Battle of the Balls

I'm not going to lie, I was pretty excited about the finale of Rockstar INXS, as were my friends Dave and Jen. I invited them over to watch the show at our place so we could make an event out of it. Scott was a good sport about the whole thing, though the most he has watched is a verse or chorus here and there, mostly with snide comments. Jen and Dave got all decked out (leather, hair gel, martinis). They weren't kidding around. I wore my pyjamas (yes I am a party girl).

The first surprise was that Brooke was actually wearing clothes. We weren't so sure about her Pepe le peu hair and mismatched boot jewellery, but hey, what do we know? They had all 15 singers back for the show, which was kind of strange (hey loser - look what you don't have). Jen and I were laughing about how we had forgotten that Will and Neal were ever even on the show. Ouch. Dave N. stepped it up and left his shirt at home (back to basics, I like it). Jen aptly pointed out that the final 3 rockers were wearing very heavy makeup this week (maybe it will help them rock harder?).

Early bets at my house were that INXS has known for weeks who they were going to pick, and that pick would be J.D. He had a bit of a smirk on his face the entire show, making me think he already knew the gig was his. Apparently winning the dickwad pool = lead singer status. Says a lot, don't it?

Round 1 - Singer's Picks

Mig - Bohemian Rhapsody
Seems like Mig decided to revert back to his comfort zone (perhaps he is reminding his previous employers just how good he is so they will have him back now that he needs a job). Scott pointed out that the style of the song does not lend itself to INXS at all, and that he has a real Steve Tyler quality to his sound. I think he showed Suzie how this song is supposed to be done, and both of them should thank their lucky stars that the house band is so damn excellent.

J.D. - You Can't Always Get What You Want
I thought this rendition was cheese city. Like if Michael Bolton was going to cover the Stones, this would be how he would do it. Spastic dancing and double time endings do not equal rock 'n roll, but J.D. doesn't seem to understand that. Ah well, he was still smirking, so he clearly doesn't care what we think. Just wait until we are the ones buying (or not buying) your album dude. Just wait.

Marty - Wish You Were Here
See, Marty was my favourite on this show. He wasn't a pompous dickhead, he's just a low key guy, sans ego, who can rock his ass off. He sang this really well - came off vocally strong, sincere and on the money. Stephanie and I have discussed that we think he will be better suited for another band. Perhaps Stone Temple Pilots should give him a call now that their singer is heading up Velvet Revolver. At least Marty can travel across the border.

Round 1 Loser - Mig (just not right for their band).
This was not a shock, nope, not at all. I think Mig is going to be just fine though - he really should stick more with the stage/musical stuff in my opinion. With a voice like that, he could easily star on Broadway or do whatever he wants. Doesn't hurt that he is easy on the eyes either...

Round 2 - Sing with INXS
Lasers! Woot! Arena Rock, here we come! I gotta say, I think the house band plays INXS better than INXS does. Marty sang "Don't Change", and he seemed a bit tense, like he was going through the motions. While the performance was alright, it didn't do much for me. J.D. got a much better song in "What You Need". Between the whole vibe and the body language of the band it was pretty damn clear who they were picking. Dave and I agreed that we want to kick the dude with the little moustache (Kirk Pengilly) across the stage. Not much of a sax player either. Funny, J.D. messed up the ending, but it didn't matter - the band was too busy lovin' his ass.

Winner: J.D.
We all knew he was going to win, and I know he really is the best fit, but for some reason, I'm not that satisfied with the result. I think I would have liked it better if they didn't go with the safe regurgitation of their previous singer and tried something new. But apparently these guys are risk averse and I don't blame 'em. J.D. performed their new song "Easy Easy" with them...I didn't love it. I actually think J.D.'s song "Pretty Vegas" is better. I guess we'll have the chance to hear both on their new cd. Best part - there might be a new Rockstar show next year. Jen suggested "Rockstar Blind Melon". I think that has a nice ring to it, don't you?

Better late than never - the final four.

I've had a crazy week, a lazy weekend, and well, enough with the excuses. On the tip that something is better than nothing, I thought I'd post my notes from last week's show. Didn't Brooke kind of look like a porno pochahontas in this getup? Dave N. said she looked like an "adult" super hero...yeah, I'll say. Last week INXS picked specific songs for each singer. It is getting hard to be super critical because the final four are all pretty good at what they do, but I'll give it a shot.

Suzie: #1. Interstate Love Song, #2. What's Up
Suzie seemed a lot more confident overall, which I liked. She messed up the entrance to the second verse on her first song. It was also in a bad key so she kept coming in under the pitch. Such is the saga of singing songs meant for men when you are a woman. The second song was much better, though she had some weird crackly/airy things happening with her voice. I think she was trying to do that cool vocal effect that Linda Perry does and it just didn't happen. Not Suzie's best performances, but pretty good.

J.D.: #1. Pretty Vegas, #2. Money
It's interesting that they wanted to hear his song again. Makes me think they have fallen under his spell. It was a bit strange when J.D. kissed Dave N's cheek during his first song. Dave N. seemed non-plussed by it. The band gave him a standing ovation, which I thought was overkill. He seemed to nail the second song rhythmically, which is where the key challenge was. I didn't really feel any kind of flow to the song, it just kind of bumped along. J.D. and his fucking props were at it again (megaphones, money). He is so rock 'n roll it hurts [/sarcasm].

