive with Max after the previews. I was a nervous wreck. Sarah and I had decided before the movie that no matter what happened we would view it as a success and a stepping stone. If he didn't like it and wanted to leave right away, then that would be okay. Of course, I was really hoping he'd love it.

As the previews rolled, my stomach was in knots, until I saw Max and Sarah enter the theatre. I was so proud of him as he made his way up the stairs and sat down next to me. His eyes were as big as saucers and he immediately found his popcorn and turned to watch the movie. I didn't watch much of the movie myself, I was too busy watching Max watch the movie. At some point, Cam told me she wanted to sit next to her brother, so we switched seats. Max didn't even mind when she started reaching over to his seat and touching his arm.

Right before the credits rolled, Max turned to Sarah and said "I want to go to the car". I love that he requested to leave so nicely and that he knew that he could ask to go when he had had enough. He watched the movie for over 100 minutes! As we left the theatre I started to cry (tears of joy!). We have all worked so very hard with Max, it is wonderful to see that when we prepare him and set him up for success, he can enjoy the same things other kids enjoy, which is really all I've ever wanted.

social media 'a lifeline' for moms of kids with special needs.

2011-11-25T15:51:00.001-05:00

Something every mother of a child with special needs tells me is that when they first found out about their child’s medical issues, they felt completely isolated. Friends and family couldn’t relate to what they were going through. Taking care of their child took so much time that it was all but impossible to advocate on behalf of him or her. It was overwhelming.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

christmas albums: the 10 you need to own.

2011-11-15T11:58:00.001-05:00

I am a self-proclaimed Christmas music expert. How did I earn this title? Well, I own over 50 Christmas albums, hundreds of Christmas singles, and I start playing them in early November each year. My kids think it’s awesome, the rest of my family thinks it’s amusing (up to a point), and I take my job of critiquing the season’s new Christmas albums very seriously. You'll notice there’s no Mario Lanza, Vince Guaraldi or Mannheim Steamroller. They weren’t even in my Top 20! Let me know what your fave Holiday albums are.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

boys with autism have distinct facial features, study suggests.

2011-11-15T11:40:00.001-05:00

Researchers have found yet another way to approach solving the puzzle of autism – this time by comparing facial characteristics of a group of boys with autism to a group of typically developing peers. The catalyst behind this study, published in Molecular Autism, was the fact that the face and brain develop in tandem and influence each other from the embryonic state right through adolescence.

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'america's next top model' - when in greece.

2011-11-10T10:35:00.001-05:00

We’re down to six models now, and you know what that means – time to travel! André meets the girls at the mansion and informs them they are going to Greece. They break a bunch of plates, fulfilling a wonderful Greek stereotype and leaving one helluva mess for the maid.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

telling people "my son max, he has autism".

2011-11-06T14:15:00.000-05:00

At least once a week I find myself in a situation where I have to tell someone that "my son Max has autism". I used to dread it, the looks of pity, awkward break in conversation, and sudden inability to meet my gaze. I hated having people feeling sorry for me or telling me things like "God doesn't give you more than you can handle". Uh, yeah, sure...I don't think I "handled" it too well at 3am this morning when Max decided it was time to start the day, but whatever.

These days, when I tell someone about Max, I say it in a very matter of fact manner. I also make sure to say that he's attending senior kindergarten, is in therapy seven days a week, and is incredibly intelligent. I have no idea if someone is feeling sorry for me, but I don't really care. What I hope they take away from learning about Max is that autism is not hopeless. It's really hard, and a lot of the time it sucks big donkey bollocks, but the rewarding moments part the clouds and kiss you with a million rays of perfect sunlight. The steps forward are like winning an Olympic medal. We drink a lot of champagne.

Having a child with autism has changed me profoundly. What I value in people has changed. I have chosen my family over my career – I have changed professions, taken a pay cut, and now work from home. What stresses me out has changed. How I define a "good" day has changed. And I only cry when I'm happy, and even then I don't really cry, but tear up.

My son Max, he has autism. And he has the same potential your kid has, except he's a better reader than your kid, and better looking too. (Oops, did I say that out loud?) You don't need to feel sorry for him, or me. But some kindness and support would be wonderful.

batgirl to the rescue.

2011-11-03T20:12:00.000-04:00

One of the things I really looked forward to before I had kids was getting to celebrate the holidays with them. Because my first child has autism, "celebrating" has always been somewhat augmented to meet Max's needs. We still celebrated, but Max didn't get excited about Christmas or Halloween or the Easter Bunny. He still received gifts, was dressed up in costumes and had a chocolate bunny to munch on, but it really felt like we were going through the motions and doing it for the sake of doing it. I'm glad we celebrated and helped Max experience it in his own way, but I had no idea how excited kids could/should/would get over simple things like carving a pumpkin.

Now that Cameron is 3.5 years old, she gets really excited about holidays. In early September she informed me that she was going to be Batgirl and Max would be her "side kicker" Robin for Halloween. I waited a few weeks and asked her again to make sure she hadn't changed her mind, and she stuck to her guns. I went ahead and ordered the costumes. October rolled around, and suddenly every grocery store in our area was exploding with pumpkins. Cameron wanted to know when we would get our pumpkin and how would we carve it and do we put candy in the pumpkin? She could hardly contain herself. The day before Halloween I finally bought a pumpkin and Cam and I set to work on carving it.

I thought she would be willing to reach into the pumpkin and pull out the guts for me, but she wanted no part of it. She was more of a cheering section than anything else. And after months of feeling so depressed I could barely haul myself out of bed, I felt a glimmer of joy. When I finished carving the pumpkin, we tested it out with a candle and she was SO HAPPY. It was contagious. I found myself looking forward to taking her out trick or treating, to witnessing her pure joy in something as simple as an amazing Halloween display, and getting candy just for knocking on a door and saying "trick or treat" (actually, that is kind of cool). On the big day, Max was sick, so her side kicker Robin would have to live to see another day. Regardless, I think I had almost as much fun as Cam did. The day after, I tried to hold onto some of that joy, grasping at anything that could propel me forward. Depression is an uphill battle, with the weather and my body conspiring against me. But I find myself feeling like I can muster up enough energy to at least try, which is more than I can say for how I was functioning last month. So, thank you Batgirl, for saving the day. Let's do it again at Christmas.

the models make music with rapper 'the game' on antm.

2011-11-03T14:51:00.001-04:00

The theme of this week’s episode is “Go Viral” – a take-off on virtual unknowns who post videos to YouTube only to find their videos shared by hundreds of thousands of people. I find this ironic because before Top Model, Allison actually started out as internet meme Creepy-Chan and is way more famous for that than for Top Model.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

kids have no respect for depression.

2011-10-29T20:28:00.000-04:00

I was reading Allie Brosh's blog, "Hyperbole and a Half" today and surprise, surprise -- she also suffers from depression. I identified with everything she said. I remember how before I had kids, I too could sink into months and months of never-ending sadness. Before kids, I could just say "Screw it" and indulge in all the depression my little heart desired. But now that I have kids, I don't get to let myself hit rock bottom anymore. See, my kids, they have no damn respect for depression. Ingrates. With these little tikes depending on me, I don't get to wallow and I don't get to stay in bed all day. I think the only thing they might tolerate is if I didn't bathe, but even I have a two day limit before I fold and take a shower. Today, instead of laying on the couch and buying them $50 worth of iPad apps to keep them quiet while I watched all of the episodes of Criminal Minds I have recorded, I decided to shed my Zombie Mommy costume and take them to the park. I even brought my camera to document it (you know, proof). They had a good time. I got some fresh air (a good thing, no?). We all got worn out. Good thing some of my photos turned out.

snooki inspires on 'america's next top model'.

2011-10-27T19:59:00.000-04:00

The girls waste no time ganging up on Bianca now that Bre is gone. Bianca is pretty much screwed at this point, but instead of making nice, she informs Kayla that she is “unmemorable”. Kayla fires back telling Bianca that she’s "a bitch -- and bitches never win!”. Sing it, sista!

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letting go of the shame of depression.

2011-10-22T12:56:00.001-04:00

Most people I know are uncomfortable talking about depression (theirs or mine). With all of the teen suicides in the news as of late, I think that we need to get over ourselves and talk about the hard stuff. While bullying may have been the catalyst of what brought these teens to the breaking point, it was depression that actually caused them to take their own lives.

Admitting to being sad about something is one thing. But truly copping to suffering from depression is like laying every personal weakness out on a table for all to see and letting people stand and judge you. It’s even worse when you are someone who people think is really together, tough, and able to handle whatever comes her way. Once they get over the shock that you are depressed, people often feel duped. If they had the guts to say it out loud, they’d say “So, all of this time, you’ve been pretending to be happy, but you’re just a big liar”. And to that I would answer, it’s actually a little of a) and a little of b). I pretend to be happy in an attempt to make you more comfortable and to trick myself into not being depressed. It sort of works, up to a point.

Depression is an ugly disease. And because it is so misunderstood, those who suffer from it often feel tremendous shame. Depression makes me lazy and selfish, throws a grey blanket over my universe and warps everything good in my life into something I don’t deserve. That’s why it’s so important to talk about depression. If we would all just talk about it, let go of our shame, the tolerance and acceptance would be more effective than all of the medication in the world. Which is not to say we don’t need medication, but you catch my drift.

There are days when all I can think about is how badly I want to get back into bed and sleep. Not because I’m physically tired, but because the world is just too overwhelming. I typically try to hide this from those I don’t know well, but I have started being candid with the people I am closest with. Even though there is nothing they can do to “fix” me, at least they know that I’m struggling. They can give me a hug, squeeze my hand, or even just say, “I’m sorry you are feeling so sad. Let me know what I can do to help”. It’s also important to let people in on how you’re feeling because it’s easy for others to take you being down or sad personally, as if they have somehow caused it. By letting them know you are going through a rough patch, they can help you turn your day around, instead of worrying that they have done something to cause your sadness.

I say all of this not to make you feel sorry for me, but to help those who also suffer from depression. Reach out to those around you. Go to your doctor and ask for help. Talk to a professional. Feeling sad all of the time is not normal. You don’t have to live each day wishing for it to “just be over already”. Life is too short to spend it feeling bad. Let go of the shame.

rapid head growth may be an early sign of autism.

2011-10-21T14:38:00.003-04:00

Big heads are common on my husband’s side of the family. My husband gave up on wearing hats years ago and my brother-in-law, who’s in the military, has to have his berets special-ordered. Knowing this, people made jokes before my son was born that with “that big head” I sure was “going to have to push hard to get him out!”

