sunday at the park.

mental health monday: saturday in the park with cam.

This past weekend, Cam and I went out to Kitchener to visit my dear friend Alana. Besides wanting to check out her new crib down by the lake, I was also going for my first ukulele lesson. Fun, right? It's hard to be sad while strumming the ukulele (more on that later). I dare say, if you aren't smiling, you're doing it wrong. After my lesson, we had lunch at the Boathouse and then took Cam to the water park so I could test out the new polarizing filter I got for my Nikon D3100 ages ago and hadn't even taken it out of it's case yet (shame, shame). Here are the unedited results. I hope they make you smile as much as I did! The tune playing in the background is Emily Remler playing "Strollin'" by Horace Silver.

please stop growing.

Kid needs a haircut. He is staring into the camera lens for his Aunt Jenny. Note, when my camera comes out, he runs for the hills. I guess she gets special Aunt Photo Op Privileges (aka "Ap-Op"). Either that or he was trying to glamour her.

Cameron has taken on my love of colouring full stop. She is also quite particular about the sharpness of her pencil crayons, just like me. Which is kind of a pain in the ass when I am trying to colour and she is demanding that I sharpen her pencil crayons. Clearly, I need to teach her how to sharpen them herself.

autism bumper cars.

When the going gets tough, I get quiet. This I know for sure. It has been a roller coaster of a month, filled with a lot of fun stuff and a lot of stress (much of it self-imposed). We celebrated Birthdaypalooza with our friends and had a great turn out, beautiful weather and happy kids. After eleven years of faithful service, we sold our Camry and bought a Ford Escape. The upgrade in size is so we'll have room for Max's service dog which will be joining our family in November. I've never had a brand new car and I have to say, I'm loving it.

I've been trying to quiet my brain. There are so many thoughts bouncing around in my head, they create a wall between what is important, and the bullshit minutia of life. I have drastically reduced the medication I take for depression, giving my body a chance to adjust and for me to accurately assess what it is I truly need. The hard part is managing my anxiety, which has increased. But as summer gets closer and the sunlight increases I find my mood lifting. I remind myself that whatever it is that is causing my heart to beat out of my chest is only a moment in time, will pass, and that on my death bed, I won't be worrying about whether or not I filed my taxes on time for 2011 (which I did not).

I had lunch with my friend Christina on Friday. She's got a huge heart, is wicked smart, polished and stylish in a way I'll never be, and she also has a son who was recently diagnosed with autism. As we talked, I told her about some of the ideas I have been having about what I want to do creatively and professionally, because I wanted to hear her thoughts, get her feedback. Am I nuts? On the right track? Can I do this? Should I do this? What I want to do is help families in the early stages of autism, to help them keep their heads above water when their lives are turned upside down. I want to do important work that truly makes a difference and to use my experience for something positive. I'm not exactly sure how this will take shape or what form it will be in, but I finally feel like I'm on the right track.

step aboard the autism dragon boat ride.

Lately, when I'm asked "How are things going", I'm really not sure where to start. Me? Well, I'm still fighting the good fight, whatever that means and for whatever it's worth. Max? He is experiencing incredible progress in a lot of areas, but also regressing back into some behaviours that are both physically and emotionally exhausting to deal with. The typical two steps forward, one step back of autism. I was telling one of Max's  therapists that it felt like we were living on one of those big theme park dragon boat rides that swings from one side to the other, so high that it looks like the occupants might fall out when it reaches the summit but they are thrown back into their seats as the boat swings back down. The only thing I can figure is that with all of the new skills settling into Max's brain, it's causing him to need to balance things out by bringing back some of his tried and true (and irritating) coping mechanisms. So, let's start with the progress.