Marty: #1. Trees, #2. Creep
I love Marty's song (so so much more than J.D.'s song). It was interesting to hear it acoustic, though I really prefer the electric version. INXS was singing along to the song (definitely a good sign). Creep sounded awesome (of course it did). He sang it perfectly with a terrific contrast between the chorus and verses. INXS seemed to dig it, but not quite as much as they did J.D.'s. Boo on them!


Mig: #1. Kiss From a Rose, #2. Paint It Black
The more I listen to Mig, the more I start to wonder if his voice is just too pretty and perfect? I mean, he is an excellent singer, but there is a gritty factor that is missing for me. He absolutely rocks, but I sometimes hear a bit of stage flair in there. He sang his first song better than Seal sings it live (and I've heard him sing it live, so I know). Seal wins in the leather pants department though [booty booty woot woot!]. The second song was fine, I was neither here nor there on it.

We all know that Suzie went home, so I'm not going to rehash the bottom 3. My friend Jen and her husband Dave are coming over on Tuesday to watch the grand finale and we are both psyched. I'm not sure who INXS will pick, though I do think it will be between J.D. and Marty. It all depends on where they want to take their band. If they want to stay in their comfort zone, then J.D. (Michael Hutchence Jr.) is there man. If they want to move forward musically and do more modern/interesting stuff, then Marty is it. I just don't see Mig fronting INXS, but maybe they want to make it all Aussie all the time? I think they know who they are going to pick already, but we won't be let in on their decision until Tuesday.

Rock you like a hurricane.

I have waited 30 long years for a hurricane to be named after me. I always figured my name was too plain, but nope, Hurricane Katrina it is. Gotta tell you that it feels pretty righteous to read headlines like "Oil companies evacuate Gulf platforms as Katrina looms" and "Florida sweeps up from Katrina, but braces for a possible encore". It's right up there with headlines like "The dikes will save us" that Jennifer and I never cease to giggle at. Scott lamented to me yesterday that he doubted that there would ever be a Hurricane Scott. I told him that it could happen! Don't give up on it, we're only at K. The only problem is, I think they alternate male and female names, so "S" will technically be a female name this time around. Sigh. Anyway, as much as I am digging that my name is being used to name a massive upheaval in nature, I hope all this shit calms down for our 1 year Anniversary trip to the Bahamas next week. Tomorrow is actually our 1 year anniversary (yeah! we made it a whole year!). More on that later, gotta get ready to go see Tori Amos tonight with Alana, Adam, and Leeanne.

Lady In Red and Boys In Eyeliner.

I considered calling this blog “Brooke Burke and her lovely ta-tas", but that would just be crass. But seriously her boobs look freshly faked, I’m wondering if her soon to be ex gave her one last boob job for the road (he is a plastic surgeon after all). Dave Navarro did not disappoint either, he is slowly working back to his normal shirtless self, this time opting for unbuttoned to the navel. Nice!

So last night, they did an “Originals vs. Songwriter” theme. Suzie pulled a J.D. after suggesting that they all draw names from a hat and she was all “but I wanna sing my original it’sooooooooooo good” but thankfully Deanna and Mig stood their ground and showed her the hand. What I will say about the whole original song thing is that I think these singers need to remember that it may be a double edged sword. The audience votes for who they like, and part of liking someone is liking the song they sing. It’s hard to like a song (or even remember it for that matter) after only hearing it one time through. The recipe for success is does the audience like the song (meaning do they know it?) and do they like your interpretation. I doubt very many voters are actually considering “who would be the right choice for INXS” at this point. They are just voting for who they dig.

Suzie – Cameltoe City (Start Me Up)
She almost missed her entrance with her dumb shout out to her peeps. While I definitely think she is a strong singer, she has never connected with me. I think that live she is probably fine, but she doesn’t carry across the airwaves. Dave N. (who was surprised she has been in the bottom 3 so many times) should watch the show from home with Carmen and see if he still thinks she is so great. Me thinks no.

J.D. – Cold As Ice
Still a cocky SOB, but how can you not love that eyeliner? Hawt! Also, does he have a sock in his pants? Yowzers. I think he sang the song well and had a lot of confidence which made it compelling. The vocal harmony section with the band sucked though (totally out of tune, mostly J.D.’s fault). INXS loved it though, and they seem to like the risks he takes (one of them being that the rest of the singers will gang up on him and drown him in the pool).

Deanna – My Truth
I'm wondering (and maybe Adam can tell me) how they can write new material and get it copywrited so fast? Is it the whole, once you say “I wrote this” and then perform it on TV thing, that means it belongs to you? Or can you just seal the music in an envelope and mail it to yourself? The song completely catered to her voice and it was nice to hear her sing in a comfortable key. Hence, not a lot of range in the melody, but fuck, she sang it with balls (especially since she didn’t have much time to write it and then learn it). Good for her.

Ty – Proud Mary
Wow, buddy totally took credit for writing Deanna’s song – 1 dickwad point for Ty. That was unnecessary (has he been hanging out with J.D. or something?). I didn’t love this version of Proud Mary. It was too fast, the background vocals stunk (specifically: out of tune, not groovin’, and falling apart), and it just left me cold. The band liked it, but I think they were just checking out Brooke Burke dancing to it.

Mig – Do Or Die
The beginning was kind of minwaxy (meaning, awkward), but it did get better at the chorus. Seemed a bit “rock opera” to me, but I may be full of it. I loved the zebra fabric cod piece he wore over his pants – that was something! I think that the band should be given props for playing the hell out of a song they didn’t really like and I think that Mig sold it through. Dave N. liked it, and the band “appreciated” it, whatever that means. I still like Mig though and I am betting that all of Australia is voting for him.