I didn’t appreciate their humour then, and to this day I have remained sensitive of my son Max’s extra-large cranium. You see, Max has autism.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

coco rocha takes on the models in 'antm' week 6!

2011-10-20T11:40:00.002-04:00

This week the girls go to Long Beach, California to play in a flag football charity challenge. As a fitting gesture, the girls who’ve been voted off in previous weeks have are brought back to fill out the teams. Also joining are NFL players Julian Edelman, Jahvid Best, Kareem Jackson, and Dante Hughes. Brittny Gastineau (whose claim to fame is she’s Kim Kardashian’s BFF) and bikini model Julie Henderson are there to provide additional eye candy.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

when your sibling has autism.

2011-10-17T21:36:00.001-04:00

My daughter Cameron was born the same year that my son Max was diagnosed with autism. For her entire life she has been trucked around to parent training classes, specialist appointments, and therapy sessions, all because of her older brother. But she doesn't know any different – to her this is the norm.

She has learned that to make sure her needs are met, she has to speak up for herself and be demanding. Whether it's nature or nurture, she has been blessed with a personality that ensures she will never go ignored. Before we had Cameron, I had no idea what raising a "normal" kid was like. When she just knew how to play with toys instead of throwing them, and she waved goodbye unprompted, I figured I had a wee Einstein in my midst. She made strange with people she didn't know, called me "mama" by one year of age and grew attached to specific toys. Cameron showed me that Max wasn't unable to do certain things because I was a terrible mother. He couldn't do certain things because he just wasn't wired to do them.

This little girl is also one of the most loving and resilient souls I have ever encountered. Having a sibling with autism is hard. He doesn't know how to play like the other kids. He cries when she gets upset and can be rough and aggressive seemingly out of nowhere. But Max has also grown quite attached to Cameron. She often sleeps in his bed with him, loves to take bathes with him, and affectionately calls him "Buddy". When she doesn't want to play outside with him he gets really sad and calls out "Cammie! Cammie!" until she joins him. She often understands what he is saying while the rest of us are left scratching our heads. Best of all, she forces him to be social every waking moment so that even when he isn't at school or in therapy he has a pesky little sister nipping at his heels.

We do our best to make sure that Cameron gets her own share of special treatment. I often take her out with me, just the two of us. She is also a night owl (I suspect this is partly due to taking after her father and partly to get one on one time with us). And while it's less than ideal, most of the time she still sleeps with us. I figure that one day she'll be a sullen teenager that won't want to be seen with me and I'll think back fondly to when she used to take up the majority of our bed by sleeping sideways. Or maybe not. But my point, is that because she puts up with a lot, we are likely more flexible than we would be otherwise.

I'd say she is a bit spoiled, except for the fact that she has to deal with things that most kids don't. She accepts Max for all of his eccentricities, doesn't hold a grudge when he pulls out a handful of her hair (not for long anyway), and my happiest moments as a parent are when I see her and Max playing together. It will be interesting to see how their relationship develops as they get older. Next year Cameron will go to the same school as Max and I'm glad we'll have one of our own keeping an eye out for him.

She may be small, but she is mighty.

ten minutes.

2011-10-16T19:11:00.000-04:00

If you had to select ten minutes as the most important and influential slice of your life, what would it be? This question was posed to me by Jeff Pulver at lunch on Saturday, and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.

I can’t narrow it down to a single ten minutes slice. It’s more like two separate five minute slices. The first would be the initial time I sat down to write a blog about my son Max, and his impending diagnosis of autism. It was a topic I had never broached in a public forum before. Writing about it would have made it real, far before I was ready to accept that my child had autism. I pushed it down for a long time, until denying what was happening became more work than acknowledging my fears of the unknown and accepting that everything was not okay.

My reason for writing about my son being diagnosed with autism wasn’t noble. It was simply my need to express the feelings that were churning inside me that I couldn’t say out loud for fear of breaking down. It was cheap therapy. It was a way to reach out for support without asking for it directly. When I look back at those initial posts, I feel the rough edges, the rawness of it all. Trying to be strong, figure out what the hell I was supposed to do, and overwhelmed by what the future held. And there was always the underlying, unspoken fear of my depression creeping in and swallowing me whole.

People I’ve never met have told me they think I’m inspiring for sharing our journey so candidly. They have no idea that I’m not inspiring in the least. I’m just a mother trying not to drown, doing the best I can to survive. If reading my posts helps even one person, that’s a bonus. It certainly wasn’t what I sought out to do when I started.

The second five minute period came 2.5 years later when I got laid off from my job. Laid off/canned/fired? Who even knows – I certainly don’t care. I had known that it was time to make a career change for a long time. My family needed someone who could catch all the fly balls that get pitched at us on a daily basis. I needed to be that person. I wanted to be that person. But I also needed to make a living and feed my creative spirit. I couldn’t do this from a 9 to 5 desk job. Trying to was killing me.

I remember walking out to my car after I got the old heave ho, feeling like the weight of the world had been lifted off me. The universe was giving me yet another opportunity to learn, and this time I knew I would embrace it instead of turning a blind eye. Within a week I had an opportunity lined up that would allow me to work from home with flexible hours. Within a month I was also getting steady freelance writing work. It all fell into place very easily. I have never felt more fulfilled professionally. And now I don’t cringe when my son’s school phone number appears on my call display.

Without the first five minutes, there would be no second five minutes. It was my life being turned on its head, and deciding to find a way to make it all work – even make sense – that forced me to be honest and make changes. I know that if Max did not have autism, had I not been forced into the world of special needs parenting, that I would still be doing the same unfulfilling job today. I would have been unsatisfied and terribly unhappy. Certainly there would be less stress, but I would have no perspective about what truly matters. I would be a smaller person than I am today.

This brings me to an interesting crossroad. I know I can’t change Max. Fundamentally, he is an individual who has autism. I wish he didn’t have autism, I really do. But I am grateful to him for teaching me about what matters. I am grateful to him for showing me how strong I am. Most of all, I am grateful that because of Max, I discovered that being happy is a choice. I choose to live a full and happy life, whatever that looks like. If I never have an empty nest, if I am always broke, none of that matters. Every morning I am greeted by my children and reminded that I am incredibly blessed to have been afforded challenges that have taught me how to truly live. Not bad for ten minutes.

'america's next top model' week 5 - the kardashians and the jacksons unite!

2011-10-13T13:31:00.001-04:00

This week, everyone’s favourite diva, Bianca, takes on the entire model household.The best two lines of the night come (a) from Bianca – she nicknames Shannon “The Cryin’ Christian” and (b) about Bianca from Lisa, “If she’s afraid of water, I’m the deep end. If she’s afraid of dogs, I’m a pit bull.” I just wish someone would muzzle both of them so we can all get some peace.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

is the new poverty-stricken 'sesame street' muppet a good way to teach kids about hunger?

2011-10-12T16:18:00.000-04:00

Sesame Street is adding a new character to their cast: a seven-year-old girl muppet named Lily. She will make her debut in the October special “Growing Hope Against Hunger”. Lily comes from a family that struggles to have enough food, and she represents the millions of children in North America facing food insecurity. On the special, she talks to the muppets about what it is like to grow up in a family where there isn’t enough food, and she helps Elmo plan a food drive for the food bank where her family has received help.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

what i was doing when i wasn't here.

2011-10-11T20:28:00.003-04:00

My friend Christine and I went to San Antonio last week to relax, recharge, and drink margaritas the size of baby's heads. It was a wonderful trip and I need to sit down and write about it...which I will, soon.

Otherwise, I've had a few other articles published that you might be interested in:

Abducted B.C. Toddler's Parents Give Suspect Forgiveness, Would You?

Study: Non-Hormonal Contraception Method Found More Effective Than Condoms

Take Out Turkey Dinner Places Across Canada

Thanksgiving Planner Countdown & Day of Timing

More articles tomorrow! Book it!

count your blessings instead of sheep.

2011-10-10T23:11:00.000-04:00

It has taken me a long time to get to a place where I feel truly thankful. There have been plenty of days when I have asked myself "Why is my little boy the 1 in 70 who has autism? Why can't it be someone else's son?". I still wonder sometimes what Max would be like if he didn't have autism. But more and more I am accepting that Max is Max. He is wonderful and quirky, beautiful and odd, smart and complex, and most of all, he is my gift. He is my life's work.

Without Max, I would not be who I am today. I have learned more from this little boy in the past 5 years than I learned in the previous 31 combined. He has taught me that if you believe in someone, you can help them achieve amazing things. That dreaming big is powerful, the cup is half full, and positive thinking is contagious. He has shown me that when you are quiet, you can take in so much more than when you speak, and that if you take the time to notice, everything you need to know can be found in a person's eyes.

Thank you, universe, for Max. I am a better person because he is my son. I have no idea where our journey will take us, but I know that Max will continue to bring love and light into the lives of those who know him. Happy Thanksgiving.

antm episode 4: male models & medical jargon test the girls.

2011-10-06T17:05:00.000-04:00

This week is off to a rocky start as Kayla is rushed to the hospital, causing the girls to go through her wardrobe and pick what they each want should she not make it (nice). Unfortunately for the models, Kayla returns later that night. She claims it was a mini-heart attack, but if that were true she probably would’ve at least been admitted for the night, right?

...Read more on iVillage.ca

memories from childhood: the red suitcase.

2011-10-05T08:50:00.002-04:00

It was bright red, the size of an albatross, and it weighed a ton. The surface was ever so slightly bumpy, and it had a few scuffs that bore witness to its escapades. I’m not referring to my Great Grandmother’s prize winning heritage tomato -- I’m talking about the prized Samsonite suitcase that accompanied us on every family trip from before I can remember to when I left for college.

...Read more on Travelingmom.com

are running and marathons safe for kids? expert advice from sick kids.

2011-10-04T11:41:00.002-04:00

As we are all aware, we live in a society of extremes. While the majority of parents are looking for ways to get their kids off the coach and onto the playground, the flip side of this equation is parents who are encouraging their children to participate in much more extreme events, such as marathons. Running 42 kilometres is a challenging distance for adults -- is this something that children can tackle safely?

...Read more on iVillage.ca

traveling with kids: how RODO makes it bearable.

2011-10-03T14:14:00.001-04:00

Traveling with your children can go one of two ways: It can be an incredibly fulfilling experience for all, or it can be a special kind of hell. When planning trips, we all shoot for the moon where everyone is all smiles and gets along famously. The possibilities are endless, and we’re almost as excited as our kids counting down the days until the trip.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

fast, easy and cute DIY halloween costumes.