The good stuff is awesome. Max is surprising us almost daily. This past weekend, he found that train puzzle, which we haven't played with since November. He brought it upstairs from the basement and put it on the kitchen table. I told him the puzzle was too big to do on the table and he should do it in the hallway. He remember that the last time he did the puzzle, he did it upstairs, so that's where he went. I came up to check on him a few minutes later and he had completed it entirely on his own. Then he took it apart and put it back in the box. Also, he loves wearing hats now. We haven't been able to keep a hat on his head since the day he was born.

He and Cameron are continuing to develop a strong (and typical) sibling relationship. Last weekend they were playing tag, chasing each other through the house and giggling up a storm. If one is colouring the other wants to join in, and best of all, when I don't understand what Max wants, Cameron usually does. Last week when she was taking a bath, she asked for her "special soap from Grandma" (a heart shape soap). I had no idea that Max even knew what she was referring to, let alone what it looked like. He picked it up off the counter and tossed it in the bath for her.

Other progress? When asked what colour something is, Max is now responding with more than one colour (the dominant colour and secondary colour). He is being more specific when he wants something (like telling me "My turn, DVD all done" when he wanted me to turn a movie off so he could watch Elmo). He is also greeting more and more people unprompted and making killer eye contact. Also, he lost his first baby tooth (right on schedule!). We don't hit a lot of milestones on time, so we'll take 'em where we can get 'em.

These wins are what I cling to on nights where he screams every time Cameron coughs, slams the fridge door after every time someone opens it, whines non-stop and shouts out his favourite stim, "Mommy! What Max? Mommy! What Max?". Toileting is still hit and miss, and lately, he has been staying up until all hours of the night. So, how are things going? Depends which side of the boat you're on. I think the positive developments win out, but I wouldn't mind a break from the extreme swings. I'm more of a ferris wheel kind of girl.

when your child with autism blows your mind.

Cameron and I spend a fair amount of time colouring together. Max has never really been interested in joining us. This past week I picked up a set of coloured pencils and a fun colouring book in hopes that colouring would help me relax in the same manner painting does, but with a faster set up and clean up. Max and Cameron have found this somewhat curious. Why is mom colouring? Cam seemed to accept that I had special pencils just for me, and liked that there was more colouring happening overall. I picked up a Toy Story colouring book for Max and put it out for him, hoping to lure him in with familiar characters.

On Monday (a holiday in most of Canada), Max decided – without prompting – to sit down and start colouring. He focussed on colouring objects (not just random scribbling), and he stayed for 30 minutes. These moments when Max seeks out spending time with his family are never taken for granted and are always cherished. Seeing him transfer skills he has learned at school and at the clinic where he receives therapy into his day-to-day life increases our resolve to do everything we can to help Max continue to progress.

On Wednesdays, Max has his therapy at home. When I came downstairs at the end of his session, he was playing "Swinging Monkey" with his therapist. The last time we played that game was almost 2 years ago. I put it away because Max was more interested in throwing the monkeys than playing the game. Yesterday he was not only playing the game, he had worked out a strategy to get the monkeys into the tree. He didn't appreciate me trying to take his picture because I was messing up his flow. I fall more in love with this boy every day.

a christmas lesson from cam.

Christmas is a strange time of year for me. I am tempted to completely overdo it, but I'm also stressed out because there is just so much to do. And I want it to be perfect, but I know it can't be. Most of all, I want my kids to grow up feeling like Christmas is a fun and relaxing holiday where everyone is happy (damn it!).

Part of my picture of a perfect (and fun and relaxing) Christmas, is the kids having Christmas sheets for their beds. Specifically, flannel Christmas sheets. I have no idea where this came from (or exactly what is fun for kids about sheets?). I certainly never had Christmas sheets, and I turned out relatively okay. Plus, I doubt holly covered sheets would have helped the current demons I'm battling (that's a question for my next appointment).

Anyway, when I was finishing up my shopping last weekend, I passed by the sheet aisle and there they were - calling to me. I picked up a set of twin sheets for Cam's bed and put them in the cart. I wasn't going to buy a set for Max's bed, figuring he wouldn't get it, and wouldn't care either way. Mother guilt kicked in, and I picked out a set for his bed and put them in the cart. For a second I thought to myself that the last thing I need is for Max to look at me when he's in his 20's and say "I will never forget how you didn't buy me Christmas sheets - you are a terrible mother!".