Marty – I Alone
More eyeliner! Hawtness! Boy does the camera like Marty. He was very intense throughout his performance. I don’t know this song, so it’s hard to say how well he sang it, but he sure did rock his ass off. I thought that his head was going to turn around 360 degrees at the end, he damn near looked possessed. Dave N. lurves him, but the band wants him to stop screaming all the time and sing more. Funny, Deanna shouts most of her songs, but they never say that to her.

Jordis – Shits The Bed (Dream On)
I loved it until she opened her mouth. Great hat. Weird key – I think she opted for a lower key so she could try to hit that note at the end, which she didn’t. The problem with singing a song too low in your range is that it comes off as low energy. She not only had pitch issues, but she didn’t rock at all and missed the ending completely. I am with Dave N. on this, she should have changed the melody to make it work. This is a prime example of a song that only a man should sing. We all have off nights, but this was especially disappointing.

Bottom 3 at the end of the show: Deanna, Ty, Jordis,
Kat’s bottom 3: Suzie, Jordis, Ty

Mig, I love YOUR ways.

Jennifer was kind enough to give the Monday night recap (apparently I am the ONLY person who can't find this "floating" show). The show amounted to the remaining singers getting into two groups of four to see if they can play nice. Surprise, surprise, J.D. acted like the sulky punk-ass-bitch that he is. His group lost because of his bad attitude yet he somehow managed to come out of the incident lookin' like a bad-ass-rocker. Whatever. I'd just love to see him pull that prima donna shit with a bunch of craggy ol' Australian rockers. They would set him straight in a hot second. My lustful Brandon hate has now been refocused on J.D. (Canadian or not, he is a punk).
Okay, so now for the recap. I love that we can all chat with Brooke online. I can bet what kind of chatting is going to be happening and usually folks have to pay for that! Not sure about the continuous parade of pinstripes on this show (the stylists must get a discount on bad taste).

Last night there was a bit of twist with the song selection. INXS selected a song for each singer (I think they did this because despite their requests to hear particular styles from each singer, those requests have largely been ignored).

Jordis - Knockin' on Heaven's Door
She started out of tune with a bit of vocal wankery (when will singers learn?) but the song immediately got better once she got into the first verse. She really has a magic about her, and shone in this intimate setting (yet somehow still manages to be quite powerful). INXS is smitten with her, and while Dave Navarro doesn't want to sleep with her, I bet he wants to make her his honourary sister. Great performance, though I could do without the out of tune vocal riffing.

Jessica - Torn
Apparently INXS wanted to see a softer side of Jessica, and I guess they saw it last night. I still think she belted a lot and I would have truly unplugged this song, maybe even switched up the arrangement a bit so that it started out a little more bare bones. For some reason with the busyness of the arrangement it didn't really sound all that unplugged to me. Dave N. liked it and said "less is more", and the band seemed to like it. Jessica will still be in the bottom three though, and I think she'll go home this week.

Ty - Maggie (Mary) May
Nice rat tail dude. Gross. Also, what is with the pajama bottoms? I didn't love this rendition of the song (also - I think he was singing "Mary" instead of Maggie...at least a few times). It should be noted that I can't stand Rod Stewart, so that likely didn't help. Dave N. and INXS loved it (even went so far to call it a Motown feel which I didn't hear). Ty then capped his performance off with some wacky tongue talents...weird.

Suzie - Bring it on Home to Me
I know that I am always harping about this, but the tempo was really too fast. I think Suzie did a good job keeping it reigned in. I kept wondering how she would sound if she was an old black man, because I think this song would have rung more true to me. Terrible, I know! I seem a bit prejudice against poor Suzie - it may be because she sounded a bit country, which really, is unforgivable. Dave N. heard it differently and loved it, INXS thinks she is one of the best singers in the competition (technically yes, but otherwise no!). I think Suzie will join Jessica in the bottom three this week.

Marty - Hit Me Baby One More Time
I LOVE MARTY. What a horrible song, but he did a good job. The most distracting thing was the background singers sounded terrible. I really dug how he got all intense at the end, basically shrieking over the band. Go Marty! Too funny how J.D. was sitting there looking so jealous that he didn't get to sing this song. Dave N. also dug it, and the band seemed to appreciate that Marty was a good sport about singing such an awful song.

Deanna - I Can't Make You Love Me
This really was a perfect song for Deanna and I think it did show off her voice. And her boobies - check those sister out (they're all like - "Lift us up, we're suffocating down here"). She totally pulled it off, she was feeling it too, which came across. She is just as good a singer as Bonnie Raitt and better than Sheryl Crow. INXS liked her performance a lot, but I think Deanna was too hard on herself (I suspect she just HATES singing songs that expose her voice like that).

J.D. - As Tears Go By
The band wanted J.D. to be "real" with this song. Seeing as he is a Grade "A" Asshole, I'm not sure that's a good thing. It didn't matter either way because while he sang the song well, his supposed emoting came off as mere posturing. He was trying to come off as a sweetheart rocker, but it fell totally flat, nothing, nada, zip. I didn't buy it at all and neither did INXS (except for Tim, but whatever). HAHAHAHA J.D.! Looks good on you.

Mig - Baby, I Love Your Way
Mig plays piano - HOTT DAMN! Do you know how hard that is to do? To play and sing, and do both exceptionally well? Trust me, it's hard! He sounded fabulous. J.D. really should listen up because this was true emoting. But see, Mig really has love in his life, whereas J.D., he only loves himself. I think Mig is the favourite to win (he's Australian too - I can only imagine the votes he is pulling from down under). Dave N. got all sappy and INXS lurved him. Mig got my vote. Several of 'em.