2011-10-03T13:38:00.001-04:00

With Halloween coming up before you can say “Trick or Treat”, it’s time to start planning out your costume. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to make the perfect costume either! Check out these creative do-it-yourself costumes for inspiration.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

a moment with max.

2011-10-02T18:55:00.002-04:00

Max in October 2008

He looked skyward, turned his palms face up, and stated "It's raining".

Such a simple observation, but an observation nonetheless. And it happened today, at 12:20pm in our driveway. We've been on this autism journey with Max for over 4 years now. First seeking out a diagnosis, and then a relentless course of treatment that continues to this day.

It's little peeks into Max's personality such as this that keep me going. Hearing from his therapists that he is blossoming in his social groups, seeing him giggle with his sister as she tickles him awake from a nap, and witnessing beautiful moments when he is fully aware and connected to his surroundings make my heart swell.

He has helped me in more ways than I have helped him. Without Max, I would have never found my true voice as a writer. In fact, I am beginning to think that my early pursuit of music was to give me the tools to understand how to best reach my unborn son. And most of all, he is a daily reminder of what truly matters in life -- it is about the journey and not the destination. Who even knows what the destination is anyway?

turkey 101: everything you need to know for your best thanksgiving yet.

2011-10-02T13:32:00.002-04:00

Much to the dismay of the Turkey Farmers of Canada , I only prepare turkey twice a year. And every year, I scratch my head and think “How the heck do I do this again?”

Here’s the 411 on what you need to know. Don’t worry, we won’t be insulted if you promptly forget all of this information the day after Thanksgiving.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

7 things i already knew about bloggers and brands.

2011-10-01T17:49:00.000-04:00

* If you aren't into social media, bloggers, talking about social media and/or bloggers, you should probably skip this post.

I spent the last couple of days at the She's Connected conference in Toronto. For some strange reason, I am oddly attracted to these networking events (even though I am an introvert at heart and find these types of things completely exhausting). But, I figure if I am going to do this working for myself thing, I need to get over myself and use every opportunity I get to hustle my wares. Going into this I had no idea that the highlight of the conference would be meeting Raymi The Minx and tweeting inappropriate 140 character missives at her. But hey, that's why we play the game, right?

So, the point of this conference was for bloggers and brands to make nice, talk, get to know each other, and to come to some sort of understanding of where we/they are coming from. It was interesting to meet some of the people behind the twitter accounts of brands like Ford, Toshiba and the Canadian Mint (who knew they were so hip?). After two days of sitting and listening to what bloggers and brands had to say, I can't say I learned anything, but I rarely do at these conferences so that's not a surprise. I think the biggest let down was the brands that were there weren't ready to truly talk/do business. I got a pile of business cards and requests to email people after the conference, but it would have been great to really get down to brass tacks at the event.

My take aways from this event, while not new, were good reminders:

Bloggers:

If you want to work with brands, be tactical and specific. Don't go sleeping around with everyone, build a relationship with brands that are in line with your vision and what you stand for. I only work with brands that value content and want to partner with me in a way that will provide me the opportunity to write about things I am passionate about. Examples of this are Autism Speaks, WonderBra, Sprite, Rogers, CVS Caremark, Disney and MSN.
If you want to make money blogging, then don't settle for cereal as payment. Set your terms, but be reasonable when you are getting started. Get your foot in the door, and as you build your relationship with the brand, you can expand on that and make more money.
You aren't going to be able to make your living off of blog traffic. There will only ever be one Dooce, and you need to get over that.
Be creative and try a whole lot of different things. That's what I love about Raymi. She is unapologetic about how and why she does what she does. She is making a living and is staying true to herself. It may not be what you would do, but before you go judging, at least acknowledge that she has clear goals, is forthright about what she wants and goes for it. I personally find that awesome and refreshing. And if she was in Playboy, I would totally buy it.
Brands have NO IDEA what is going to work with your audience. If you get pitched a stupid idea, go back to them with a better idea. They are new at this and need our help and if you want to work with a brand, then come to the table with something that makes sense for both of you.

Now for the Brands:

You need to think bigger. Don't offer me free chocolate to blog about your product. I don't want to do giveaways on my site either. I also don't want to go to your press conference. If you want to be relevant to me and my readers, be willing to invest in a longer term project that is in line with what I write about or something that I would actually do. Example: I don't drink beer, but if was throwing a fundraiser for Autism Speaks, I would love for a beer company to sponsor the party, provide all the beverages and food, and sponsor Team Maxwell for our annual walk. I'm not interested in test driving a car, but I'd love to partner with a car company that would sponsor Max's service dog and provide a vehicle that can transport his dog. Most of all, I don't want a coupon to buy last year's version of your expensive gadget at $100 off. I'd rather you just ship me your gadget and pay me to write a series of posts and reviews about how I use your gadget, if I like it, how it compares to a similar gadget on the market, etc.
Be more creative with your swag or don't bother. I don't actually care about getting free stuff at these conferences (it's tiring to shlep it around). The best things I took home from this conference were a block of brie that Raymi stole for me and a cute smartphone case that another attendee gave me.

*Back to our regularly scheduled program tomorrow.

antm episode 3: it's all 'bout the "booty tooch".

2011-09-29T09:52:00.003-04:00

This week the models are surprised when Kristin Cavallari – best remembered as “The Bitch” on Laguna Beach and The Hills – shows up at the house. The reality stars commiserate on “the business” and how to be successful after they go back to their realities (if you don’t see the irony in this I don’t want to know you).

...Read more on iVillage.ca

max update.

2011-09-28T09:54:00.001-04:00

Max and Maya at his social group.

There have been a lot of moist eyes around our house lately. We find ourselves tearing up on a regular basis -- tears of joy, of relief, of being a proud parent. Max has had a tremendous month. Starting senior kindergarten was no big deal. After an initial melt down on day one (along with several other kids), he settled right in. This year, instead of reading his daily journal and seeing messages like "Max had a hard day" I get reports from his EA telling me that he is now sitting at circle with his peers, interacting with kids his age in the playground, and was able to stay for the entire music class. I haven't had a single call to come pick him up early (and when I arrive to pick him up he is usually still sitting with his friends eating lunch). It has been a joy to see that all of last year's hard work pay off and to know that we made the right decision for Max by integrating him into public school.

Max and Maya as babies.

One of the key factors in Max having success at school has been a social group that he has as part of his ABA therapy. Every Sunday morning, he, and several other children (a mix of kids on the spectrum and neurotypical kids) participate in a group that is facilitated by Max's therapists. In this group he is learning how to communicate and play with his peers appropriately. We are seeing the benefits at school and at home. Our friends, Jen and Brad, bring their daughter Maya to the group every week so that he has a peer his age to bond with. (I already had a special place in my heart for Maya because I took care of her for a few months when she was a baby. Now I love her even more for what she is doing to help Max.) He has also started talking a lot more, though language is still used primarily to tell us what he wants and doesn't want (but that is such huge progress since last year and we are excited about it nonetheless).

One of my favourite picture of Max and Maya.

The other piece of exciting news is that last week Max was approved for another 6 months of funding through Erinoak. While this doesn't pay for all of his therapy (it covers approximately 50%), it certainly helps. The psychologist who reviewed Max's progress was really excited to see how far his has come in the last 6 months and was very positive about Max in general. She even told me that he is one of the higher functioning kids in the funding program. It's interesting to see Max through other people's eyes. She pointed out that most of the kids who receive therapy directly from Erinoak did not have the benefit of early intervention like Max. He started behaviour, speech, occupational and music therapy at 32 months of age. It's easy to get hung up on how much he still has to learn, but as his Clinical Psychologist pointed out to me, "He's only five".

Max wants to go to sleep, but Cameron won't leave him alone.

While I'm on the bragging train, I also want to add that this past week, when Cameron and I traveled out to be BC to see my folks, Max was just fine. In the past he has had disrupted sleep and increased behaviour when I have been gone for any period of time. This time he seemed to enjoy having time without his little sister and getting one-on-one time with his dad. I can't imagine why...

One last cool development is that Max is going to start using an iPad as part of his ABA therapy. The geek in me loves this, but I'm also excited that Max will be using technology as well. When I think back to the little boy who had to wear a helmet at daycare because he would bang his head on the ground when he got upset, and I see how far he has come, I am filled with optimism about the future. This isn't an easy journey, but it is the most fulfilling experience I've ever had.

autism and diet study: restrictive diets necessary for some, not others.

2011-09-27T14:04:00.002-04:00

Parents of autistic children everywhere are reassessing their child’s diet regimen. A new study from the Center for Infection and Immunity at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health and at Harvard Medical School reports that children with autism and gastrointestinal disturbances do in fact have an altered expression of genes involved in digestion. This is after several studies suggested that the existence of a gastrointestinal disturbance specific to persons with autism could not be established.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

flying with a 3-year-old for the first time.

2011-09-26T09:01:00.002-04:00

We are all familiar with the feeling of gravity pushing you back into your seat as the plane accelerates, the front wheels lift up off the ground and the nose points skyward. But experiencing this for the first time with my three-year-old daughter reminded me that flying in a plane is not something to be taken for granted. The look of pure glee on her face as we flew higher and higher into the sky is what having kids is all about. These moments when we are transported back to our own childhoods when we too found joy and delight in life's miracles are gifts. Getting to fly! In the sky! It is indeed awesome.

...Read more on TravelingMom.com

my go-to show for grown-ups? true blood.

2011-09-24T18:56:00.002-04:00

Most mothers will tell you that their lives are stressful. After a day of hustling kids from one place to the next, making sure that everyone has been fed, forms signed, laundry done, oh and that thing called a full-time job has been attended to, I am pooped. When I finally get a chance to sit down, all I want to do is relax. And by relax, I mean squeeze in some TV (and I’m not talking about Dora or SpongeBob). In fact, while I do enjoy my share of family sitcoms and hospital dramas, what I really need is something that can take me into an entirely different headspace. One where I can suspend my disbelief and enjoy a good story that is stress-free and has nothing to do with my reality. There are so many options to choose from such as Lost Girl or Breaking Bad…. My go-to? It’s True Blood, of course.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

'america's next top model' sends home another hopeful.

2011-09-22T12:28:00.003-04:00

On this episode, Martin Lindstrom, the self-acclaimed “king of branding” -- who I’ve never heard of -- is brought in to tell each model what their personal one-word brand is. He tells them that this is their future and they need to think about it with every piece of clothing they put on. Since he seems unaware that his personal one word brand is “Sprockets”, I think we can all take his advice with a grain of salt.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

did you fear the state of "lady town" after childbirth?

