The Kat came back (she just couldn't stay away).

It's ON bitches! I got me a shiny new job at a super shiny company. I am not going to say anything more than that. But man, I am stoked. I think that when I get my first new and shiny paycheque, I'm going to put an order in for this "Big Maneki Neko Lucky CAT Sculpture" as it is called on this website. I recently started developing a bit of a fetish for these cats of good fortune. I bought my first when I was visiting my bestfriend Jennifer a few weeks ago in Ottawa. The one I bought was somewhat plump, and white. I bought one just like it in gold for Alana, figuring she could use some more good fortune this year (and it is already working!). Seriously, my good fortune has turned right around. But maybe it was always good, and the fact that my outlook is positive, I am able to recognize it. Ah fuck, who knows? I'm going to go rub my good luck cat's belly and start celebrating with Scott. INXS review tonight!

On a Monday, I am waiting.

Rockstar INXS can't figure out what the heck to do with that little extra show of theirs. Apparently it was on last night at 8pm, but again, I was left in the dark. Scott and I had a "Law & Order - Mr. Ridiculous" date, and he made me wings, which more than made up for it. I was checking out INXS's website to see what the story was with the show (it was no help), and after I started linking around, I somehow got to this silly MeeGos site. It is similar to the Yahoo Avatars, but they are more cutsy, and um, they cost money. I am cheap, so I just took screen caps of my creations. That first one, is what I would look like if I were a cartoon rockstar. This second one is Alana on her noodle. Umm...maybe you had to be there?

This will be an interesting week for me as I have to harness some patience and play it cool. The wonderful world of negotiations. I have a couple of things I'm looking at, and I think there is a chance that both will come to fruition. Then I have to pick the best one for me. I think that either one on their own would be good though, so if they don't both come through, I'll be okay. But man, if they do both come through, that would be AWESOME. I know I am being vague, but it will all become very clear...as mud.

Shoutout to my girl Jenn who is getting married on Saturday (seen here with her super cute puppy Dexter). I went to her bachelorette party on Saturday and spent yesterday recovering. I would like to believe that I was not so drunk as to not be in control, somewhat. But, in fact, I may have hurdled over the line of good taste on several occasions, so it is more likely that I was VERY drunk, and just one of those drunk girls who thinks they have it together, but really, they have lipstick smeared across their cheek, they are cursing like a sailor, and hitting on 21 year old bouncers. Nice to know that at 30, I still got it.

Bossa the Zombie Cat.

Scott would be the first to tell you that I am not a fan of zombies. I can't handle them, not in books, movies, tv shows, music videos, nothing. As you can imagine, to have them infiltrating my dreams is even more disturbing. Plus, having my cat Bossa turn into a zombie cat - just awful.

The dream: Bossa (aka "Captain Bitchface") is trying to jump over the baby gate at the top of our stairs. She is totally freaking out, hissing and scratching and clawing and the likes. I know that she wants to attack our other cat Samba, so I am swatting at Bossa, not letting her up the stairs (note, at this point, she is just a normal cat, not yet a zombie cat). She is getting super crazed, so I give her a real hard swat, which sends her flying. In my dream, our staircase is spiral, and there is a clear path down to the floor below (neither are true in the reality that is my relatively small house). Bossa drops straight down, head first and lands with a sickening crack on the ceramic tile below. She isn't moving, and Scott and I both run downstairs to see if she is okay. Scott picks her up and cradles her in his lap, and that's when her eyes start swelling. And they are bright yellow, and they are getting bigger and bigger, and popping out of the sockets and then the EXPLODE. So, for some reason, we assume she is dead, so we leave her and go to get a box to put her in. When we come back in, we see her, not dead at all. She is doing the zombie march down our hallway, but she is blind, because her eyes exploded. So, we are standing there in our hallway, with the blind zombie cat marching towards us.

Weird dream, eh? I told Scott about it and he started singing "Zombie cat, zombie cat" to the Spiderman theme music. He agreed that my dream was disturbing. I think that forever more, Bossa will be referred to (lovingly) as Zombie Cat.

Cogeco Internet and VOIP: Up and down like a whiskey dick.

See, I was initially excited about getting VOIP (voice over IP) from Cogeco when Scott mentioned it to me last month. I mean, it meant getting rid of Ma-Bell for once and for all, and I figured it would be kind of cool to lead the way into the next generation of technology. Plus the long distance within North America 24-7 at no extra cost – that doesn’t suck.

But you want to know what does suck? What does suck is that at 4pm today, when I was expecting a very important phone call and/or email by end of business day Friday, neither my phone nor my internet connection were working. And insult to injury, neither was my cable, so no television to distract me from the fact that neither my god damn PHONE nor my INTERNET connection were working. So, I called dear Cogeco, and explained my situation to them. Apparently, if I am the only person in my neighbourhood bitching and moaning, they don’t give a fuck, and they will send someone out on Saturday. Saturday! So, I guess the fact that I spend upwards of $150 a month with them is not worth their time. The fact that NONE OF THEIR SHIT-ASS services are working, that is NOT THEIR PROBLEM.

Well fuck you Cogeco. As I type this, my phone and internet have been up and down like a whiskey dick (all talk, no delivery). That 8 hour phone battery backup doesn’t do me a fuck lot of good if my cable modem is blinking like a Christmas tree. Now I understand why the first month is free. You are lucky my husband is more patient than me, because if I had my way, we would have cancelled our television, internet and phone today. Eventually though, I will have my way, so you better ship the fuck up or I will kick you to the curb, don’t even kid.