Bottom three this week will be: Suzie, Jessica, J.D.
Favourites for final three: Jordis, Marty, and Mig

Brandon *is* an ass-hat.

In contrast to last night, Brooke actually wore a lot of clothes (for her anyway). Weird leggings... channeling her inner skid chick I guess.

Bottom 3, as promised was Suzie, Brandon and Jessica. Props from the band to Marty and Ty (no surprise there). Brandon is such an ass-hat, if they don’t kick him off I may have to boycott the show. Lol – Suzie looked SO PISSED OFF to be in the bottom 3 AGAIN! I think she just doesn’t connect with the audience, regardless of how good she may be live.

Save your skin songs:

Jessica – Disappear
I am kind of hoping Jessica “disappears” in the next week or so. Damn she was pitchy and she is just too cutesy for my liking. We all know she isn’t right for INXS, why prolong the misery?

Brandon – Don’t Lose Your Head
I don’t get why they gave him another bluesy song – maybe they knew it would be his final song so they wanted him to end strong. Pitchy like all hell AND he forgot the words. Not cool dude.

Suzie – Bitter Tears (aka “Suzie’s Bottom 3 Tears of Bitterness”)
Bad key – it makes her seem like she is singing with low energy. Things seemed to pick up once the song got rolling. Boy was the rhinestone fly on her crotch distracting.

Anyway, I’m happy Brandon is gone and we won’t have to listen to him yowl at the moon next week. If I was the band I would have turfed Jessica as well, but now they have an almost even split of guys to girls.

Current favs to win: Marty, Mig, J.D. (in that order)

Sausagefest 2005 – The search continues.

Apologies for the lack of blog on Monday’s show. I couldn’t find it because those wankers at CBS ditched it off to VH1 and I assumed that meant it wouldn't be on in Canada. Stephanie, with her magical powers watched it so I’ll have to assume that it was available somewhere, or her dreams are just really fucking vivid.

So, onto Tuesday’s night. Where are Brooke’s pants? Did she lose them in the divorce? Scott likes her juicy legs. Dave Navarro wants her to take her top off. Good times.

Suzie – Losing My Religion
I’m glad she skipped the acapella intro she was considering because that would have blown big chunks. I think she was trying to hard to rock with a song that doesn’t really want to rock all that hard. Weird pants…did she buy them at Tallcrest (Mincemeat Vixen’s favourite store)? The band really liked it, me not so much. I did like the Joan Osborne look though with the hair and long earrings. Would have been better if she hooked her nose ring up though.

Mig – All Right Now
He totally captured the right mood of the song and sang rhythmically which I appreciate. He just grooved his hot little ass off. I didn’t love the pinstripe pants (are the singers passing those around?) but how can you not ogle that body? I agree with the band that he should sing a ballad. Go Mig!

J.D. – Crazy
Damn J.D.’s a cock SOB. Jennifer would have approved of that eyeliner though. Kind of a weird song for him to cover – he had no flow to the melody and sang it all punchy style (too rhythmic….). I’ve seen Seal live and J.D. didn’t do this song justice, I mean, he missed the entire point of the song. I don’t agree with Dave that he did a great job, but I do agree with the band that he was pitchy.

Jessica – Come As You Are
I have no idea why she picked this song, it’s like she wants to fail. First off, she looked all crazy glam and second off, this was a karaoke rendition if I ever heard one. She may have been feeling passionate, but I’m with Dave and the band – she was going through the motions and it just didn’t come across. This song isn’t the challenging vocally so I think she should have picked a song that would show off her voice.

Jordis – Layla
Even the golden child can stink up the joint every once and a while. I think it was a touch of fast and I just didn’t feel the bittersweet of Eric Clapton. She sang it like an upbeat party mix and there were evident vocal problems. Maybe she was partying it up too much with her birthday celebrations. The band totally digs her scene, so whatever.


Brandon – It’s All Over Now
Appropriate song title, because this dude is on borrowed time. While I understand going back to his comfort zone, it just made it clearer to me that the only thing he has any business singing is blues/classic rock. He looked like a fucking epilectic seal with all that crazy dancing. I still have no love for him. He isn’t strong vocally and when he goes outside of what he knows, he blows.

Marty – Mr. Bright Side
Marty has a good head on his shoulders, and I dig his scene. At first I wasn’t sure about doing this song acoustic, but the risk seemed to pay off for him. He sings the song better than the lead singer of the Killers (live anyway). Dave loved it, J.D. looked pissed that he didn’t think of it first, and the band lurved it. Yeah Marty!

Deanna – Long Train Running
Her hair looks great pulled back and she sounded awesome. It is clear that the stage band digs playing with her. While I know she has some vocal problems, her voice is monstrous and she sings her ass off. It is funny to me that Dave thinks she is so hott because she doesn’t dress like a slut at all (I’m looking at you Jessica…and Brooke). The band is dead on that she sometimes oversings, and it is interesting that they want he to strip it back and do a song that will expose her voice more (the very thing she is hoping to avoid).

Ty – No Woman No Cry
I love that Brooke called his performance from last week “underwhelming”. What a cunt. I mean, she is one to talk, she looked like she was wearing a bird’s nest. He sang with no vibrato, thank gawd. I’m glad he was the one to sing this song, because if I had to listen to Suzie or some white chick sing it I’d have to mute the sound. He seemed pretty chilled out overall, though I did not did the vocal wankery at the end. Thank goodness the band finally dug him, it’s about time.

Bottom 3 is easy this week: Suzie, Jessica Brandon.