2011-09-20T18:56:00.001-04:00

Confession: the thing I was most worried about when it came to giving birth wasn’t the pain (bring on the drugs!) it was what it would do to my...err...ladytown. Having heard horror stories about sex after childbirth feeling like -- and I quote -- “throwing a hotdog down a hallway”, I was desperate to find a way to avoid what I thought was the inevitable destruction of my vagina.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

new research finds two distinct types of autistic brain development.

2011-09-19T16:02:00.000-04:00

As the saying goes: “If you’ve met one child with autism, you’ve met one child with autism.”

While there are certainly markers of autism that are consistent across the spectrum – like poor eye contact – as a parent of an autistic child, I can tell you that each child is unique. In fact, this is one of the main challenges in treating autism -- no two cases are the same.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

study: low-fat yogurt during pregnancy increases childhood asthma and hay fever.

2011-09-19T10:57:00.000-04:00

Apparently, there are pregnant ladies who eat low-fat yogurt. To this I say, “what the fudge/shut the front door!”. When I was pregnant, I seized the opportunity to eat full-fat everything, including yogurt.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

zooey deschanel the 'new girl' this fall.

2011-09-19T10:52:00.001-04:00

New Girl is one of the most talked about comedies coming to TV this fall. It’s a fresh spin on the roommate sitcom, this time with the quirky, recently single, Jess Day (Zooey Deschanel, 500 Days of Summer) moving in with three bachelors. Think Big Bang Theory, except all of the guys are hot and the female lead is a cross between Anne Hathaway (post makeover) in The Devil Wears Prada and Ugly Betty.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

build your relationships with purpose.

2011-09-16T15:06:00.000-04:00

Do you ever feel like you have too many "friends" on Facebook? Not remember why you decided to follow someone on Twitter? It's easy to feel like your digital life is cluttered. As a writer, I tend to lean towards the attitude of the more friends the better. It's more about social networking than building solid friendships for me. Or is it? Perhaps there are important relationships to be built that I just don't know about yet. Yesterday I attended the #140 conference in Kitchener, Ontario. I knew some of the people who were attending, which was a relief (I find it stressful when I don't see any familiar faces). I "met" a whole lot of new people. And by met, I mean, I heard them speak about topics which they are passionate about and then followed them on twitter and told them how much I dug their presentations.

In 140 characters, I reached out and let someone know that I valued their ideas and wanted to hear more from them. That's powerful, no? The beauty of social media isn't that companies can get you to "like" them on Facebook so that you can get access to exclusive coupons. The beauty of social media is that one person, with one idea, can reach millions of people and start a meaningful discussion. It means that I can tell one little boy's story and influence researchers, doctors, families with children with autism, and sometimes just people who find joy in appreciating the small things. Or maybe reading about Max helps someone know that they aren't alone in this journey. I may never know that my writing about Max has made a difference in someone's life. The only thing I can be sure if is that writing about Max has made a difference in my life. Either way, I figure everybody wins.

As I expand my network, be it through Facebook, Twitter, conferences or real life, I make a conscious decision about who I am going to build relationships with - who I am going to "let in". Of course, the opposite is true as well -- when people meet me, they will decide if I am worthy of building a relationship with. Yesterday was a terrific reminder of how we can all use social media to make a profound difference in our world and how we can make meaningful connections so long as we manage our influence over those we reach, responsibly. Never forget, as Jeff Pulver so eloquently said in his opening address "We're living in a time where 100s of millions can find each other from one single idea, one single voice". Here, here!

america's next top model season 17 premieres.

2011-09-15T18:33:00.001-04:00

For season 17 Tyra is bringing back 14 fan favourites from past cycles for “The All-Star Cycle”. Her goal this season is “to find someone who can be a name”. We quickly learn just what she means as it becomes clear that the girls won’t just be judged on their modeling, but on their star power.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

bachelorette party in niagara wine country

2011-09-12T14:33:00.000-04:00

Need an idea for a bachelorette party? Here’s one that allows everyone to enjoy as much wine as they want, take in the scenery and not worry about driving or directions! Sound to good to be true? Well, I just spent a weekend in Niagara with seven of my girlfriends and we had a blast (and stocked our wine cellars).

...Read more on Travelingmom.com

study: the MMR vaccine does not cause autism. period.

2011-09-12T14:25:00.000-04:00

No evidence has ever been found conclusively proving that the M.M.R. (Measles Mumps Rubella) vaccine causes autism. Despite this, many parents are deciding not to have their children immunized for fear that getting their child vaccinated will put them at risk for developing autism.

...Read more on iVillage

the isolation of autism: letting your friends in.

2011-09-11T10:24:00.001-04:00

Over the past three years, Scott and I have not made much effort to be social. I dare say we have done the opposite - doing our best to keep to ourselves. Part of it was because going out with Max was (and still is) a lot of work. It can also be hard to see Max through other people's eyes. Explaining why he behaves the way he does, the ins and outs of autism, is exhausting. So we turtled, only letting a select few into our world.

These past few months, we've started to turn our ship around. We are attempting to get out more (sometimes just with Cammie, so she can get a taste of birthday parties and the like). I have slowly been extending invitations to friends to come over to our house to visit. We're lucky that our friends have been so patient and understanding of our situation. I know that every one of them really wants to help, but is at a loss as to what they can do.

Our friends Jeff and Korrie came over for dinner yesterday with their son Jared. It was so wonderful getting to spend time with them again. Best of all, they made a real effort to interact with Max, and Max responded (especially to his honorary Uncle Jeff). Seeing how much fun they all had, it makes me wish we had let them in sooner. Friends are where it's at.

90 day challenge update.

2011-09-10T10:06:00.001-04:00

I started my 90 day challenge on August 16th by changing up my nutrition. Between supplements, cutting out the junk, and eating better, I've lost 5 pounds. I also started P90X again, which has given me a boost. Until this past week that is. I'm not sure if it was the whole back to school thing or what, but this week was tough! I managed to stay pretty much on track diet wise, but my workouts suffered. I guess you can't always nail it, eh? So, back on track starting today! I had a shake for breakfast, some blueberries for a snack, and I'm in the process of doing some healthy menu planning for tonight (thinking steak and salad).

In other news, my mom decided to join the 90 day challenge with me, and she is down 4 pounds in under 2 weeks! Nice! I asked her how she liked it and she told me that she finds it is working well - especially because there aren't a lot of healthy eating options at work. She makes her shake at home and then has it for lunch. I'm guessing she's saving some money too. Every time you step foot in the cafeteria it's at least $8. I'm looking forward to getting out to Vancouver in a couple of weeks to see how good she's looking.

Exercise: P90X workout

Nutrition: Transformation kit supplement program

my month of couponing: 10 things i've learned.

2011-09-09T19:10:00.000-04:00

After 30 days of couponing, I’ve got 10 valuable tips that will save you both money and time!

1. The best coupons are found online. Go to the websites and Facebook pages of your favourite products to find coupons.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

america's next top model is back! meet the contestants.

2011-09-09T17:06:00.000-04:00

This season of America’s Next Top Model features fan favourites from previous seasons and it’s sure to be one filled with plenty of entertainment and drama. How will these previous runners-up fare this time around? You’ll have to tune in on September 14 to find out!

...Read more in iVillage.ca

autism and transitioning smoothly into senior kindergarten.

2011-09-07T08:53:00.003-04:00

Officially speaking, yesterday was Max's first day of senior kindergarten. We got up late (due to some middle of the night poop shenanigans), which was less than ideal as I was hoping to get to school early. Over breakfast I showed Max pictures of his favourite EA and of the kindergarten classroom he would be returning to. I explained that "Today we're going to school again - yay!!". Max looked at me and said "Nooooooo". I would have laughed if I wasn't so nervous about the whole thing. Surprisingly, we managed to hustle out the door with time to spare. As I pulled into the bus loop at school, Max started repeating "No Thank You! No Thank You!". He tearfully got out of the car and proceeded to lay down on the sidewalk and start crying. My heart broke a little bit -- last year's rough start is still fresh in my brain. His EA, Mrs.W, came out and helped me bring him inside, and he continued crying. After giving her the run down on the summer, I left, with the agreement that if he hadn't stopped crying by 10am, she would call me. When the phone rang at 9:30am, I was ready to go, but it was Max's teacher, telling me he was doing just fine and had even gone to the school assembly (a first!). Apparently after the initial tears, he remembered that he actually likes school, and settled right in. Yay Max!

This morning, we got up, had breakfast, got dressed, and were even out the door in time to stop for a treat at Tim Horton's. Max got out of the car and stood in line with the other kids with no problems. I took this picture when his face lit up at the site of Mrs.W. What a little rock star! Once again, Max has risen to the challenge and blown me away. I could not be a prouder mama!

beating back the winter blues (in advance).

2011-09-06T10:42:00.000-04:00

The beginning of September means two things to me: back to school and the beginning of Fall. I'm actually a fan of both. Back to school means we can finally settle back into a somewhat regular groove and get the kids back into a better sleep schedule (at least that's the hope). Fall means that my allergies are going to calm down, and that the sticky summer heat will wrap up. But it also means less sunlight, which is a problem for someone who suffers from depression.

This year I'm taking a much more proactive approach in battling the winter blues. I know that I'm at risk of sliding into a major depression. Life is stressful, likely to get more stressful and if I don't tackle it before it gets out of hand, I'm pretty much signing myself up for 6 months of misery. So, what am I going to do about it? The obvious thing of course -- eat right and exercise. I'm setting up a healthy menu for my family, cutting out the booze, and the sugar, and as much processed food as I can. I'm also starting up another round of P90X. My motivation for that is that a new P90X program is coming out in December and I'll need to be in shape to handle that. Also, I want to look fit and happy in our Christmas pictures!

A lot of people will probably think it's a little over the top to be thinking this far ahead, but if you suffer from chronic depression like I do, it is the smart thing to do. I am also someone who does better with a program to follow. For me to simply say "oh, I'm going to workout more" won't work. I need a concrete plan, with clear goals and expectations built in or else I'll fall off the wagon. The bonus is that when I exercise, I automatically eat better and drink less as well. (If I'm going to sweat that much why would I sabotage it with eating a bunch of junk?) Vitamins and fish oil and eating salad at lunch and dinner are also staples this time of year.