I guess what I’m saying is, if you were thinking about getting VOIP, from Cogeco, wait…a while. A long long while. They have miles to go before they sleep. Also, their installation technicians leave all their garbage and boxes behind when they are finished, and despite requests to confirm that your internet is up and running, they will wave you off like you are a dumb blonde and say “yes, yes, it is working” but really it isn’t, and then you get to spend a half hour waiting to get through to Cogeco by phone, I mean, assuming your phone is working. Not a great customer experience.

PS Alana: See, it is hard to come off as sappy and sentimental when you say “fuck” and “shit” a lot. Also, CAPS, not so sentimental.

My baby got back.

I don't usually get up on my soap box (aka blog) and sing the praises of mass marketed products, but hott damn - the Gap got it right with these new curvy jeans of theirs! See, after visiting Jennifer and having the demoralizing experience of trying on the new Seven/7 jeans that are all the rage, and realizing, they just don't even make them in my size (ouch) plus they cost about $300 (double ouch) I was super thrilled to give these curvy jeans a shot. So, thank you Gap, for not penalizing me just because I got a booty, my thighs touch, I am only 5'4 (love the ankle length!) and I do not want to have to wax to wear my jeans. Shoot, you know what I'm talkin' about with those ultra-low-rise (my hip bones will act as my belt) jeans. Also, I don't want the world to see my ass crack when I bend over, and I also don't want to be tugging at my shirt to make sure my back isn't peeking out. So if you struggle with finding the right pair of jeans, and you are not a stick figure, I strongly encourage you to go give these a try. They're also on sale now for $55 a pair...bootyous.

Brandon *is* an ass-hat.

In contrast to last night, Brooke actually wore a lot of clothes (for her anyway). Weird leggings... channeling her inner skid chick I guess.

Bottom 3, as promised was Suzie, Brandon and Jessica. Props from the band to Marty and Ty (no surprise there). Brandon is such an ass-hat, if they don’t kick him off I may have to boycott the show. Lol – Suzie looked SO PISSED OFF to be in the bottom 3 AGAIN! I think she just doesn’t connect with the audience, regardless of how good she may be live.

Save your skin songs:

Jessica – Disappear
I am kind of hoping Jessica “disappears” in the next week or so. Damn she was pitchy and she is just too cutesy for my liking. We all know she isn’t right for INXS, why prolong the misery?

Brandon – Don’t Lose Your Head
I don’t get why they gave him another bluesy song – maybe they knew it would be his final song so they wanted him to end strong. Pitchy like all hell AND he forgot the words. Not cool dude.

Suzie – Bitter Tears (aka “Suzie’s Bottom 3 Tears of Bitterness”)
Bad key – it makes her seem like she is singing with low energy. Things seemed to pick up once the song got rolling. Boy was the rhinestone fly on her crotch distracting.

Anyway, I’m happy Brandon is gone and we won’t have to listen to him yowl at the moon next week. If I was the band I would have turfed Jessica as well, but now they have an almost even split of guys to girls.

Current favs to win: Marty, Mig, J.D. (in that order)

Sausagefest 2005 – The search continues.

Apologies for the lack of blog on Monday’s show. I couldn’t find it because those wankers at CBS ditched it off to VH1 and I assumed that meant it wouldn't be on in Canada. Stephanie, with her magical powers watched it so I’ll have to assume that it was available somewhere, or her dreams are just really fucking vivid.

So, onto Tuesday’s night. Where are Brooke’s pants? Did she lose them in the divorce? Scott likes her juicy legs. Dave Navarro wants her to take her top off. Good times.

Suzie – Losing My Religion
I’m glad she skipped the acapella intro she was considering because that would have blown big chunks. I think she was trying to hard to rock with a song that doesn’t really want to rock all that hard. Weird pants…did she buy them at Tallcrest (Mincemeat Vixen’s favourite store)? The band really liked it, me not so much. I did like the Joan Osborne look though with the hair and long earrings. Would have been better if she hooked her nose ring up though.

Mig – All Right Now
He totally captured the right mood of the song and sang rhythmically which I appreciate. He just grooved his hot little ass off. I didn’t love the pinstripe pants (are the singers passing those around?) but how can you not ogle that body? I agree with the band that he should sing a ballad. Go Mig!

J.D. – Crazy
Damn J.D.’s a cock SOB. Jennifer would have approved of that eyeliner though. Kind of a weird song for him to cover – he had no flow to the melody and sang it all punchy style (too rhythmic….). I’ve seen Seal live and J.D. didn’t do this song justice, I mean, he missed the entire point of the song. I don’t agree with Dave that he did a great job, but I do agree with the band that he was pitchy.

Jessica – Come As You Are
I have no idea why she picked this song, it’s like she wants to fail. First off, she looked all crazy glam and second off, this was a karaoke rendition if I ever heard one. She may have been feeling passionate, but I’m with Dave and the band – she was going through the motions and it just didn’t come across. This song isn’t the challenging vocally so I think she should have picked a song that would show off her voice.

Jordis – Layla
Even the golden child can stink up the joint every once and a while. I think it was a touch of fast and I just didn’t feel the bittersweet of Eric Clapton. She sang it like an upbeat party mix and there were evident vocal problems. Maybe she was partying it up too much with her birthday celebrations. The band totally digs her scene, so whatever.


Brandon – It’s All Over Now
Appropriate song title, because this dude is on borrowed time. While I understand going back to his comfort zone, it just made it clearer to me that the only thing he has any business singing is blues/classic rock. He looked like a fucking epilectic seal with all that crazy dancing. I still have no love for him. He isn’t strong vocally and when he goes outside of what he knows, he blows.