Rockstar INXS: Can-Con stands strong.

Quick synopsis of Monday's half-hour of rocker posturing before I jump into the reviews of last night's most eXcellent show:

I wonder how drunk the show's producers get the rockers before they roll camera? Also, are they drinking beer out of those red coloured wine glasses? Kinda sudsy for merlot. Totally cheesey family moment with Marty's sister shows up. Wtf is this, Survivor? They are holed up in a fuckin' mansion in LA for gawd's sake, not the middle of Africa. Also, she has letters for him? Correct me if I'm wrong, but they all have cell phones. Whatever. I really need to stop watching the Monday night show. The only redeeming thing was the little vocal clinic with Ron Anderson (never heard of him). The whole hold your jaw, stick your tongue out bit is pretty standard (so, I'm saying he isn't some vocal guru, he is just a singing teacher). I guess if you have never had lessons before that stuff would be earth shattering, but I don't buy it. I didn't get the humm and swallow thing, that just makes no sense. I LOVED that Brandon was all "I like where I'm at, I don't want any help". What a JACKASS!! Idiot!! I agreed with good ol' Ron about Deanna's voice being very effected, but she seems to get at decent sound going regardless. I can't imagine how awful it would be to have a singing lesson in front of nine other people you are competing with, Dave Navarro and INXS. Not fun.

Tuesday night and everything's all right:
Again, Dave N. is wearing a shirt. Brooke Burke looks like she killed a robin and a Christmas tree for her outfit. She seems pretty hit and miss.

Mig - We Will Rock You
I guess the white jeans are okay as it is still before Labour day, but they are not my favourite. I found his singing a little "talky", and he dropped a few notes here and there. It might have been the drums only version of the song that caused that, it is hard to sing with no harmony. Overall a bit of a wankfest, but I like Mig, lip gloss and all. Dave N. may have been hitting on him at the end, but uh, so it goes.

Deanna - I'm the Only One
Love her hair, still love her voice, despite the vocal teacher crapping all over her and stressing her out. She is such a strong rock singer, and INXS clearly lurves her. I don't get the whole mixture of brown and black leather, but hey, I'm not a rocker. Pretty cool how she came up and rocked right in their faces. I loved that Dave N. threw that dig at J.D. out there by complementing her on "keeping it together" with her sister in the audience. HAH!

Marty - With Arms Wide Open
I hate Creed, so so much. Yuck. As Scott points out, the only band worse than Creed is Nickleback. Marty was kind of distracting with the weird arm seizures, looked like he was doing a epilectic robot dance. He did a great job singing a shitty song. Dave N. was absolutely right that Marty did sing it better than the original, but I still hate it. INXS LOVES him.

Ty - Everlong
Sounds like Ty got rid of the "show tune" vibrato (as per the suggestion of Ron in the vocal clinic). He is so cute. The stage band rocked their asses off. I don't love the song, but I think he pulled it off. Dave N. said he had some pitch issues and missed a few entrances, but I didn't notice and INXS dug it.

Jessica - Blister In the Sun
As you may have guessed, I am not Jessica's number one fan. She did this weird nasally thing with her voice on this song that I hated. I think the key was about a minor 3rd too low. Also, a little too cute for me, and she continues to dance like a backup dancer for James Brown (you know the ones - the white chicks in the bikinis that come out when he gets tired). I did like that Jessica told Dave N. that "this is it, this is who I am". INXS seemed to like it fine, though I think they were just enjoying the "show".

Brandon - If You Could Only See
This guy has no sense of rhythm. He kept doing this weird punctuated "if-you-could" thing that sounded like he was trying to punch the words through my forehead, or like he was stabbing a porkchop. I loved his vocal slipup "if-you-could....I love me". How true. Actually, it is pretty evident how much Brandon loves himself. I think I am not objective when it comes to Brandon - I keep wishing him ill.

Jordis - The Man Who Sold the World
She was clearly feeling it, but she managed to keep her composure. I love her timbre, and she sings really in tune. She definitely has the "it" factor. Dave N. and INXS totally dig her. I think that we'll be seeing more of her after this show, even when INXS inevitably picks a dude. She'll go on to something better.

J.D. - The Letter
The disses being directed at J.D. didn't seem to hurt him, I'd say they just fueled the fire and fed his confidence. He definitely rocked out with the cock out. I think he was channeling some Elvis with that swagger, and I didn't dig his convulsing dance moves at all. Dave N. and INXS loved it, but after last week, he had to do something big, so he definitely came out tits up, hammer out.

Tara - Message In A Bottle
Too fast!! What is it with the stage band and Sting songs? I wonder if they speed up the tempos to get the songs done in the allotted amount of time? Anyway, it is obnoxious. I thought she looked good, sounded good, but there was something tentative about her, like she is so nervous to get kicked off. Funny thing is that I want Tara to do well, but I personally don't find her all that compelling and I don't think INXS does either. Weird question they asked her about whether or not she "liked doing covers". Essentially any singer they select will be doing pretty much all INXS covers so they better be good at it.

Suzie - Get Back
She seemed pretty comfortable up there, rockin' in her pinstripe pants (probably better suited for the office than a rock show). Interesting song choice because this song has a lot of instrumental space and last time I checked this was a singing competition of sorts. I think she nailed the vibe and mood of the song, and it seemed like INXS liked that she let the band solo without singing on top of them.

It is going to be a hard choice tonight with all of these strong performances. Ultimately the singers that are "just not right for the band" will stand out though. My prediction for tonight is that Jessica and Tara will for sure be in the bottom three, and hopefully Brandon will too (likely wishful thinking on my part).