I started my "beat the winter blues" program 3 weeks ago and so far so good. I am easing myself back into exercising (I am still super sore), and getting better at menu planning (which my husband really appreciates). I was tempted to put off getting started on all of this until after school started, but I am so glad that I didn't wait! It feels good to be starting off on the right foot, and already down about 5 pounds. If I stay on schedule with P90X, I'll wrap up in early December and be able to take a bit of a break before starting up the new program. I'm thinking that by getting started early with a clear plan will help me have a much happier winter this year. Last year was rough so here's hoping!

Exercise: P90X workout (currently on week 2)

Nutrition: Transformation kit supplement program

my month of couponing week 3 - the price match challenge.

2011-09-04T08:09:00.002-04:00

Any couponer worth her salt will tell you that some weeks are better than others when it comes to deals. After scouring the weekly flyers for deals and trying to match up my coupons with items I actually need, I ended up feeling fairly disappointed with my prospects. My friend Katherine at Little Miss Save informed me that the first week of September is always a good one. From the looks of the flyers that landed on my doorstep this evening, she wasn’t kidding!

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max update.

2011-09-03T10:46:00.001-04:00

With school starting on Tuesday (yay!!), I've been reflecting on how much progress Max has had over the summer. He has a lot more language, he is following instructions more consistently, and best of all, he has developed a really strong relationship with his little sister Cameron. Granted, I'm a little nervous about how the first day of senior kindergarten will go. Big transitions are always tough, but hopefully Max will be happy to see his favourite EA Mrs.W and pick up where they left off in in June. The good news is that Max is in a JK/SK split, so he will be in the same room and have the same teachers as last year. A lot of the kids will also be the familiar, so we're crossing our fingers that his Fall goes more smoothly than his initial entrance into JK last year.

One of the things that has brought both Scott and me a lot of joy this past month is observing how well Max and Cameron have been getting along. At least once a day we find them giggling up a storm together (usually jumping on a bed or a couch). Of course, Max is still a stinky older brother and he enjoys teasing Cam (I never thought I'd hear her say "Max is touching me! Make him stop!"). Max thinks poking Cam is tremendously funny and has an impish grin on his face when he does so. Teasing strikes me as a very subtle action, and as much as Cam finds it annoying, I think it's awesome.

We have also been working on Max's receptive language, which is much stronger than any of us suspected. I'm finding that if I give him an instruction, and then wait for a few seconds, giving him a chance to process what I've asked, he usually follows through and completes my request. (It's easy to be impatient and repeat yourself before giving him a chance to do what you've asked.) What happens when you repeat yourself is that he has to start processing what you have said again, which starts a vicious circle of both of us getting frustrated. As always, patience gets you everywhere.

Yesterday, I asked Max to carry his new backpack to the car. He picked it up and started dragging it along the sidewalk. I corrected him and told him to "pick it up" and much to my surprise, he looked at me, and then picked it up and carried it properly. We got to the car and I asked him to put it in the car, and he did so. He will also clear his plate and fork from the table and bring me maple syrup from the fridge for his pancakes. Did I mention he can also dress himself completely? This little boy has come so far in a few short months - I am excited to see what sort of progress he will have this school year!

figuring out who i am.

2011-09-02T10:42:00.000-04:00

I'm starting a new project. One that I believe will help me have a clearer vision of myself and become a stronger writer. My blog, Fickle Feline, has been around since 2004. A lot has changed since then. It started out light and fluffy, because that's what I felt comfortable writing about at the time. Since then, my blog has become a place where I write about autism, mental health, and being a mom. I also write professionally about these topics, as well as a few fluffier ones (I'll never stop writing about reality TV, I love it too much).

It's really a bit of a mishmash isn't it? While writing about all of those topics is important to me, I think that there needs to be a place where I write about about my journey, a place that defines who I am and what I want the world to know about me. Fickle Feline will always be my main blog, but I'm also starting KatrinaCarefoot.com where I'm going to focus on writing about finding joy and truly defining what I want my web presence to be. The site is currently a blank slate -- sort of like moving into a new house. It will be interesting to see what furniture I decide to move back in, and what gets left behind.

the secret to weight loss.

2011-09-01T16:24:00.001-04:00

After all of the years I have spent trying to lose weight and get in shape, I finally figured out the secret to weight loss. I bet you’re dying to know what it is, right? Well, unfortunately for you (and for me), the secret is that there is no magic pill you can take to lose weight and get in shape. The only way to really change your body is to eat healthy food in moderate quantities and to get off your ass and get moving. That’s it.

Knowing this, a few weeks ago I started a really good supplement program to get me on the right track. It’s a 90 day challenge (see...there are no quick fixes). I’ve been on the program for 2 weeks now (in whole hog doing the Transformation Kit) and I’ve lost 5 pounds, which I’m really happy with. I also feel exceptionally clear headed and light (as if the world has been lifted up off my shoulders). To rev things up a bit, this week I also started my second round of P90X. I did my first round back in January and I had amazing results. Unfortunately for me, I totally slacked on exercising this summer, and I am now paying the price for it. Ouch!

So, that’s where I’m at. Slogging it out with Tony Horton and doing my best to eat an exceptionally nutritious diet. On top of that, I’ve cut down on my alcohol intake (no more lazy afternoons on my neighbor’s back deck drinking vino) and increased my water intake. My goal is to be fit and ready to conquer the sequel to P90X which is coming out in December. Also, I have a certain pair of jeans I’d love to squeeze into.

If you’ve been thinking about turning a new page and switching up your eating and getting your butt in gear, now is a great time! Don’t wait. I had been thinking about putting off getting back into P90X until Max was back in school when I’ll have more time for me, but I realized that there will always be a reason to not exercise. And really, there is always time to exercise if it is a priority. So get off up your butt and join me! I could use the support!!

Exercise: P90X workout (currently on week 1)

Nutrition: Transformation kit supplement program

this is not okay: 9-year-old with asperger's syndrome handcuffed.

2011-08-31T10:21:00.000-04:00

This photo was taken the day before Max got locked in a storage closet at daycare by one of his teachers. He was only 18 months old.

It has come to light that police were called to a Toronto daycare last month because a nine-year-old boy with Asperger’s Syndrome (an autism spectrum disorder) was having a tantrum. Police decided to handcuff the child to restrain him because they deemed him a threat to himself and others.

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gadgets and gear your kids need for school.

2011-08-30T20:30:00.000-04:00

PC vs. Laptop?

For younger students, I recommend a PC that is set up in a shared space of your home, hopefully where it isn’t too loud. Younger students typically need guidance in using computers and with all of the chat programs and social networking sites out there, it is always a good idea to keep an eye out to ensure they are behaving in a way that doesn’t endanger themselves.

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7 year wedding anniversary.

2011-08-28T20:13:00.000-04:00

The thing I remember most clearly about my wedding day is how very excited I was to be marrying Scott, and how positive and optimistic I was about our life together. The future's so bright I gotta wear shades type over the top happiness. We were young(ish) and foolish and thank dog for that. Surrounded by our friends and family, we took the plunge and became husband and wife. For better or for worse, in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad, in joy as well as in sorrow - wowzers - that's some heavy shit!

Before we got married, I remember thinking that Scott and I had already been through so much together. We had dealt with a lot of hard stuff, and we could conquer anything as long as we did it together. In retrospect, I had no idea what the definition of "hard stuff" was, but I was right that as a team, we could get through anything. And equally important, the support of our friends and family would lift us up on our darkest days.

We have done a lot of living in the last seven years. A baby boy on Scott's birthday and a baby girl on mine were the two best days of my life. Of course there has been tremendous stress and sadness as well. The road to Max's diagnosis of autism was heartbreaking. The ups and downs of raising a child with autism is a never ending roller coaster ride. But we are on this ride together, sitting side by side in the front car. And the ride keeps changing - some days it's a ferris wheel and other days it's the tower of terror. Every day we do our best, navigating unknown terrain. The key is we do it together, with a growing community of people who love and support our little family. Happy anniversary Scott!

my month of couponing: week 2.

2011-08-27T06:55:00.000-04:00

Apparently, I have been shopping with my head in the sand for my entire life. I’m not proud to admit this, but I have never really paid attention to the cost of food. I know that a tiny container of blue berries at $4.99 is more than I’m willing to spend and that the lactose free milk my kids plow through costs way too much, but that’s about it. I’d fail miserably on The Price Is Right.

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max update: 2 steps forward.

2011-08-26T08:27:00.000-04:00

Something that I have learned on this journey with Max is that progress comes at the most unexpected times. Sometimes it is so small that you almost miss it, so it's important to be observant and appreciative of these little moments of heaven on earth. Yesterday afternoon, Max adamantly informed me "I want a scone!". Of course, we had none, so I replied "Okay, let's go to the store. Get your shoes on". My usual method of wrangling Max and Cam is to put them in our wagon and pull them, but my shoulder has been super sore so this wan't an option. I told them "You both have to hold my hands, okay?. I waited for the objections, but there were none. We headed over to the local bakery (a 5 minute walk), me with one kid on each arm. This would not have happened a month ago.

There was no objecting, flopping, or trying to bolt. When we got to the bakery both kids waited calmly for me to buy their scones. I decided to push my luck and drop into the grocery store for some milk. They were fine with that. I started to wonder whose kids these were and where had my kids gone? We walked home and I breathed a huge sigh of relief and gave the kids big ups for doing such a great job and cooperating. They acted like it was no big thing and went out back to play. Cam quickly got bored and decided she wanted to come in. At this point, Max got really upset and I asked Cam "Why is Max so sad?" to which she replied "He wants me to stay outside and play with him". I said "Then get back out there and play!". Usually Max prefers to be by himself in the backyard, so this was HUGE. He actually wanted Cam to stay outside so that he could interact with her.

In all of the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it is so easy to lose sight of progress as it inches along. Sometimes a close up view of the big picture is just what we need.

autism & public school: how one mom is making it work.

2011-08-25T13:46:00.000-04:00

Making the decision to integrate a child with autism into the public school system is something more and more parents are having to face. My husband and I decided to enrol our son, Max, into Junior Kindergarten last Fall. It was our belief that having our son participate in school from as early an age as possible would benefit him. There were many challenges -- especially in the first few months -- but it ended up being a positive experience for Max and those that had the opportunity to work with him.

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90 day challenge update: week one (girl math).

2011-08-24T12:03:00.001-04:00

Ladies, please tell me I am not alone here. Unfortunately for me, my first week weigh in lined up perfectly with my PMSing. Drum roll please...I lost 2 pounds my first week! I'm confident I actually lost about 5 pounds, but it isn't showing up on the scale because I am about as bloated as a beached whale (they're bloated right?).