Marty – Mr. Bright Side
Marty has a good head on his shoulders, and I dig his scene. At first I wasn’t sure about doing this song acoustic, but the risk seemed to pay off for him. He sings the song better than the lead singer of the Killers (live anyway). Dave loved it, J.D. looked pissed that he didn’t think of it first, and the band lurved it. Yeah Marty!

Deanna – Long Train Running
Her hair looks great pulled back and she sounded awesome. It is clear that the stage band digs playing with her. While I know she has some vocal problems, her voice is monstrous and she sings her ass off. It is funny to me that Dave thinks she is so hott because she doesn’t dress like a slut at all (I’m looking at you Jessica…and Brooke). The band is dead on that she sometimes oversings, and it is interesting that they want he to strip it back and do a song that will expose her voice more (the very thing she is hoping to avoid).

Ty – No Woman No Cry
I love that Brooke called his performance from last week “underwhelming”. What a cunt. I mean, she is one to talk, she looked like she was wearing a bird’s nest. He sang with no vibrato, thank gawd. I’m glad he was the one to sing this song, because if I had to listen to Suzie or some white chick sing it I’d have to mute the sound. He seemed pretty chilled out overall, though I did not did the vocal wankery at the end. Thank goodness the band finally dug him, it’s about time.

Bottom 3 is easy this week: Suzie, Jessica Brandon.

Rockstar INXS: Can-Con stands strong.

Quick synopsis of Monday's half-hour of rocker posturing before I jump into the reviews of last night's most eXcellent show:

I wonder how drunk the show's producers get the rockers before they roll camera? Also, are they drinking beer out of those red coloured wine glasses? Kinda sudsy for merlot. Totally cheesey family moment with Marty's sister shows up. Wtf is this, Survivor? They are holed up in a fuckin' mansion in LA for gawd's sake, not the middle of Africa. Also, she has letters for him? Correct me if I'm wrong, but they all have cell phones. Whatever. I really need to stop watching the Monday night show. The only redeeming thing was the little vocal clinic with Ron Anderson (never heard of him). The whole hold your jaw, stick your tongue out bit is pretty standard (so, I'm saying he isn't some vocal guru, he is just a singing teacher). I guess if you have never had lessons before that stuff would be earth shattering, but I don't buy it. I didn't get the humm and swallow thing, that just makes no sense. I LOVED that Brandon was all "I like where I'm at, I don't want any help". What a JACKASS!! Idiot!! I agreed with good ol' Ron about Deanna's voice being very effected, but she seems to get at decent sound going regardless. I can't imagine how awful it would be to have a singing lesson in front of nine other people you are competing with, Dave Navarro and INXS. Not fun.

Tuesday night and everything's all right:
Again, Dave N. is wearing a shirt. Brooke Burke looks like she killed a robin and a Christmas tree for her outfit. She seems pretty hit and miss.

Mig - We Will Rock You
I guess the white jeans are okay as it is still before Labour day, but they are not my favourite. I found his singing a little "talky", and he dropped a few notes here and there. It might have been the drums only version of the song that caused that, it is hard to sing with no harmony. Overall a bit of a wankfest, but I like Mig, lip gloss and all. Dave N. may have been hitting on him at the end, but uh, so it goes.

Deanna - I'm the Only One
Love her hair, still love her voice, despite the vocal teacher crapping all over her and stressing her out. She is such a strong rock singer, and INXS clearly lurves her. I don't get the whole mixture of brown and black leather, but hey, I'm not a rocker. Pretty cool how she came up and rocked right in their faces. I loved that Dave N. threw that dig at J.D. out there by complementing her on "keeping it together" with her sister in the audience. HAH!

Marty - With Arms Wide Open
I hate Creed, so so much. Yuck. As Scott points out, the only band worse than Creed is Nickleback. Marty was kind of distracting with the weird arm seizures, looked like he was doing a epilectic robot dance. He did a great job singing a shitty song. Dave N. was absolutely right that Marty did sing it better than the original, but I still hate it. INXS LOVES him.

Ty - Everlong
Sounds like Ty got rid of the "show tune" vibrato (as per the suggestion of Ron in the vocal clinic). He is so cute. The stage band rocked their asses off. I don't love the song, but I think he pulled it off. Dave N. said he had some pitch issues and missed a few entrances, but I didn't notice and INXS dug it.

Jessica - Blister In the Sun
As you may have guessed, I am not Jessica's number one fan. She did this weird nasally thing with her voice on this song that I hated. I think the key was about a minor 3rd too low. Also, a little too cute for me, and she continues to dance like a backup dancer for James Brown (you know the ones - the white chicks in the bikinis that come out when he gets tired). I did like that Jessica told Dave N. that "this is it, this is who I am". INXS seemed to like it fine, though I think they were just enjoying the "show".

Brandon - If You Could Only See
This guy has no sense of rhythm. He kept doing this weird punctuated "if-you-could" thing that sounded like he was trying to punch the words through my forehead, or like he was stabbing a porkchop. I loved his vocal slipup "if-you-could....I love me". How true. Actually, it is pretty evident how much Brandon loves himself. I think I am not objective when it comes to Brandon - I keep wishing him ill.

Jordis - The Man Who Sold the World
She was clearly feeling it, but she managed to keep her composure. I love her timbre, and she sings really in tune. She definitely has the "it" factor. Dave N. and INXS totally dig her. I think that we'll be seeing more of her after this show, even when INXS inevitably picks a dude. She'll go on to something better.