The chicks hit the fan.

Much to my amazement, Dave N. was wearing a shirt again. According to his blog he has been sick though, so, we'll cut him some slack. Brooke looked a lot better tonight, leaving the gunny sack at home in exchange for a tight black halter top and oodles of silver chains.

On the "encore" tip, INXS asked Marty to sing Lithium again. I think he sang it better last night, but I am sure he was a little surprised to be singing tonight, so I'll be nice. At least he isn't a cocky so-and-so like J.D. Interesting how Brooke asked all the singers if they thought they would be in the bottom three. I wasn't looking that closely, but I noticed Jordis did not raise her hand. Lol - she is one confident woman, love it. Some of those guys who raised their hands were just trying to look modest.

Bottom 3: Jessica, Daphna, and Heather. WTF? WHERE IS BRANDON? HOW UNFAIR! While Jessica didn't offend me last night she certainly isn't anything special. Daphna blew big chunks last night (punk or not) and Heather, well, no surprise there really.

INXS "Save your ass" Covers:

Daphna - What You Need
I think she will forever more regret this pink babydoll wardrobe choice. I mean, pink babydoll...not very rock 'n roll. I thought this was a weird song for them to pick for her - they have been harping on her to sing songs that are more melodically challenging, and this certainly wasn't it. Funny that part of the band decided to play (how well can they actually hear when they are playing?). Definitely a better view of her butt though.

Heather - By My Side
Damn, she looked like she was barely breathing. Sullen, low energy - what the hell? The band put it best when they said it appeared she had already given up. She was better than last night, but so was the stale bagel I ate for breakfast.

Jessica - Elegantly Wasted
Another bad key for the ladies to sing in. I am surprised they don't have some of these songs arranged a third or fourth higher - seems obvious to me that they are going to have to do this on all of their songs if they pick a woman.

Given the heave ho: Heather and Daphna. I am not really shocked by this - I bet it will happen once more at least. There is a lot of dead weight up on that stage, and I doubt they still want to be doing this show 9 weeks from now. Also - woo hoo for Tara staying out of the bottom 3!

Rock 'n Roll is dead.

In case you are wondering why the delay in posting this blog, it is because I needed a night's sleep to recover from that horrible spectacle of a show last night where a bunch of badly-dressed-clown-faced-craptastic-"singers" got up and embarrassed themselves. You know that when the highlight of the show is that Dave Navarro actually wore a shirt, and Brooke Burke wore a green potato sack with her kid's grade 1 macrame project around her neck that it is going to be the longest hour of your life. I should note that not ALL the singers where horrible, but most of them were downright bad or just "meh". I'll put a little * next to the singers that knocked it out of the park.

Jordis - Gimme Some Lovin'
This girl is just so cute and happy to be rockin', how can you not love her? I have to say I have yet to be blown away by her singing, but I think it may just be that her singing and energy don't translate across the airwaves. It doesn't really matter though because she has the look, and she can clearly sing. Also, INXS lurves her and I think she could go up on stage and pee in a bucket and they would still tell her how awesome she is.

Suzie - Superstition
I have this thing about white women singing Stevie Wonder. DON'T DO IT. She just ended up sounding like she was trying too hard. During her song I was picturing her as the singer in the lounge in Japan in that scene from "Lost In Translation" where Bill Murray has the clips holding the back of his jacket together, and the eyeliner, and he is all mooney eyed over Scarlett....I digress. The token harmonica playing at the end bit the big weenie...and yet, INXS liked her (either that or they want to boink her?).

Jessica - Because the Night
She started out very nice, subtle, even dare I say musical. The song never went anywhere for me, and I had this feeling like we were all under water...may have been a bit of a pitch thing? It was nice to see her with some clothes on though and not moving around like a hoochy.

*Mig - Lola
I think Mig came into his own tonight and I could tell that the band was totally digging playing this arrangement. It was the first time where I actually saw Mig's personality come through, and he was also true to his voice, instead of posturing and imitating another rocker. Also - holy shit this guy is CUT. Woo hoo. Maybe that is why Dave Navarro put his shirt on.

Brandon - Tempted
Rule #1 when learning a new song is learn the fucking melody. I mean, jebus dude didn't even come close. How insulting. What a FUCKER! I have much loathing for Brandon. How has he not landed in the bottom 3 yet? Also, as a singer, when INXS tells you that you will benefit from the upcoming vocal clinic, you are in trouble. Brandon needs to pack his shit up and get ready to go.

*Ty - Everybody Hurts
I have said this before and I will say it again - Ty is the best singer in the bunch by far. I think he could sing anything. He was smart to tone it down a bit and sing a ballad. Also, I am wondering what he would look like with some hair? I appreciate that he is trying to stand out, but the mohawk may be distracting the band...they are pretty straight laced Aussies.

Heather - If It Makes You Happy
I was thinking, see, Sheryl Crow is not that great a singer, so Heather should be able to knock this out of the park but was I ever wrong. She sounded nervous and pitchy, the key was bad for her and she really should have been able to blow the doors off on this. Weird growling thing on "Mmmmmmmmmmmakes you" that I just hated. She said at the end that she has been sick (and as a singer, I totally understand that) so I hope that she gets better and has another shot next week. I think she may be in trouble if she lands in the bottom 3 and doesn't sing her ass off tonight.
J.D. - We Are The Champions
Was he singing an octave lower than he should have been at the beginning? Then, did he totally CHOKE on the melody? And try to get the audience to sing a line? Ummm...and the part where he just changed the melody because it didn't fit in his range? And then he blamed his fuck up on the fact that his long lost sister was in the audience? Dude, super lame. What would you do if you looked down and saw someone super famous in the crowd? Lose your shit? Come on! Word to Dave Navarro for saying the band played awesome, because they were truly wicked.