The good news is, the other symptoms of PMS are not so bad this month (break outs, crankiness, feeling run down). In fact, aside from the usual monthly water weight, I'm feeling a-ok. I'm combating the water retention by drinking a tonne of water (which I've always found to be kind of a weird solution, but whatever). I continue to feel very even-keeled and my anxiety has been almost non-existent. When I have felt the stirrings of it in the pit of my stomach I am able to calm myself with some positive self-talk instead of previous go-to solutions (like, say, a glass of wine, which doesn't really work so well in the Tim Horton's drive thru when the guy behind me gets out and yells at the lady in front of me for butting into the line). Instead of freaking out I paid for the angry guy's order and asked the lady at the drive thru window to tell him I hoped his day got better. Paying it forward, you know.

This week I'm going to kick it up a notch and get my ass in gear. I didn't do much exercise this week and I know once I get moving the weight will too! Also, my mom has decided to join me on my 90 day challenge, which is super motivating.

Exercise: P90X workout

Nutrition: Transformation kit supplement program

2 year anniversary of max starting to talk.

2011-08-19T16:40:00.001-04:00

This post is dedicated to Kim Pace

Two years ago tomorrow, Max started talking. Up until that point, I really wasn't 100% convinced it would happen. I hoped and prayed that I would one day hear my son say "Mama" in his sweet little voice. On August 20, 2009, he did just that. I remember calling Scott on my way home and putting the phone up to Max's face so that Scott could hear him talk. Scott told me later that he sat and cried tears of relief at his computer after hearing Max say "Dada". It was a big day.

So we celebrate. We celebrate this milestone because it is important to remember how far Max has come. It is so important to stay positive and truly rejoice in Max's progress. This video was shot this morning. Max doesn't like having his picture taken so he did his best to avoid looking at the camera. It's still mind blowing though. Max - you are a rock star! Kim, you promised me he would talk, and check out our little guy now!

August 2010: One year anniversary of Max talking
August 2009: Yay!! Max is talking!

my month of couponing: can you 'extreme coupon' in canada?

2011-08-19T09:45:00.000-04:00

The Challenge: Only buy items with coupons for 30 days -- WEEK ONE

If you've seen the show Extreme Couponing on TLC, you likely shook your heads in amazement at how these people manage to “buy” hundreds of dollars worth of products for mere pennies. Have you ever wondered how they do it? Is it even possible do shop solely with coupons here in Canada? The answer: sort of.

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90 day challenge update.

2011-08-18T16:16:00.002-04:00

Today is my third day of the 90 day challenge and while I haven't weighed myself yet, I'm already feeling lighter. I mean, I feel good...really, really good. Being married to a doomsayer has made me a bit of a skeptic, so when my friend Marcelo asked me to try this program out and write about it, I told him that I would try it, but I would be completely honest about my experience. Meaning -- if I hated it, that's what I would write. That didn't put him off, which was my first hint that this would be a positive experience.

Yes, it sounds like I am drinking the kool-aid, I know. But I feel amazing. In fact, I can't remember the last time I felt this even-keeled and positive. My best example is that this morning, when Cam threw one of her epic tantrums (the entire 15 minute drive to daycare), it didn't even phase me. Typically, I would get super stressed out and feel like my head was going to pop off. On my way home I got a call saying the mould excavators (long story) were coming in an hour instead of tomorrow and I had to get home and empty out our entire kitchen before they arrived. And I was fine. Like, really fine.

Oh yeah - and my hair is shiny and my skin is glowing. On Monday I was feeling like 10 pounds of poop in a 5 pound bag and today I feel wonderful. Okay, I'll stop now...

Exercise: P90X workout (currently on week 2)

Nutrition: Transformation kit supplement program

autistic kids have 20% chance of younger autistic siblings.

2011-08-18T12:26:00.001-04:00

photo credit: Anita Zvonar

As a parent of one child with autism, I have long suspected that the rate of autism in younger siblings of children on the autistic spectrum was higher than the published reports of between 1 in 10 and 1 in 30. The journal Pediatrics has released updated findings from the largest sibling study of its kind which supports my suspicions. Unsurprisingly, the results show that in families with a child on the spectrum, there was a 1 in 5 chance that a younger sibling would develop autism as well. The rate was higher when the younger sibling was male (1 in 4) and lower when the younger sibling was a female (1 in 9).

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link between autism and adhd discovered.

2011-08-17T13:32:00.000-04:00

It's long been accepted that there is a genetic component to autism, but this is not the case for Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), which many people consider to be misdiagnosed on children who are merely “spirited” or have a high level of energy. Howver, a recent study published by the journal Science Translational Medicine has found that genes that appear to contribute to ADHD in some children overlap with genes contributing to other neuropsychiatric conditions, including autism.

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wordless wednesday: good thing she's cute.

2011-08-17T10:29:00.000-04:00

cutting the crap: 90 day challenge.

2011-08-16T21:03:00.001-04:00

One would think that summer would be time that I would be most motivated to eat healthy and stay in shape, but nope -- I'm not and I didn't. There are lots of reasons (excuses) for this. Losing two friends, a major change in lifestyle with being home all day, and the ups and downs of having a child with autism to name a few. The thing I have realized though, is that there will always be reasons (err...excuses) to not take care of myself. It is very easy to let my health land at the bottom of my priority list (too easy!!). Do I think I'll ever completely nail this healthy living thing and never need to apply checks and balances? No, I don't. But is it time to give my head a shake and my ass a kick and get moving? You betcha.

The universe must have known I needed a little help, because out of the blue, my friend Marcelo sent me an email suggesting I try a 90 day challenge that involved nutritional supplements. I wasn't sure what to think, but figured that the timing was perfect and that this might be just the thing to get me back on track. After doing some research into the program, I decided, what the heck, might as well. I've never done a program like this before, but I have done Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, No Carb/Low Carb, and guess what? None of them worked long term.

This program involves a 90 day challenge. Today was day one and so far so good! I was worried I would be hungry but I'm feeling full and energized. I would like to get back down to my wedding weight of 140 pounds. Today (gulp) I weighed in at 173 (which I am blaming on a crazy summer and some new medication that is not helping me on the scale). Can I get down to 140 by the end of the 90 days? Well, that may be a little out of reach, but who knows? I'll be updating my progress here for one and all. If you feel like joining me, let me know - the more the merrier and I can use all the support I can get!

Exercise: P90X workout

Nutrition: Transformation kit supplement program

mental health monday: tangled in the vines.

2011-08-15T10:58:00.001-04:00

Sometimes the advice you give to others is the advice you should be saving for yourself. Funny how that works, eh? This weekend I spent Saturday at a Bachelorette party in Niagara. The bride, my friend Raye, was accompanied by 7 women, all married and/or moms, for a day of wine tasting. Let's just say it got a little rowdy. We went to four wineries, including Vineland (where Scott proposed to me almost 8 years ago). It was interesting being there with someone who is about to embark on this crazy adventure called marriage. Also, where the heck have the last 8 years gone? When I think back to the person I was back then, I almost don't recognize her. She had no idea what was in store for her, that's for sure.

Of course, getting away for a day is always a nice treat for me. Those of us with children gave helpful advice like "don't have kids" (which we didn't really mean, but seemed funny by the 4th winery). We could all relate to the stress of planning a wedding, and shared all of the stuff that went sideways on our big days. Amazingly enough, I am not the only one who finds there are not enough hours in the day (though I really have a hard time believing anyone without kids has a leg to stand on when making this complaint). The common thread of the day was that even though we all have very different lives, we are all more the same than we are different.

Huh. So, I'm not the only one who gets stuck. Or struggles with body image issues. Wonders why my husband does that thing that irritates the hell out of me. Wants to eat healthier and drink more water (as I reach for the wine). Finds it more appealing to sit when I know I should move. Finds juggling work with the rest of my life a challenge. Thinks Sauvignon Blanc smells a bit like cat pee (actually I'm alone on that).

Somehow knowing I'm not alone in these things makes me feel motivated to make some changes. How can it be that these stunningly gorgeous women don't see their awesome beauty? Why is it so hard for us to do the very things we know would help us feel better, be it eating right or moving our bodies? And the self doubt? I find it humbling and mind numbing. My advice to several of my friends was that they need to figure out what their hearts are telling them, and separate that from the swirling emotions that are bouncing around in their brains. They need to fix the disconnect between their bodies and minds. They need to love themselves first before they can love anyone else. All good advice. I think I'll try to take it.

helping max find the calm.

2011-08-09T20:19:00.000-04:00

Today was day 2 of Max staying at home in the morning instead of going to daycare. While yesterday was tough (Max got up at 4:30am and was all over the place emotionally and behaviourally), today was much better. Max slept until 6:30am and seemed to like being home. He even rediscovered some of his favourite books and we didn't see the outbursts that have become part of his repertoire. Reports from his therapists were positive this afternoon as well. Max is participating in a music therapy camp this week, which is a nice break from his intensive therapy. He has a therapist with him to support him, but it is good to change up his schedule and give him opportunities to try new things.

Personally, I am finding myself exhausted both emotionally and physically (I'm sure Scott is feeling run a bit ragged too). There have been a lot of changes for us to manage lately, and we are all doing our best to get comfortable with new schedules, roles and most of all, just trying to support each other the best we can. While I'd never ask time to speed up or slow down, I am looking forward to life settling into some sort of groove where we can operate in more of a comfort zone, at least for a bit. I think we're doing all the right things to get there and it is just a matter of time and keeping at it. Now I just need to figure out how to squeeze a few more hours into the day so I can get my work done!

smile with your heart.

2011-08-07T14:52:00.000-04:00

This Saturday I had the good fortune to spend the day with my friend Shelagh and eight other women at an Open Heart Workshop. It was an extremely powerful experience for me, and one that has left me feeling both grounded and much lighter.

The description of this workshop is that it "gently guides you to feel and understand your heart better, so you can feel calmness, peacefulness, and joy every moment of your life. You will also learn to recognize the difference between the heart, brain, feelings, emotions and thoughts"

Level 1 offers you the opportunity to open your heart to:
- Reduce stress
- Learn to let go burdens and negative emotions
- Learn to shift negative into positive for a more fulfilled life
- Become more focused and aware of your surroundings
- Improve your physical, mental and emotional health

It also touched on trusting that the universe has your best interests at heart and if you can let go of expectations and let the universe unfold for you, you will ultimately be much happier. Something to work on for sure.

Imogen Heap - Propellor Seeds:

do the right thing.