J.D. - The Letter
The disses being directed at J.D. didn't seem to hurt him, I'd say they just fueled the fire and fed his confidence. He definitely rocked out with the cock out. I think he was channeling some Elvis with that swagger, and I didn't dig his convulsing dance moves at all. Dave N. and INXS loved it, but after last week, he had to do something big, so he definitely came out tits up, hammer out.

Tara - Message In A Bottle
Too fast!! What is it with the stage band and Sting songs? I wonder if they speed up the tempos to get the songs done in the allotted amount of time? Anyway, it is obnoxious. I thought she looked good, sounded good, but there was something tentative about her, like she is so nervous to get kicked off. Funny thing is that I want Tara to do well, but I personally don't find her all that compelling and I don't think INXS does either. Weird question they asked her about whether or not she "liked doing covers". Essentially any singer they select will be doing pretty much all INXS covers so they better be good at it.

Suzie - Get Back
She seemed pretty comfortable up there, rockin' in her pinstripe pants (probably better suited for the office than a rock show). Interesting song choice because this song has a lot of instrumental space and last time I checked this was a singing competition of sorts. I think she nailed the vibe and mood of the song, and it seemed like INXS liked that she let the band solo without singing on top of them.

It is going to be a hard choice tonight with all of these strong performances. Ultimately the singers that are "just not right for the band" will stand out though. My prediction for tonight is that Jessica and Tara will for sure be in the bottom three, and hopefully Brandon will too (likely wishful thinking on my part).

The time it takes to get from here to there.

I had a long overdue visit with Jennifer this weekend (it involved me getting off my "everybody-comes-to-Toronto-eventually-lazy-butt" and taking the train to Ottawa). I love Ottawa, mostly because Jennifer lives there, but also because it just seems like a more chilled out city. Drivers don't freak out, people aren't so concerned about being super stylish, movie tickets are under $10. Really very civilized if you think about it.
Jennifer's 30th birthday is on Tuesday, so I was also visiting to celebrate with her. Typically our visits include hanging out, reading gossip/fashion magazines, shopping and eating. This weekend did not disappoint. Jennifer picked a yoga shirt from Lululemon for her birthday gift, and we then proceeded to drink wine/beer after and laugh our asses off at their over the top newsletter. They take themselves very seriously for an overpriced yoga store. I mean, to say that your clothing provides people with the components to live a longer, healthier and more fun life is a pretty big claim. Let's just be clear - they sell stretchy breathable clothes for yoga...when did they become financial and health experts (their manifesto also suggests that one not trust that an old age pension will be sufficient)? Hopefully it is tongue in cheek...but still, very odd. Also, children are NOT the orgasm of life. That's just creepy.

Anyway back to the trip. The thing I love about Jennifer, (well, one of them, there are many) is that we have known each other since we were nine years old, so there is a ton of history between us, yet there are also some gaps. We were driving back to her house from one of our shopping trips, and somehow the topic of losing one's virginity came up. We were both pretty happy about the fact that we managed to wait until we were 19 (me almost 20!) before we did the deed. I needed reminding about who her first was - her boyfriend at University. She needed no reminding of who my first was as there was much drama and heartbreak (as usual with one's first) involved. She summed it up in one sentence: "Boring, boring, Murray" to which I followed up with "Gay, gay, Ryan". You do the math.

We also saw "Wedding Crashers" which I had negligible expectations of but found quite amusing, and I took Jennifer for Thai food for her birthday dinner. So, great weekend with a great lady, fine food, wine, shopping, and mucho four-legged beasts. I will have to make it back this fall to see the leaves turn. Maybe next time I'll bring Scott.

The chicks hit the fan.

Much to my amazement, Dave N. was wearing a shirt again. According to his blog he has been sick though, so, we'll cut him some slack. Brooke looked a lot better tonight, leaving the gunny sack at home in exchange for a tight black halter top and oodles of silver chains.

On the "encore" tip, INXS asked Marty to sing Lithium again. I think he sang it better last night, but I am sure he was a little surprised to be singing tonight, so I'll be nice. At least he isn't a cocky so-and-so like J.D. Interesting how Brooke asked all the singers if they thought they would be in the bottom three. I wasn't looking that closely, but I noticed Jordis did not raise her hand. Lol - she is one confident woman, love it. Some of those guys who raised their hands were just trying to look modest.

Bottom 3: Jessica, Daphna, and Heather. WTF? WHERE IS BRANDON? HOW UNFAIR! While Jessica didn't offend me last night she certainly isn't anything special. Daphna blew big chunks last night (punk or not) and Heather, well, no surprise there really.

INXS "Save your ass" Covers:

Daphna - What You Need
I think she will forever more regret this pink babydoll wardrobe choice. I mean, pink babydoll...not very rock 'n roll. I thought this was a weird song for them to pick for her - they have been harping on her to sing songs that are more melodically challenging, and this certainly wasn't it. Funny that part of the band decided to play (how well can they actually hear when they are playing?). Definitely a better view of her butt though.

Heather - By My Side
Damn, she looked like she was barely breathing. Sullen, low energy - what the hell? The band put it best when they said it appeared she had already given up. She was better than last night, but so was the stale bagel I ate for breakfast.

Jessica - Elegantly Wasted
Another bad key for the ladies to sing in. I am surprised they don't have some of these songs arranged a third or fourth higher - seems obvious to me that they are going to have to do this on all of their songs if they pick a woman.

Given the heave ho: Heather and Daphna. I am not really shocked by this - I bet it will happen once more at least. There is a lot of dead weight up on that stage, and I doubt they still want to be doing this show 9 weeks from now. Also - woo hoo for Tara staying out of the bottom 3!