Deanna - Give A Little Bit
Kind of underwhelming (not a word, I looked it up). She didn't really take this song anywhere, I think the whole acoustic vibe was just too mellow for the song. I am wondering why she picked a song like this when she was such a baby about her song last week? The band lurves her though, so she's safe for now.

Daphna - Rock the Casbah
I think she had the melody wrong in the first verse, and actually, she may have been singing in the wrong key altogether. The first chorus got her back on track, but damn, she really shit the bed on this song. The whole toga look was NOT HOTT (despite what Dave Navarro said). Her body is one of her main assets - she needs to feature that as her voice was sub par last night.

Tara - Suffragette City
The band looked so unimpressed during her performance, I kind of felt bad for her. I mean, the song sounded alright to me but I don't really know it, so that's not saying much. She copped a weird attitude with the band at the end of her song, and it is probably just her being defensive after being in the bottom 3 for 2 weeks in a row. Not cool though, and again, Dave N. had a point with the "put that 'tude in your singing". I think Tara is on her way out...

*Marty - Lithium
Seemed a touch fast in the opening, and if it makes sense, even a little plodding? The first chorus onwards was great though - he really captured the song. The band clearly liked it, but I did agree with Dave N. that it wasn't his best vocal performance (a bit pitchy). But I like Marty, so I'm going to leave him be.

Bottom line tonight is that Brandon needs to go. J.D. and Heather should also be in the bottom 3. Guess we'll see what happens...

Step away from the mic.

Since we already know that nothing of any consequence happens on Monday night (at least, not on Rockstar INXS) this is more of a vanity post than anything else. Hey - how many whiny-pseudo-wannabe-rockers does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they get the band to do it in the background while they dance around out front trying to look badass.

Again with the toasting of Neal like he is dead. What is with all of the dudes bawling their eyes out like he was such a great contribution to rock? Gimme a break - he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket that guy. Get over it. Also, why does J.D. care if the other singers are "cool" with him? Only one person gets to be the lead singer of INXS dude. Balls out and go for it. Note, Brandon is a dipshit and he needs to shut it. Something else I learned - Mig is a sap (but all men are when it comes to them and their one and only).


Rockstar Clinic - Stagecraft (sounds like an optional course I tried to pass off as a required arts and science course....):
As a singer I know how hard it is to watch and/or hear yourself sing. On top of that to have a room full of singers critique you as well? Damn. That's tough. Question - why, oh why, do they keep picking on my man Ty? Also, Brandon needs to die in the face. He is such a douchebag, hypocrite, and a dumb dumb singer.

Song Selection:
J.D. tries to get Jordis to change songs with him, and actually convinces her to give up her first choice of "We are the champions". Kind of makes me want him to fall on his ass for doing that and playing head games with her. THEN, he tries to get her to switch back and she is all "whatever dude, talk to the hand" and that made me love her even more. What an idiot - again with the arrangement deal. I just loved how the band shut him down. HAH! I'm not sure whether tomorrow night is going to be a laugh riot or a quiet riot...guess we'll have to see.

You're just not right for our band.

What they should really say when they turf someone is "Mate, you couldn't hold Michael Hutchence's sweaty balls in your hands, let alone try to take his place". But I'm getting ahead of myself, so here's the recap from yesterday along with tonight's downer of show (I can't believe I missed "So You Think You Can Dance" for this...).

Last night Brooke came out rockin' the black bra and white wife beater. Hot look. Dave Navarro on the other hand needs to wear a shirt - just for once already. The performances went like so:

Marty - What I Like About You
His singing was okay, the song really didn't go anywhere for me. As usual, his dancing was kind of spastic and distracting, but apparently INXS dug it, so whatev.

Daphna - I Hate Myself For Loving You
She sang flat throughout the song, but I think the key was just too low. Scott, along with every other man with a pulse thinks she's hot.

Ty - Somebody Told Me
Buddy sang this better than the lead singer of the Killers - their singer is awful live though...weird how the band gave him a hard time saying his performance was the same as last week (yeah, if you mean he rocked out with the cock out). I don't get it.

Suzie - Roxanne
The tempo was too fast and she did not sing rhythmically enough or hit her marks at all. Again, a bad key - but really, the beauty of this song when Sting sings it is that he is a tenor at the top of his range, so it sounds awesome. Weird - the band loved it - how can they dig that when they gave Ty grief?

Mig - Walk This Way
Totally tense - I think he was afraid of forgetting the words. The choruses seemed kind of blah to me, not the Steven Tyler rendition I know and love. I'm not sure who was more relieved when he finished, me or him.

Neal - Summer of '69
His singing was OFF. He was so into pretend playing his guitar that he missed the melody completely. What a cocky asshole - for all the looks and style he can't carry a tune in a bucket.

Heather - It's Only Rock 'n Roll
I like that she doesn't appear to be trying too hard and taking on a persona that isn't her. Scott thinks she lacks charisma, but I just think she needs to practice her clothing removal as that ripping off of the shirt was not hot (strip clubs in Sudbury come to mind).

JD - Hand In My Pocket
See, I totally hated this dude the first night, but seeing that he's from New Glasgow, um, I mean OAKVILLE (wtf - again!) I have to give him a shot. I wonder if he got tired holding his arm in the air for the entire song. Weirdo. INXS lurves him big time and he totally kissed their asses with the "I am a true fan, they are not" bullshit comment. That did not go over well with the other singers.