I got home, washed the sheets, and made their beds up. Within an hour, Max had a potty training accident on his bed. The Christmas sheets were no longer full of joy and fun, but were covered in something entirely different. So much for that. I stripped the sheets, remade the bed and salvaged the pillow cases, the irony of it all not escaping me. At bedtime, I asked Cam if she was excited to sleep in her special Christmas bed, and she told me "I want to sleep with Max". Typical.

Later that evening, I went in to tuck them in and found them wrapped up like baby burritos. And while the Christmas sheets were still in the wash, the pillowcases had survived. Not quite what I had in mind, but Christmas isn't always about the intended results. Cam showed me that by relaxing and letting the "fun" win out, that's where the happy memories come from.

max's first trip to the movies.

Max received his diagnosis of autism 3 years ago. He has had non-stop therapy ever since, and his progress has been incredible (but not a miracle – just a lot of hard work). Even so, we still underestimate him. Last week, my friend Tracy and I were discussing taking her kids and Cam to see the new Muppets movie and she asked "Can Max come?". My brain was quick to say "No, he isn't ready". Instead I said "Let me talk with his therapists and Sarah (Max's respite worker) and see what they think".

Sarah was all for it, and Max's therapists had practice movie sessions with Max – with popcorn and everything – to help prepare him for the dark room, high volume and sitting in a chair. On the day of the movie, I bought the tickets online and Cam and I left early to make sure we could get good seats and to buy popcorn. Sarah planned to arrive with Max after the previews. I was a nervous wreck. Sarah and I had decided before the movie that no matter what happened we would view it as a success and a stepping stone. If he didn't like it and wanted to leave right away, then that would be okay. Of course, I was really hoping he'd love it.

As the previews rolled, my stomach was in knots, until I saw Max and Sarah enter the theatre. I was so proud of him as he made his way up the stairs and sat down next to me. His eyes were as big as saucers and he immediately found his popcorn and turned to watch the movie. I didn't watch much of the movie myself, I was too busy watching Max watch the movie. At some point, Cam told me she wanted to sit next to her brother, so we switched seats. Max didn't even mind when she started reaching over to his seat and touching his arm.

Right before the credits rolled, Max turned to Sarah and said "I want to go to the car". I love that he requested to leave so nicely and that he knew that he could ask to go when he had had enough. He watched the movie for over 100 minutes! As we left the theatre I started to cry (tears of joy!). We have all worked so very hard with Max, it is wonderful to see that when we prepare him and set him up for success, he can enjoy the same things other kids enjoy, which is really all I've ever wanted.

batgirl to the rescue.

One of the things I really looked forward to before I had kids was getting to celebrate the holidays with them. Because my first child has autism, "celebrating" has always been somewhat augmented to meet Max's needs. We still celebrated, but Max didn't get excited about Christmas or Halloween or the Easter Bunny. He still received gifts, was dressed up in costumes and had a chocolate bunny to munch on, but it really felt like we were going through the motions and doing it for the sake of doing it. I'm glad we celebrated and helped Max experience it in his own way, but I had no idea how excited kids could/should/would get over simple things like carving a pumpkin.

Now that Cameron is 3.5 years old, she gets really excited about holidays. In early September she informed me that she was going to be Batgirl and Max would be her "side kicker" Robin for Halloween. I waited a few weeks and asked her again to make sure she hadn't changed her mind, and she stuck to her guns. I went ahead and ordered the costumes. October rolled around, and suddenly every grocery store in our area was exploding with pumpkins. Cameron wanted to know when we would get our pumpkin and how would we carve it and do we put candy in the pumpkin? She could hardly contain herself. The day before Halloween I finally bought a pumpkin and Cam and I set to work on carving it.