Rock 'n Roll is dead.

In case you are wondering why the delay in posting this blog, it is because I needed a night's sleep to recover from that horrible spectacle of a show last night where a bunch of badly-dressed-clown-faced-craptastic-"singers" got up and embarrassed themselves. You know that when the highlight of the show is that Dave Navarro actually wore a shirt, and Brooke Burke wore a green potato sack with her kid's grade 1 macrame project around her neck that it is going to be the longest hour of your life. I should note that not ALL the singers where horrible, but most of them were downright bad or just "meh". I'll put a little * next to the singers that knocked it out of the park.

Jordis - Gimme Some Lovin'
This girl is just so cute and happy to be rockin', how can you not love her? I have to say I have yet to be blown away by her singing, but I think it may just be that her singing and energy don't translate across the airwaves. It doesn't really matter though because she has the look, and she can clearly sing. Also, INXS lurves her and I think she could go up on stage and pee in a bucket and they would still tell her how awesome she is.

Suzie - Superstition
I have this thing about white women singing Stevie Wonder. DON'T DO IT. She just ended up sounding like she was trying too hard. During her song I was picturing her as the singer in the lounge in Japan in that scene from "Lost In Translation" where Bill Murray has the clips holding the back of his jacket together, and the eyeliner, and he is all mooney eyed over Scarlett....I digress. The token harmonica playing at the end bit the big weenie...and yet, INXS liked her (either that or they want to boink her?).

Jessica - Because the Night
She started out very nice, subtle, even dare I say musical. The song never went anywhere for me, and I had this feeling like we were all under water...may have been a bit of a pitch thing? It was nice to see her with some clothes on though and not moving around like a hoochy.

*Mig - Lola
I think Mig came into his own tonight and I could tell that the band was totally digging playing this arrangement. It was the first time where I actually saw Mig's personality come through, and he was also true to his voice, instead of posturing and imitating another rocker. Also - holy shit this guy is CUT. Woo hoo. Maybe that is why Dave Navarro put his shirt on.

Brandon - Tempted
Rule #1 when learning a new song is learn the fucking melody. I mean, jebus dude didn't even come close. How insulting. What a FUCKER! I have much loathing for Brandon. How has he not landed in the bottom 3 yet? Also, as a singer, when INXS tells you that you will benefit from the upcoming vocal clinic, you are in trouble. Brandon needs to pack his shit up and get ready to go.

*Ty - Everybody Hurts
I have said this before and I will say it again - Ty is the best singer in the bunch by far. I think he could sing anything. He was smart to tone it down a bit and sing a ballad. Also, I am wondering what he would look like with some hair? I appreciate that he is trying to stand out, but the mohawk may be distracting the band...they are pretty straight laced Aussies.

Heather - If It Makes You Happy
I was thinking, see, Sheryl Crow is not that great a singer, so Heather should be able to knock this out of the park but was I ever wrong. She sounded nervous and pitchy, the key was bad for her and she really should have been able to blow the doors off on this. Weird growling thing on "Mmmmmmmmmmmakes you" that I just hated. She said at the end that she has been sick (and as a singer, I totally understand that) so I hope that she gets better and has another shot next week. I think she may be in trouble if she lands in the bottom 3 and doesn't sing her ass off tonight.
J.D. - We Are The Champions
Was he singing an octave lower than he should have been at the beginning? Then, did he totally CHOKE on the melody? And try to get the audience to sing a line? Ummm...and the part where he just changed the melody because it didn't fit in his range? And then he blamed his fuck up on the fact that his long lost sister was in the audience? Dude, super lame. What would you do if you looked down and saw someone super famous in the crowd? Lose your shit? Come on! Word to Dave Navarro for saying the band played awesome, because they were truly wicked.

Deanna - Give A Little Bit
Kind of underwhelming (not a word, I looked it up). She didn't really take this song anywhere, I think the whole acoustic vibe was just too mellow for the song. I am wondering why she picked a song like this when she was such a baby about her song last week? The band lurves her though, so she's safe for now.

Daphna - Rock the Casbah
I think she had the melody wrong in the first verse, and actually, she may have been singing in the wrong key altogether. The first chorus got her back on track, but damn, she really shit the bed on this song. The whole toga look was NOT HOTT (despite what Dave Navarro said). Her body is one of her main assets - she needs to feature that as her voice was sub par last night.

Tara - Suffragette City
The band looked so unimpressed during her performance, I kind of felt bad for her. I mean, the song sounded alright to me but I don't really know it, so that's not saying much. She copped a weird attitude with the band at the end of her song, and it is probably just her being defensive after being in the bottom 3 for 2 weeks in a row. Not cool though, and again, Dave N. had a point with the "put that 'tude in your singing". I think Tara is on her way out...

*Marty - Lithium
Seemed a touch fast in the opening, and if it makes sense, even a little plodding? The first chorus onwards was great though - he really captured the song. The band clearly liked it, but I did agree with Dave N. that it wasn't his best vocal performance (a bit pitchy). But I like Marty, so I'm going to leave him be.

Bottom line tonight is that Brandon needs to go. J.D. and Heather should also be in the bottom 3. Guess we'll see what happens...

Step away from the mic.

Since we already know that nothing of any consequence happens on Monday night (at least, not on Rockstar INXS) this is more of a vanity post than anything else. Hey - how many whiny-pseudo-wannabe-rockers does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they get the band to do it in the background while they dance around out front trying to look badass.