Tara - Paranoid
I think she did awesome on this song and it's a hard song because it starts at 100% and just stays there, so you have maintain that energy throughout. Also, she looked badass with those red fingerless gloves. I'm glad the band dug it because she got a raw deal last week. For some reason I don't think she's connecting with the audience though.

Deanna - The One I Love
For all the bitching and moaning she did about getting stuck with this song I think she managed okay. I wasn't a huge fan of the interpretation and I thought it was forced. Apparently the band agreed with me.


Jordis - The Reason
I'm with Dave Navarro on this one - I have never liked that song. Still don't. Jordis is super cute though and the band loves her. She sounded kind of week in the verses though, but they called that "versatile". Um. Okay?

Jessica - Purple Haze
She reminds me of the trashy hoochie dancers that come out half way through James Brown's concerts when he gets too tired to boogie and needs some eye candy. Scott said "the early 90's called and they want their ripped jeans back". He was also commented that if Cher ever covered Purple Haze, that is exactly what it would sound like. Ouch. The band didn't like it either, which impresses me, because she dresses like a slut and I thought they we be distracted.

Brandon - Sweet Home Alabama
Too fast! And Bo Bice did it better. I just don't get any kind of a special vibe off this guy. But he did play guitar, which was pretty decent.

The Cut:
INXS started by giving props to Suzie, Mig and JD. I understand JD, but not the others.

The bottom three were Tara, Jessica and Neal. Not a huge surprise really. They had to sing their INXS songs to try to save face.

Neal - Suicide Blonde
This guy couldn't sing a melody if it walked up one side of him and down the other.

Tara - Mystify
Bad girl key (shocker!). Really a so-so cover, but better than Neal.

Jessica - Don't Change
Another bad girl key and a lame rendition. But the band sounded good...

So, they shit canned Neal, absolutely the right choice. I predict the women will start to fall next week.

Rockstar INXS: A lesson on why bands hate singers.

I'm trying a new experiment this week - blogging realtime while I watch Rockstar INXS. Yes, I know this makes me a geek, but I'm okay with that. And Scott thinks it's HOTT (and that's all I really care about).

On with it:

I love how they toasted Will like he was dead. Also, JD is from Oakville, why the hell are they listing him as from "New Glasgow"? And Suzie is from Mississauga, not Toronto - nice try!

Random jamming ensues when the band gives all the singers new guitars. Interesting that only Suzie and Heather bothered to pick them up - are they the only women that can play? Damn. What a waste of guitars - why not just hand out tambourines and buy Brooke more bikinis with the extra cash? (Edited to add that of COURSE Deanna plays guitar - Canada represent!)

Dave Navarro looks like he is channeling Prince with the white feather boa and white pants. And he is teaching style - at least he knows he looks like a jackass. Next, rockify the singers. When the fuck are these guys going to SING? Also, Suzie = not sexy.

I'm not sure what I think about them picking 14 songs and making the singers split them up. I guess that inevitably a singer is going to have to perform something they don't like, but I think that these guys should be able to pick songs that are going to make them look good.

Rehearsals:
JD - this is why musicians hate singers (wack wack wack!! is not how you describe a drum kick).

MIG - if "Walk this Way" is one of his favourite rock songs - how does he not know the words already?

Tara - I'm not sure if the sunglasses are going to help her rock out, but I want her to do well.

Deanna - more sunglasses...not helping. Bad key on "One I love"! (See - when you have to butcher the melody to make it work, that means it isn't working). Deanna is turning into a cow with the whole "I don't feel it" bit. Get over it.

And...I guess that's it. Some costumes, free guitars, and 4 rehearsals that were a prime example of why bands hate singers. Hopefully tomorrow's show will be better than this or else I'm just going to start skipping Monday nights.

When it's bad it ain't bad enough.

I hate the lack of quality television in the summer. Remember how 2 summers ago the O.C. started up? What's going on this summer? Big Brother, the embarrassment of Canadian Idol and some shitty celebratory dance show do not cut it - I need more to give me a valid reason to plunk my ass down on the couch for an evening of sedentary entertainment. As an alternative I have been forced to get my butt to the gym. Unfortunate really, as I much prefer sitting and drinking in the comfort of my living room. Alas, Rockstar INXS has come to save me. Thank you INXS. Also, thank you for your "Kick" album which I still love to this day (even though I bought it back in grade 7 to listen to on the bus ride to Quebec City). I stumbled upon this show on Monday night and I was pleasantly surprised that while all of the contestants are trying to look and act like rock stars, the cheese/obnoxious factor did not make me turn off the tv before giving it a real chance. And oh do they rock and oh do they pose and oh do they sing. Seriously, most of these guys and gals can actually sing, and sing well. What a thrill!

Scott and I were chatting about the show last night and he thinks that it is a total marketing scam that they even have women on the show because there is no way INXS would have a female singer. I don't think it is a huge risk, because really, the strongest rock singers are Ty and Neal. I think they had to include women so that Dave Navarro would be a guest judge and for a little eye candy (I wonder what Carmen thinks of Brooke Burke getting the hosting gig?). I don't have ratings on each individual singer yet because I wasn't anticipating I would like the show so much. But next week, just wait. Next week I will give you the low down on what's what, but I can tell you it was no damn loss that Dana got turfed. More later on the hot hot heat, Captain Bitch Face (aka "the mad pisser"), and my new found motivation to get my ass in shape.