I thought she would be willing to reach into the pumpkin and pull out the guts for me, but she wanted no part of it. She was more of a cheering section than anything else. And after months of feeling so depressed I could barely haul myself out of bed, I felt a glimmer of joy. When I finished carving the pumpkin, we tested it out with a candle and she was SO HAPPY. It was contagious. I found myself looking forward to taking her out trick or treating, to witnessing her pure joy in something as simple as an amazing Halloween display, and getting candy just for knocking on a door and saying "trick or treat" (actually, that is kind of cool). On the big day, Max was sick, so her side kicker Robin would have to live to see another day. Regardless, I think I had almost as much fun as Cam did. The day after, I tried to hold onto some of that joy, grasping at anything that could propel me forward. Depression is an uphill battle, with the weather and my body conspiring against me. But I find myself feeling like I can muster up enough energy to at least try, which is more than I can say for how I was functioning last month. So, thank you Batgirl, for saving the day. Let's do it again at Christmas.

kids have no respect for depression.

I was reading Allie Brosh's blog, "Hyperbole and a Half" today and surprise, surprise -- she also suffers from depression. I identified with everything she said. I remember how before I had kids, I too could sink into months and months of never-ending sadness. Before kids, I could just say "Screw it" and indulge in all the depression my little heart desired. But now that I have kids, I don't get to let myself hit rock bottom anymore. See, my kids, they have no damn respect for depression. Ingrates. With these little tikes depending on me, I don't get to wallow and I don't get to stay in bed all day. I think the only thing they might tolerate is if I didn't bathe, but even I have a two day limit before I fold and take a shower. Today, instead of laying on the couch and buying them $50 worth of iPad apps to keep them quiet while I watched all of the episodes of Criminal Minds I have recorded, I decided to shed my Zombie Mommy costume and take them to the park. I even brought my camera to document it (you know, proof). They had a good time. I got some fresh air (a good thing, no?). We all got worn out. Good thing some of my photos turned out.

when your sibling has autism.

My daughter Cameron was born the same year that my son Max was diagnosed with autism. For her entire life she has been trucked around to parent training classes, specialist appointments, and therapy sessions, all because of her older brother. But she doesn't know any different – to her this is the norm.

She has learned that to make sure her needs are met, she has to speak up for herself and be demanding. Whether it's nature or nurture, she has been blessed with a personality that ensures she will never go ignored. Before we had Cameron, I had no idea what raising a "normal" kid was like. When she just knew how to play with toys instead of throwing them, and she waved goodbye unprompted, I figured I had a wee Einstein in my midst. She made strange with people she didn't know, called me "mama" by one year of age and grew attached to specific toys. Cameron showed me that Max wasn't unable to do certain things because I was a terrible mother. He couldn't do certain things because he just wasn't wired to do them.

This little girl is also one of the most loving and resilient souls I have ever encountered. Having a sibling with autism is hard. He doesn't know how to play like the other kids. He cries when she gets upset and can be rough and aggressive seemingly out of nowhere. But Max has also grown quite attached to Cameron. She often sleeps in his bed with him, loves to take bathes with him, and affectionately calls him "Buddy". When she doesn't want to play outside with him he gets really sad and calls out "Cammie! Cammie!" until she joins him. She often understands what he is saying while the rest of us are left scratching our heads. Best of all, she forces him to be social every waking moment so that even when he isn't at school or in therapy he has a pesky little sister nipping at his heels.

We do our best to make sure that Cameron gets her own share of special treatment. I often take her out with me, just the two of us. She is also a night owl (I suspect this is partly due to taking after her father and partly to get one on one time with us). And while it's less than ideal, most of the time she still sleeps with us. I figure that one day she'll be a sullen teenager that won't want to be seen with me and I'll think back fondly to when she used to take up the majority of our bed by sleeping sideways. Or maybe not. But my point, is that because she puts up with a lot, we are likely more flexible than we would be otherwise.