Again with the toasting of Neal like he is dead. What is with all of the dudes bawling their eyes out like he was such a great contribution to rock? Gimme a break - he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket that guy. Get over it. Also, why does J.D. care if the other singers are "cool" with him? Only one person gets to be the lead singer of INXS dude. Balls out and go for it. Note, Brandon is a dipshit and he needs to shut it. Something else I learned - Mig is a sap (but all men are when it comes to them and their one and only).


Rockstar Clinic - Stagecraft (sounds like an optional course I tried to pass off as a required arts and science course....):
As a singer I know how hard it is to watch and/or hear yourself sing. On top of that to have a room full of singers critique you as well? Damn. That's tough. Question - why, oh why, do they keep picking on my man Ty? Also, Brandon needs to die in the face. He is such a douchebag, hypocrite, and a dumb dumb singer.

Song Selection:
J.D. tries to get Jordis to change songs with him, and actually convinces her to give up her first choice of "We are the champions". Kind of makes me want him to fall on his ass for doing that and playing head games with her. THEN, he tries to get her to switch back and she is all "whatever dude, talk to the hand" and that made me love her even more. What an idiot - again with the arrangement deal. I just loved how the band shut him down. HAH! I'm not sure whether tomorrow night is going to be a laugh riot or a quiet riot...guess we'll have to see.

You're just not right for our band.

What they should really say when they turf someone is "Mate, you couldn't hold Michael Hutchence's sweaty balls in your hands, let alone try to take his place". But I'm getting ahead of myself, so here's the recap from yesterday along with tonight's downer of show (I can't believe I missed "So You Think You Can Dance" for this...).

Last night Brooke came out rockin' the black bra and white wife beater. Hot look. Dave Navarro on the other hand needs to wear a shirt - just for once already. The performances went like so:

Marty - What I Like About You
His singing was okay, the song really didn't go anywhere for me. As usual, his dancing was kind of spastic and distracting, but apparently INXS dug it, so whatev.

Daphna - I Hate Myself For Loving You
She sang flat throughout the song, but I think the key was just too low. Scott, along with every other man with a pulse thinks she's hot.

Ty - Somebody Told Me
Buddy sang this better than the lead singer of the Killers - their singer is awful live though...weird how the band gave him a hard time saying his performance was the same as last week (yeah, if you mean he rocked out with the cock out). I don't get it.

Suzie - Roxanne
The tempo was too fast and she did not sing rhythmically enough or hit her marks at all. Again, a bad key - but really, the beauty of this song when Sting sings it is that he is a tenor at the top of his range, so it sounds awesome. Weird - the band loved it - how can they dig that when they gave Ty grief?

Mig - Walk This Way
Totally tense - I think he was afraid of forgetting the words. The choruses seemed kind of blah to me, not the Steven Tyler rendition I know and love. I'm not sure who was more relieved when he finished, me or him.

Neal - Summer of '69
His singing was OFF. He was so into pretend playing his guitar that he missed the melody completely. What a cocky asshole - for all the looks and style he can't carry a tune in a bucket.

Heather - It's Only Rock 'n Roll
I like that she doesn't appear to be trying too hard and taking on a persona that isn't her. Scott thinks she lacks charisma, but I just think she needs to practice her clothing removal as that ripping off of the shirt was not hot (strip clubs in Sudbury come to mind).

JD - Hand In My Pocket
See, I totally hated this dude the first night, but seeing that he's from New Glasgow, um, I mean OAKVILLE (wtf - again!) I have to give him a shot. I wonder if he got tired holding his arm in the air for the entire song. Weirdo. INXS lurves him big time and he totally kissed their asses with the "I am a true fan, they are not" bullshit comment. That did not go over well with the other singers.

Tara - Paranoid
I think she did awesome on this song and it's a hard song because it starts at 100% and just stays there, so you have maintain that energy throughout. Also, she looked badass with those red fingerless gloves. I'm glad the band dug it because she got a raw deal last week. For some reason I don't think she's connecting with the audience though.

Deanna - The One I Love
For all the bitching and moaning she did about getting stuck with this song I think she managed okay. I wasn't a huge fan of the interpretation and I thought it was forced. Apparently the band agreed with me.


Jordis - The Reason
I'm with Dave Navarro on this one - I have never liked that song. Still don't. Jordis is super cute though and the band loves her. She sounded kind of week in the verses though, but they called that "versatile". Um. Okay?

Jessica - Purple Haze
She reminds me of the trashy hoochie dancers that come out half way through James Brown's concerts when he gets too tired to boogie and needs some eye candy. Scott said "the early 90's called and they want their ripped jeans back". He was also commented that if Cher ever covered Purple Haze, that is exactly what it would sound like. Ouch. The band didn't like it either, which impresses me, because she dresses like a slut and I thought they we be distracted.

Brandon - Sweet Home Alabama
Too fast! And Bo Bice did it better. I just don't get any kind of a special vibe off this guy. But he did play guitar, which was pretty decent.

The Cut:
INXS started by giving props to Suzie, Mig and JD. I understand JD, but not the others.

The bottom three were Tara, Jessica and Neal. Not a huge surprise really. They had to sing their INXS songs to try to save face.

Neal - Suicide Blonde
This guy couldn't sing a melody if it walked up one side of him and down the other.

Tara - Mystify
Bad girl key (shocker!). Really a so-so cover, but better than Neal.

Jessica - Don't Change
Another bad girl key and a lame rendition. But the band sounded good...

So, they shit canned Neal, absolutely the right choice. I predict the women will start to fall next week.

Rockstar INXS: A lesson on why bands hate singers.

I'm trying a new experiment this week - blogging realtime while I watch Rockstar INXS. Yes, I know this makes me a geek, but I'm okay with that. And Scott thinks it's HOTT (and that's all I really care about).