2011-08-05T14:48:00.002-04:00

After much discussion and careful consideration, we have decided to remove Max from daycare for the remainder of the summer. This is by no reflection a statement on what we think about the daycare (Cameron goes there and she is doing terrific). It just wasn't working for Max this year. Over the past month we have noticed a lot of regression into behaviours we haven't seen in a long time. Toileting problems, inconsistent sleep patterns, increased stims and screaming in frustration are only a few of the things we have been dealing with. While it is easy to get frustrated with Max, these behaviours are the only way he has to tell us he is upset.

As the person who will be doing most of the care giving for him over the next month, it is going to be a challenge, but he's my kid. The thought of him being lost and overwhelmed in a room where people really aren't trained in autism or equipped to help him breaks my heart. Part of me wishes that he were at a point that he could handle being in an unstructured daycare environment. But he isn't, and that's okay. He's only five. He's a beautiful, smart boy and it is our job as his parents to make sure we are doing the right thing for him. We want to provide him with a calm, consistent environment so that when he starts senior kindergarten he goes into it from a place of happiness. Perhaps it will be a good way for Max and me to reconnect as we get some Mommy-Max time.

must have tech items: university-bound.

2011-08-04T13:59:00.000-04:00

Is your student university bound? Here’s a list of great tech tools that will make both of your lives easier!

My recommendation for university students is to get a laptop. A laptop allows flexibility and you can take your work anywhere you need, be it the lecture hall, library or study group. The top two in my book are...

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the shame of being frustrated with your child for having autism.

2011-08-03T10:29:00.001-04:00

Something I don't like talking about is how incredibly frustrated I sometimes get with Max. I know that all five year olds are hard to handle. But the difference with a neurotypical child and a child with autism is that you can reason with a neurotypical kid. You can sit down with him and explain consequences and choices and how things work. Heck, we do this with Cameron and she is only three. Having those conversations with Max is pointless, because he just doesn't think that way. The only thing that works with him is positive reinforcement, and it's hard to give positive reinforcement when he is only exhibiting behaviour you don't want to see.

A specific example is that he has recently started doing his business (#1 and #2) on the floor next to his bed. This is not actually new, as he has been doing this first thing every morning upon waking up for months now. To combat this I have been doing my best to set my alarm for 6am so that I can get into bed with him and be there when he wakes up (he won't do it if I'm in the room). My hope is that if I can just break this daily ritual we can get him to eliminate on the toilet. But, over the last few weeks he has started exhibiting this unpleasant behaviour at bedtime as well. His record is 5 times in one night before he finally fell asleep. Scott and I alternate clean ups so that we don't totally lose our minds.

This morning Scott mentioned that perhaps we should invest in a video monitor so that we can catch him in action. While I agree that this is likely the only way we can get him to stop, I also worry that for Max, this will only add a new dynamic to this game that he finds incredibly entertaining. It's hard not to want to yell at him when he is sitting on his bed giggling while you clean up after him and change his sheets for the umpteenth time that day. I don't write about this to garner sympathy. I write about this to give you specific examples on the types of things parents of children with autism deal with on a daily basis. If it wasn't this, it would be something else. In fact, I have no doubt that once we eventually conquer this challenging behaviour, Max will cook up something new for us.

On the days I am most frustrated, I make sure I take pictures of Max. It helps to see him through a different lens (literally, figuratively, whatever). I know we all get frustrated with our kids. But it sucks when you are frustrated with your kid for something he has no control over.

bachelorette recap: the final rose plus the guys tell all!

2011-08-02T13:36:00.000-04:00

Let’s just be clear, guys really have no idea how to gossip. Sunday night’s tell-all episode was about as vanilla as they come. William was reminded that roasting Ashley was a stupid decision (ya think?). Ryan was forced to watch himself and see just how irritating he is (water heater conversation and all).

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be the water.

2011-07-30T20:57:00.001-04:00

My friend Shelagh's note simply read "be the water and not the rock in the stream of life. Let things unfold as the universe intends them for you". I thought on this for a moment and stretched this thought into "Be the water, not the rock. water has the flexibility to change direction; a rock stays in one place and gets worn out".

be the water

So simple, and so perfect. And as if this thought was not gift enough today, it also happened that Shelagh was able to come and spend time with me this afternoon. We had many heart moments and connected in a way that made me feel both loved and at peace at the same time. Go with the flow, don't get stuck, be responsible for your energy, you can change the trajectory of someone's day with your smile.

be the water

So often I need to be "the rock" that people count on, the stable force. But perhaps the water is just as powerful. When we picture rocks we think of being solid, steady, and strong. Water is all of those things but also flexible, peaceful, and constant. Something to think on for sure.

be the water

Let go of relationships that have moved on from this earth, release those who no longer have need of you. Trust that the pockets of air created by their absences will fill in slowly, at first as a trickle and then as a steady stream as the water pours in to fill the voids.

Be the water.

ill communication: trying to put what i feel into word and rhymes.

2011-07-29T15:02:00.000-04:00

Over the past few weeks, Max has been exhibiting some aggressive behaviour at daycare. Because I'm not there when it happens, I have no idea what is leading up to the behaviour, how it is being reinforced (as in, how are the kids and adults reacting and are they doing something to make him think that continuing this behaviour is going to get him what he wants). Insult to injury, he is laughing after he hits or pushes his classmates, which makes them think that he is enjoying hurting them. I dread picking him up at lunch time because I know that his teacher is going to give me the "he had a hard morning and did xyz thing" speech and make me feel like they hate Max and wish he wasn't there. Yesterday I was informed he pushed three children and incident reports had to be filled out and today he pushed a child down the stairs.

The challenge of course, is that he is trying to communicate something with this behaviour, and he is doing so unsuccessfully. Now it has turned into a game to him. The laughing? Well, that is yet another example of how someone with autism does not always exhibit an appropriate emotional response. I doubt that he is in fact happy. Or if he is, then that is because he hasn't yet learned how to care about being liked by his peers. It's very upsetting on many fronts. Last year Scott wrote a guest post about a time where Max laughed hysterically in response to Scott having an emotional breakdown. We understand on a very personal level that it is hard to know what to think when Max's response is so far out in left field.

Since Max's behaviour at daycare is clearly escalating, we have decided to send one of Max's IBI therapists into the daycare to see what's happening and to give the staff some help and support in figuring out how to react when Max behaves aggressively. The entire point of him being at daycare is for him to have more opportunities to socialize and clearly this isn't going to happen in the current state. Scott told me this morning that his "heart breaks at the thought of the other kids being scared of Max" and truthfully, mine does too. Max is a sweet kid. These behaviours only come out when he is frustrated because he is having problems communicating.

Max's CDA (Communications Disorders Assistant), Tara Dawson, wrote a beautiful poem for Kim Pace which she read at Kim's funeral yesterday. I think it describes perfectly the patience and understanding required when working with and raising a child with autism.

To Kim, with love from all of the “little lives” you’ve helped along the way.

I flap my hands,
Make funny sounds,
And don’t look in other’s eyes.
I don’t understand emotions,
Or the benefit to try.

“A real handful”,
Others think.
I’m never the teacher’s pet.
Not toilet trained,
With others my age.
My pants were often wet.

Yet you came into my life,
And changed what others see.
Called me, “good boy”,
And “smart boy”,
‘Cause you believed in me.

You taught me “help” and “toilet”,
Rather than “thank-you” and “please”.
You understood when my engine was high,
And all I needed was a squeeze.

You were sensitive with my parents.
It’s hard- this wasn’t their choice.
And you let me though all obstacles.
And helped me find…
My voice.

let go.

2011-07-26T22:06:00.000-04:00

The past few days have been really hard. I'm sad that my friend Kim is gone. I'm sad that my friend Liz is gone. My get up and go has got up and went and I feel stuck, unable to move forward or backwards, unable to cry (which makes me feel guilty, like I'm a shitty griever to boot). Losing people suddenly and losing people when you knew it was coming are equally devastating. And I hate that losing them makes me anxious about losing anyone else. So here I am, raising an eyebrow as I look skywards and say "Okay, enough already with the stealing away the awesome ladies before their times, back off for a bit, will ya?" I need to let go. I'm not ready to let go.

bachelorette recap: a trip to fiji narrows it down to 2!

2011-07-26T11:01:00.001-04:00

Ashley and the final three guys, Ben, Constantine and JP, head to Fiji!

I find it interesting that the final three guys are comprised of the two shaggiest and the baldest. Also, O-M-G! Ryan has returned to Fiji, no doubt to explain the benefits of high efficiency air conditioning. I predict this will not go well. Ashley is all, “Whoa! What are you doing here?” He asks for another shot and tells her he’ll be on the island for a few days, no pressure. I’m confident he's just auditioning for the next season of The Bachelor.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

celebrating kim pace.

2011-07-25T15:35:00.004-04:00

My friend and mentor, Kim Kearns Pace, passed away on Saturday after a 3.5 year battle with cervical cancer. But I don't want to focus on her death, I want to focus on her life, which she kicked Absolute 100% Grade-A Canadian Ass at. I want to focus on her heart, which was bigger than the sun. I want to focus on the thousands of children and families she helped throughout her career as Canada's top Speech Language Pathologist. I want to focus on the positive energy she exuded and how she fought for what she believed in and inspired everyone who knew her.

I met Kim in the summer of 2008. We were still in the pre-autism diagnosis days and desperately searching for ways to help Max. She was the first person who reached out to me. She was the first person who listened when I talked about what was going on with Max. She came to the table with information and real solutions about what we could do for him. She was kind, empathetic, and frank about the challenges that lay ahead for us. Her honesty and candour were refreshing and I immediately felt less alone in this journey that we were only just beginning. Kim saw the magic in every child and unearthed gifts that you would never have known were there if not for her.

I credit Kim with getting us started on the right path for helping Max from a therapy perspective. Most of all I am grateful to her for teaching me about faith, and how important it is that I envision a positive future for Max. She believed in him and saw the twinkle in his eyes. She told me she expected tickets to his university graduation ceremony because she wanted to be there when he walked across the stage to receive his diploma. Whenever Max gave us a run for our money she told me that I would tell these stories at his wedding. On one particularly hard day she emailed me the following:

Look past it all - into the future .. several years maybe but there it is....do you see it? That beautiful, smiling, happy boy! That's MAX. That's MAX's voice! That's MAX talking! That's MAX playing with toys! That is MAX calling you "mama".

Visualize it - each and every day and that is what WILL be. Believe it with every ounce of strength you have and there will be no other alternative. I am living proof of this.