I'd say she is a bit spoiled, except for the fact that she has to deal with things that most kids don't. She accepts Max for all of his eccentricities, doesn't hold a grudge when he pulls out a handful of her hair (not for long anyway), and my happiest moments as a parent are when I see her and Max playing together. It will be interesting to see how their relationship develops as they get older. Next year Cameron will go to the same school as Max and I'm glad we'll have one of our own keeping an eye out for him.

She may be small, but she is mighty.

traveling with kids: how RODO makes it bearable.

Traveling with your children can go one of two ways: It can be an incredibly fulfilling experience for all, or it can be a special kind of hell. When planning trips, we all shoot for the moon where everyone is all smiles and gets along famously. The possibilities are endless, and we’re almost as excited as our kids counting down the days until the trip.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

fast, easy and cute DIY halloween costumes.

With Halloween coming up before you can say “Trick or Treat”, it’s time to start planning out your costume. You don’t have to spend a lot of money to make the perfect costume either! Check out these creative do-it-yourself costumes for inspiration.

...Read more on iVillage.ca

flying with a 3-year-old for the first time.

We are all familiar with the feeling of gravity pushing you back into your seat as the plane accelerates, the front wheels lift up off the ground and the nose points skyward. But experiencing this for the first time with my three-year-old daughter reminded me that flying in a plane is not something to be taken for granted. The look of pure glee on her face as we flew higher and higher into the sky is what having kids is all about. These moments when we are transported back to our own childhoods when we too found joy and delight in life's miracles are gifts. Getting to fly! In the sky! It is indeed awesome.

...Read more on TravelingMom.com

the isolation of autism: letting your friends in.

Over the past three years, Scott and I have not made much effort to be social. I dare say we have done the opposite - doing our best to keep to ourselves. Part of it was because going out with Max was (and still is) a lot of work. It can also be hard to see Max through other people's eyes. Explaining why he behaves the way he does, the ins and outs of autism, is exhausting. So we turtled, only letting a select few into our world.

These past few months, we've started to turn our ship around. We are attempting to get out more (sometimes just with Cammie, so she can get a taste of birthday parties and the like). I have slowly been extending invitations to friends to come over to our house to visit. We're lucky that our friends have been so patient and understanding of our situation. I know that every one of them really wants to help, but is at a loss as to what they can do.

Our friends Jeff and Korrie came over for dinner yesterday with their son Jared. It was so wonderful getting to spend time with them again. Best of all, they made a real effort to interact with Max, and Max responded (especially to his honorary Uncle Jeff). Seeing how much fun they all had, it makes me wish we had let them in sooner. Friends are where it's at.

max update.

With school starting on Tuesday (yay!!), I've been reflecting on how much progress Max has had over the summer. He has a lot more language, he is following instructions more consistently, and best of all, he has developed a really strong relationship with his little sister Cameron. Granted, I'm a little nervous about how the first day of senior kindergarten will go. Big transitions are always tough, but hopefully Max will be happy to see his favourite EA Mrs.W and pick up where they left off in in June. The good news is that Max is in a JK/SK split, so he will be in the same room and have the same teachers as last year. A lot of the kids will also be the familiar, so we're crossing our fingers that his Fall goes more smoothly than his initial entrance into JK last year.

One of the things that has brought both Scott and me a lot of joy this past month is observing how well Max and Cameron have been getting along. At least once a day we find them giggling up a storm together (usually jumping on a bed or a couch). Of course, Max is still a stinky older brother and he enjoys teasing Cam (I never thought I'd hear her say "Max is touching me! Make him stop!"). Max thinks poking Cam is tremendously funny and has an impish grin on his face when he does so. Teasing strikes me as a very subtle action, and as much as Cam finds it annoying, I think it's awesome.