On with it:

I love how they toasted Will like he was dead. Also, JD is from Oakville, why the hell are they listing him as from "New Glasgow"? And Suzie is from Mississauga, not Toronto - nice try!

Random jamming ensues when the band gives all the singers new guitars. Interesting that only Suzie and Heather bothered to pick them up - are they the only women that can play? Damn. What a waste of guitars - why not just hand out tambourines and buy Brooke more bikinis with the extra cash? (Edited to add that of COURSE Deanna plays guitar - Canada represent!)

Dave Navarro looks like he is channeling Prince with the white feather boa and white pants. And he is teaching style - at least he knows he looks like a jackass. Next, rockify the singers. When the fuck are these guys going to SING? Also, Suzie = not sexy.

I'm not sure what I think about them picking 14 songs and making the singers split them up. I guess that inevitably a singer is going to have to perform something they don't like, but I think that these guys should be able to pick songs that are going to make them look good.

Rehearsals:
JD - this is why musicians hate singers (wack wack wack!! is not how you describe a drum kick).

MIG - if "Walk this Way" is one of his favourite rock songs - how does he not know the words already?

Tara - I'm not sure if the sunglasses are going to help her rock out, but I want her to do well.

Deanna - more sunglasses...not helping. Bad key on "One I love"! (See - when you have to butcher the melody to make it work, that means it isn't working). Deanna is turning into a cow with the whole "I don't feel it" bit. Get over it.

And...I guess that's it. Some costumes, free guitars, and 4 rehearsals that were a prime example of why bands hate singers. Hopefully tomorrow's show will be better than this or else I'm just going to start skipping Monday nights.

Don't touch that squirrel's nuts.

Seeing as I spent the majority of today recovering from last night's festivities and randomly recalling funny things that happened/were said (Adam - you,me,lunch Fridays,book it!), it makes sense that I'm wound up like the energizer bunny, with sleep only something I will desire more of when I wake up tomorrow, running significantly short on it. Adam took many pictures and was kind enough to post them on his site. He's not in any of them - how did that happen?

So, the festivities...my friends Adam, Karem, Irving and Alana came over for a potluck bbq yesterday and we drank, and we ate, and we drank some more. The menu was truly fabulous:

Scott's famous margaritas
Jalapeno Havarti and Salmon Mouse
Flatbreads and dip
Kabobs & Garlic Shrimp
Grilled asparagus, zucchini, pineapple
Homemade potato salad
Tiramisu (with seven year old rum!)

Scott delivered big time with his margaritas and grilling expertise. His timing was impeccable as the first rain in 2 weeks came pouring down just as he finished grilling the pineapple (who knew it would be so yummy?). It was a fun evening and a good mix of people (I love it when a plan comes together). The six empty bottles of wine in my recycling bin might explain why my head was pounding this morning (I figure I was lucky that I managed to get myself into bed). The fact that pretty much every dish in my house was dirty also attests to the excellent food that was shared. I think that Karem and Irving are next to host, and once Lulu is moved into her new place, we'll pressure her into having us over to her fancy new abode for a party.

Since Scott and I were hosting yesterday we weren't able to go to Raye's goodbye picnic, but we did make plans to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with her tonight. Raye has seen just about every movie out there, and she was the perfect person to see it with. I felt like a little kid, who is old enough to get all the inside jokes. I'm not sure what the best part was, but I did like the squirrels, puppet burn unit and Oompa-Loompa musical sequences. I trust Raye will provide a review that will do it justice, I just like the nut jokes.

When it's bad it ain't bad enough.

I hate the lack of quality television in the summer. Remember how 2 summers ago the O.C. started up? What's going on this summer? Big Brother, the embarrassment of Canadian Idol and some shitty celebratory dance show do not cut it - I need more to give me a valid reason to plunk my ass down on the couch for an evening of sedentary entertainment. As an alternative I have been forced to get my butt to the gym. Unfortunate really, as I much prefer sitting and drinking in the comfort of my living room. Alas, Rockstar INXS has come to save me. Thank you INXS. Also, thank you for your "Kick" album which I still love to this day (even though I bought it back in grade 7 to listen to on the bus ride to Quebec City). I stumbled upon this show on Monday night and I was pleasantly surprised that while all of the contestants are trying to look and act like rock stars, the cheese/obnoxious factor did not make me turn off the tv before giving it a real chance. And oh do they rock and oh do they pose and oh do they sing. Seriously, most of these guys and gals can actually sing, and sing well. What a thrill!

Scott and I were chatting about the show last night and he thinks that it is a total marketing scam that they even have women on the show because there is no way INXS would have a female singer. I don't think it is a huge risk, because really, the strongest rock singers are Ty and Neal. I think they had to include women so that Dave Navarro would be a guest judge and for a little eye candy (I wonder what Carmen thinks of Brooke Burke getting the hosting gig?). I don't have ratings on each individual singer yet because I wasn't anticipating I would like the show so much. But next week, just wait. Next week I will give you the low down on what's what, but I can tell you it was no damn loss that Dana got turfed. More later on the hot hot heat, Captain Bitch Face (aka "the mad pisser"), and my new found motivation to get my ass in shape.

I got my driver's license 14 years ago today.