I could write for days about how wonderful Kim was and how sorely she will be missed, that there was still so much for her to do. Kim was a person so tenacious that when she was told she had less than a year to live due to cervical cancer, she decided to train for the 2010 Ironman Canada - a race that was more than two years away. And guess what? She did it (while continuing to work full time). While she was at it, she and her friends started The IronDames and raised over $110,000 for Wellspring, a cancer program that promotes physical activity.

Kim, I am devastated that I will no longer get to exchange hugs and smiles with you over Max's progress. I am blessed to have known you in this life, and I know we will meet again. Instead of thinking of you as gone, I am going to imagine you in heaven serving up your Romulan Ale and watching over all of the children and families whose lives you changed for the better.

Rest in peace Kim. You were one in million and you will not be forgotten.

Edited to add:

Visitation will be held on Wednesday July 27th from 5-9pm at:
Dodsworth & Brown Funeral Home
2241 New Street, Burlington ON

The funeral service will be held on Thursday July 28th at 10:30am at:
St. Christopher's Anglican Church
662 Guelph Line, Burlington ON

In lieu of flowers, contributions to the Halton Down Syndrome Association and/or blue balloon Health Services.

amy winehouse: everyone is someone's baby.

2011-07-23T22:33:00.000-04:00

A great talent passed away today. Unfortunately, Amy Winehouse will be remembered more for her battle with addiction than for her music. Perhaps the saddest part about it all is that nobody was surprised when they heard she had been found dead in her apartment. The general sentiment was that it was only a matter of time.

Mental health issues are hard enough on their own. From what I understand, Amy suffered from bipolar disorder. Add to that her terrible issues with addiction and she was truly a ticking time bomb. The thing I hope people will remember as they comment on a "life wasted" or that she was at the top of everyone's death pool, is that she was just a human being. Imperfect and fallible, with the gift of a voice full of soul that we all hoped to hear more from. Most of all, she was somebody's baby. She was somebody's child. She was loved, for far more than being a talented singer. She was loved for first smiles, first steps, sticky kisses and the way she looked like an angel when she slept. While we who did not know her feel free to judge her and comment on what could have been, her family is no doubt devastated at the loss of her, and the painful lead up to her death.

Rest in peace Amy Winehouse. Rest in peace.

moments of sticky gratitude.

2011-07-22T15:44:00.000-04:00

There are many things to complain about right now. Money, health, stress, the heat (oh my dog, the heat), and that's only scratching the service. But for some reason, as I sit here (sweating and trying not to get annoyed by the fly zooming around my head), I feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

We are so blessed, my little family of four. We have a huge support system of people who love of us, who will do whatever it takes to help us succeed. Through thick and thin, our family and friends are here for us from coast to coast, rallying with us day in and day out. Our house may not be big, or fancy (and it is most certainly a mess), but it is our home, the place we find solace at the end of the day. More than that, we have "enough". There may be things we would like to have but can't afford, but the things we truly need, we have.

So, thank you to the universe, for hearing me when I said "I want to make a change, I want to do something different" and helping me make it happen so quickly! And thank you universe for watching over us and making every day an adventure. I am truly grateful. Now, excuse me while I go take a shower to cool off...

travel tuesday: 10 tips for taking an autistic child's passport photo.

2011-07-19T18:06:00.003-04:00

1. Select a photo studio that is relatively calm (not in the middle of a big box store).

2. If possible, call ahead and make an appointment. Make sure you explain the situation so they understand that it make take some extra time and patience to get the photo taken.

3. Give yourself a lot of time to get it done. Rushing to submit passport photos that are needed to take a trip on short notice puts unnecessary stress on you and your child.

...Read more on TravelingMom.com

bachelorette recap: ashley narrows it down to three!

2011-07-19T13:33:00.001-04:00

Ashley and the four remaining guys head home where Ashley gets to meet each of their families. Finally, the shoe’s on the other foot as the guys put Ashley in the hot seat!

...Read more on iVillage.ca!

study: siblings of autistic kids share similar brain activity.

2011-07-19T12:09:00.000-04:00

A study by scientists at the University of Cambridge published in the journal of Translational Psychiatry finds that siblings of autistic children (including those unaffected by the disorder) show signs of brain differences that are not found in children in non-autistic families.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

the ebb and flow of accepting autism.

2011-07-17T14:09:00.001-04:00

There are days when I feel okay about having a child with autism. I feel at peace, like things will be okay. In these moments, I truly feel that we will figure this out and navigate whatever comes at us. On those days, I think to myself "Finally. You've finally comes to terms with this and have accepted that your son autism and you are the parent of a child with autism." For a moment I even think these feelings will last, will be permanent this time. Of course, they are not.

If only it were that easy to resolve one's problems, come to a conclusion, and move on to the next challenge. A friend of mine once said that "the secret to life is keeping busy". I liked that idea a lot. As long as you stay in motion, whatever is troubling you doesn't have a chance to settle in and get you down. Just keep moving. It works sometimes, when things are too hard to process, when you aren't ready to do the work. Of course, the work that needs to be done waits for you, gets bigger and more impressive. In the past I have described myself as a hummingbird, fluttering around, and I believe the reason I do this is that I have many things in my life that I am not at peace with, and perhaps never will be. Instead of stopping, doing the work, I flutter my wings and keep moving.

But what if, instead of perpetually staying in motion, you remain still, and sink into the very things you seek to avoid? Truly embrace that which makes you sad, anxious, and fearful. I spend so much time putting on a brave face for others that I buy my own propaganda. In reality, I am still not okay with the fact that my son has autism. I am devastated, and pissed off at the universe, and worn out from this internal battle. And as I sit with these feelings and acknowledge them, I find for the first time in a long while, I am relieved. Because I am listening to my own heart. I am getting closer to the truth.

the google+ project: should you enter its social network?

2011-07-15T09:58:00.000-04:00

Search engine giant Google has a new offering for the social media arena: Google+. If you are shaking your head thinking, "I don't have time for Facebook, LinkedIn and Twitter as it is, the last thing I need is another place for people to contact me", think again. Google+ is definitely worth your time.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

bachelorette recap: taiwan tanks for ryan and lukas.

2011-07-13T19:59:00.001-04:00

The six remaining guys and Ashley travel to Taiwan, where two more men will be sent home. The four surviving fellas will get to take Ashley to visit their home towns and meet their families. Ashley says she’s, “looking for an emotional and physical connection,” and wants to make sure this is in place before she meets anyone’s family. I wonder how long it will be before she starts pining for Bentley again?

...Read more on iVillage.ca

dreams are today's answers to tomorrow's questions.

2011-07-11T12:01:00.000-04:00

At five years of age, Max has never asked me a question. Not one. Imagine that for a minute. If you have ever spent time with a young child, you have inevitably experienced the endless barrage of "Why? What's that? Are we there yet?" and "Where are you going?". I didn't know that was what regular kids do until we had Cameron (who more than makes up for Max's lack of questions).

I'm not sure why it is that Max doesn't ask questions. My guess is that his main focus is to communicate what he needs and wants, which he is able to do for the most part. Because this is still a work in progress, questions aren't really all that important. A sign of his development is that he is starting to look at me inquisitively when he knows something is different. His expression says "What's going on mommy?" or "Where is the girl that greets me every day?". In my eyes, this is huge progress. It shows a shift in how he thinks.
There is a little girl named Sophie in Max's daycare who was also in his junior kindergarten class. He immediately recognized her on his first day. I saw a look of relief on his face that said "Oh, thank goodness, someone I know". Every morning, Sophie, jumps up when Max comes in and greets him. She goes over to the reading centre and reads with him and gives him high fives. It is very sweet. I think this may be his first friend. This past Friday, when I dropped Max off, she wasn't there. He looked at me as if to say "What's going on? Where is Sophie?". It was awesome and heartbreaking at the same time. It is wonderful that he has formed an attachment with a peer, but it made me sad to see him bummed out that she wasn't there. I put words to his emotions so that he can start to apply language to how he is feeling by saying "Where's Sophie? I'm sad she's not here". I gave him a hug and said goodbye, feeling really proud of Max and how he is handling this transition into daycare. Also, my son's a player and he's only five.

Why You Should Join Google+

2011-07-10T14:32:00.004-04:00

Just what we all need, yet another social network to try to wrangle on top of Facebook, twitter, LinkedIn, and whatever other countless ways our friends/contacts/loved ones/that hot guy from college have to stay in touch with, keep tabs on, and generally tether us to our computers/tablets/smartphones. But as much as it pains me to say it, Google+ is definitely worth your time.

The Best of Both Worlds
The beauty of Twitter is that just because someone follows you, you don't have to follow them (unlike Facebook which asks if you will be attending your Aunt Hilda's "Christmas Pajama Pants Making Party" even if you weren't specifically invited). With Google+ you can have your Aunt Hilda as a contact, but you don't have to connect with her, and she won't be hurt if you aren't following her like on twitter.

Cleaner Interface
It doesn't have the clutter of ads and recommendations of Facebook, or promoted hash tags and "who to follow" of twitter. Best of all, there are no farm games or mafia apps to hide.

Better Privacy Controls
While Facebook forces you to dig five layers deep to ensure that your information is private, the privacy settings on Google+ are transparent. You have to opt-in to share information, versus the Buzz disaster which auto-opted you in and killed the project before it even got off the ground. Twitter offers no privacy controls, unless you protect your tweets, which in my opinion, defeats the entire purpose of tweeting.

Easier Management of Your Network
Google+ uses circles to organize your network from the start. Each circle has its own stream so that you can decide which of your circles's conversations you want to follow. Better yet, you can share something with your entire network or with a small circle of people who are interested in a specific topic simply by selecting a single circle or multiple circles.

No Character Limit & Less Noise
Sometimes 140 characters isn't enough to get your point across and it is hard to keep up with the stream of conversation. Google+ does a great job of organizing comments so that you can keep up with multiple discussions and refer back to them later. Also, if you are late to the party, you don't have to feel weird for tweeting/commenting about something that is "so two hours ago".

What's To Come
Since Google+ is still in its beta stage and hasn't been released publicly yet, you can only sign up if you receive an invite from someone already on the network. In addition, the true power of Google+ won't be seen until all Google apps are integrated (I am showing my true geeky side by admitting that I am way too excited about this). Lastly, while there are Google+ apps for Android, there isn't one for iPhone yet. Let's hope that is rectified soon! If you want more detailed information, the Google blog does a nice job of explaining the specific ins and outs of the project.

You can find me on Google+ at http://gplus.to/katrinacarefoot

the girl with the curl.

2011-07-09T20:44:00.000-04:00

There are not enough words to describe how much joy this little girl brings.

friday funnies: once upon a time.

2011-07-08T15:20:00.000-04:00