We have also been working on Max's receptive language, which is much stronger than any of us suspected. I'm finding that if I give him an instruction, and then wait for a few seconds, giving him a chance to process what I've asked, he usually follows through and completes my request. (It's easy to be impatient and repeat yourself before giving him a chance to do what you've asked.) What happens when you repeat yourself is that he has to start processing what you have said again, which starts a vicious circle of both of us getting frustrated. As always, patience gets you everywhere.

Yesterday, I asked Max to carry his new backpack to the car. He picked it up and started dragging it along the sidewalk. I corrected him and told him to "pick it up" and much to my surprise, he looked at me, and then picked it up and carried it properly. We got to the car and I asked him to put it in the car, and he did so. He will also clear his plate and fork from the table and bring me maple syrup from the fridge for his pancakes. Did I mention he can also dress himself completely? This little boy has come so far in a few short months - I am excited to see what sort of progress he will have this school year!

max update: 2 steps forward.

Something that I have learned on this journey with Max is that progress comes at the most unexpected times. Sometimes it is so small that you almost miss it, so it's important to be observant and appreciative of these little moments of heaven on earth. Yesterday afternoon, Max adamantly informed me "I want a scone!". Of course, we had none, so I replied "Okay, let's go to the store. Get your shoes on". My usual method of wrangling Max and Cam is to put them in our wagon and pull them, but my shoulder has been super sore so this wan't an option. I told them "You both have to hold my hands, okay?. I waited for the objections, but there were none. We headed over to the local bakery (a 5 minute walk), me with one kid on each arm. This would not have happened a month ago.

There was no objecting, flopping, or trying to bolt. When we got to the bakery both kids waited calmly for me to buy their scones. I decided to push my luck and drop into the grocery store for some milk. They were fine with that. I started to wonder whose kids these were and where had my kids gone? We walked home and I breathed a huge sigh of relief and gave the kids big ups for doing such a great job and cooperating. They acted like it was no big thing and went out back to play. Cam quickly got bored and decided she wanted to come in. At this point, Max got really upset and I asked Cam "Why is Max so sad?" to which she replied "He wants me to stay outside and play with him". I said "Then get back out there and play!". Usually Max prefers to be by himself in the backyard, so this was HUGE. He actually wanted Cam to stay outside so that he could interact with her.

In all of the hustle and bustle of everyday life, it is so easy to lose sight of progress as it inches along. Sometimes a close up view of the big picture is just what we need.

autistic kids have 20% chance of younger autistic siblings.

photo credit: Anita Zvonar

As a parent of one child with autism, I have long suspected that the rate of autism in younger siblings of children on the autistic spectrum was higher than the published reports of between 1 in 10 and 1 in 30. The journal Pediatrics has released updated findings from the largest sibling study of its kind which supports my suspicions. Unsurprisingly, the results show that in families with a child on the spectrum, there was a 1 in 5 chance that a younger sibling would develop autism as well. The rate was higher when the younger sibling was male (1 in 4) and lower when the younger sibling was a female (1 in 9).

...Read more on iVillage.ca

wordless wednesday: good thing she's cute.

moments of sticky gratitude.

There are many things to complain about right now. Money, health, stress, the heat (oh my dog, the heat), and that's only scratching the service. But for some reason, as I sit here (sweating and trying not to get annoyed by the fly zooming around my head), I feel overwhelmed with gratitude.

We are so blessed, my little family of four. We have a huge support system of people who love of us, who will do whatever it takes to help us succeed. Through thick and thin, our family and friends are here for us from coast to coast, rallying with us day in and day out. Our house may not be big, or fancy (and it is most certainly a mess), but it is our home, the place we find solace at the end of the day. More than that, we have "enough". There may be things we would like to have but can't afford, but the things we truly need, we have.

So, thank you to the universe, for hearing me when I said "I want to make a change, I want to do something different" and helping me make it happen so quickly! And thank you universe for watching over us and making every day an adventure. I am truly grateful. Now, excuse me while I go take a shower to cool off...