Lock your doors folks, Karla Homolka is finally a free woman. And as much as she says she will “never forgive herself” for what she has done, somehow that rings a little hollow to me. I’m glad that she has chosen to live in Quebec and not Ontario, though it does creep me out to think that when she does eventually return home to St. Catharines to visit her family, she’ll be driving pretty much right by my house on the QEW. I think she is exactly right to fear for her life, but it doesn’t break my heart because really, maybe it is appropriate that she should understand just an iota of a fraction of what her victims felt. I think she will be a magnet for fucked up people with the potential for violence and I also think she is attracted to these very people which is just a recipe for disaster. But maybe this is a “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” type of situation. We all know we need to cross the street if we see her coming, it’s the ones that you can’t pick out…

Happy Canada Day.

Things are looking up from computer land. Scott's old computer is getting wiped clean and a new O/S is getting installed - and - I should have it set up tonight. Thank gawd as having to share with him has been tough - hence the lack of blogging. That's my excuse anyway! Not much going on from Katland, just that it has been f'n hot out and I have been hiding my fair skin inside, all the while attempting to convince Scott to turn the A/C up, just 1 stinkin' degree. I could insert a "he's so cheap he must be Scottish joke in here, but I don't know any". I finally just did it and he didn't seem to notice.

This pic is of the lovely Hanna. Isn't she just the CUTEST thing? Speaking of babies, our friends Jen and Brad are coming over tonight and Jen is preggers - due sometime in December (mid to late?). I asked Brad what Jen's due date was the other day and he said "I dunno..." and then I asked him if he was planning to take some vacation and he said "I hadn't thought about it yet...". So, clearly he is still working on getting his head around this baby, or he is just trying to act cool for me and Scott. Hah. I guess he still has 5 months to sort it out! Tomorrow we are heading out to Aurora to see our friends Shane and Steph and their baby Charlotte. They are reclaiming their social life, though I think they have done a damn good job of it already - they are out and about a lot with their little girl. So, here we go with Babypalooza 2005.

Tap, tap, is this thing on?

My 7.5 year old computer is on its last legs. I can't get mad about this as it really has put in its time, but it is a bit annoying to have to share (gasp!) Scott's computer with him. Good thing he is planning on getting a new computer soon so I can inherit his. That's how things work in our house, Scott gets something shiny and new, and I inherit his leftovers. It's kind of like being the second born I guess?

I've had a few thoughts about things I would blog about promptly, if my computer were not moaning and whirring and sounding like it may just combust on the spot. There has been some shit going on lately, so here is my take on the last week:

1. Michael Jackson verdict - this guy is seriously, seriously damaged goods. I don't know know if he actually molested that kid, but certainly his definition of appropriate behaviour is not normal. I'm thinking that not everything he has done is above board, that the mom of this kid is an opportunist, and that moving forward, MJ should probably stay away from kids. Kudos for Commie Haberdasher for calling it though - she said America would never put Michael in jail and she was right.

2. Tom and Katie - so, uh, do you think the whole getting engaged thing coinciding with the release of the new Batman movie was a coincidence? Doesn't he look like her dad? When I hear things like the movie industry is in a total slump, down something like 12 weeks in a row from last year's ticket sales, it makes me think that not only are these 2 putting on a show to boost their own careers, the studios are also creating these couples to boost box office sales. Fucking gross. Gross!! And I love that nobody is buying it, not even for a minute. And it just makes them force it more and try harder. In case anyone was wondering about how they are both popping up all over the place on magazine covers...these covers are planned/shot months and months in advance. If you think this hasn't been in the works since before Christmas you are sadly mistaken. Even sadder, Katie wasn't even his first choice. Reports have it that Jessica Alba and Kate Bosworth were the #1 and #2 choices for Tom (offers went out to date/marry the guy) and they turned it down. Think about it - all of these ladies are young, beautiful, have big movies coming out. A match made in heaven. Wrong on so many levels...what people won't do to be famous, eh?

Suck My Left One.

Summer babe related difficulties continue...there is something about sitting on the deck, drinking Scott's famous margarita's with friends that just saps the blogging inspiration right out of me. It isn't that there haven't been any "I'm so blogging this" type of moments, because there have, but the thoughts are fleeting and by the time I actually sit down at my computer, I'm all, what was I going to blog about again? But not to disappoint, I do have an update on my kitties for you.

Date/Time: Saturday - 10:30AM
Scene: Scott, me, Samba at our vet's office
Reason: Samba has this bald patch on her right hind leg and I have managed to convince myself that she must have feline leukemia or some other horrible condition.
Results: $56.00 later we learned that Samba is just really stressed out and she is coping with her stress by licking her back leg obsessively - so much that there is no more hair left. She has also done this to the inner part of both her front legs. We were given the choice of some cream that tastes bad to deter her from licking herself in the affected areas, kitty Paxil to help her chill out, or we could remove the stressor.

What is the stressor you ask?
Bossa. Bossa is the stressor. Our big fat bitch of a cat tries to catch and/or kill Samba on a daily basis. Apparently, this stresses Samba out. Go figure.

Solution:
Date/Time: Saturday - 1:30pm
Scene: Scott and me in the baby department of Sears
Reason: We have decided to the best way to remove the stressor from Samba's life (Bossa chasing her) is to have a baby so that Bossa will be distracted by the screaming antics of a 1 month old. Just kidding. That would be a bad reason to have a baby. We have decided to purchase a baby gate (on sale for $29) to put at the top of our stairs to keep Bossa off the 2nd floor of our house so Samba can live in peace. I installed the baby gate when we got home. So, we'll see if Samba (who is cute, but not that smart) figures out that she doesn't have to fear that at any moment she will be chased under the bed and cornered at random. Also interesting will be how long it takes Bossa to retaliate by pooping in our entry way as per her typical method of self-expression.

Total cost: $85
Samba's mental health: Priceless