what women need to know about lisa gibson and post-partum depression.

This past week, news of two young children dying in their Winnipeg home and the subsequent disappearance of their mother, Lisa Gibson, left many wondering what terrible thing had happened to lead to such a sad end to two innocent lives.

Even more of a mystery -- what happened to their mother?

...Read more on iVillage.ca

iVillage Canada Special Needs Parenting Google Hangout.

As part of the Special Needs Parenting Panel on iVillage Canada, I was asked to join Ijeoma Ross and Lisa Thornbury to discuss the challenges and joys of raising a child with special needs. From the practical (juggling medication and therapy schedules) to the emotional (making time for everyone else), we discussed what it's like to live with our special kids (and had a few laughs).

iVillage Canada Special Needs Parenting Panel.

This week I am participating on a Special Needs Parenting panel on iVillage Canada. Parenting and pregnancy author Ann Douglas is heading up the panel, along with blogger Lisa Thornbury, journalist Ijoema Ross, and myself as we share the joys, sorrows and essential advice on raising special kids. I hope you'll check it out.


...Read more on iVillage Canada

in other news, i despise winter.

I hate winter. Really, I look forward to a time in my life when I can up and leave Canada from December to March. This particular winter has been a doozy, with me getting a nasty chest infection, followed by spending January in bed due to C. difficile. Yeah, gross. But, in between all that nastiness, some good stuff happened.

My friend Alana got married, and I was her maid-of-honour:

My mom came for Christmas, and she and my little brother made a kick-ass Christmas dinner.

We got a new couch. The kids like it.

Chester, Max's Autism Service Dog, settled right in.

We participated in a documentary about working dogs that will be airing next month.

Scott and I got away for a night without the kids for the first time in four years. We had fun.

Cammie and I went on a visit to visit Jennifer and baby Milo in Ottawa.
So long Winter. You won't be missed.

beachbody ultimate reset: final results!

We have completed the BeachBody Ultimate Reset! It wasn't always easy, but we did it and wow do we ever have awesome results to prove how hard we worked! I lost 16 pounds and 15 inches total - 3 off of my waist and 6 off of my hips. Tracy lost 8 pounds and 15 inches total - 2 off of her waist and 3 off of her hips. The thing that I loved the most was that throughout the 21 days, I felt very calm and centred. I didn't have to take medication for my anxiety once, which blows my mind. The depression that has been plaguing me for the last 18 months has also lifted significantly. My skin has cleared up, my PMS symptoms were non-existent and my energy was through the roof. And by through the roof I mean, I repainted my dining room, refinished my dining room cabinets and table, and cleaned out my entire garage so that I can put my new Ford Escape in there this winter. I'm not kidding, it was bananas.

My before & after photos:

What's next for us? Tracy is ready to start P90X and Shakeology next week. I am also starting Shakeology again and will be starting P90X2 at the end of the month once I get back from visiting my folks in BC. Until then I will be mixing up some hot yoga and Insanity to get me back in the swing of things. Would I recommend the Ultimate Reset to everyone I know? Absolutely! And if you want to do it, let me know because I just became a BeachBody coach, so if you order your BeachBody products through me you are also helping contribute to my son Max's autism therapy!

Tracy's before and after photos:

beachbody ultimate reset: week 2 results

We just completed week 2 of our Beachbody Ultimate Reset! So far I am down 12 pounds and I am really noticing the changes in my body. Tracy is down 5 pounds and looking awesome. I didn't mind the detox drink as much as Tracy did, and I am finally getting used to the alkalinize drink. My skin is glowing, my hair is shiny, and my energy is fairly high. Sleep is still disrupted, but I think that's mostly due to having a lot on my mind. I can't wait to post our final results and before and after pictures next week! Only one more week to go and we are going strong (though I am looking forward to having my morning coffee again)!

beachbody ultimate reset: week 1 results.

Click here for more information about the BeachBody Ultimate Reset.

beachbody ultimate reset: days 2 & 3.

If you're wondering why I am snapping pics of every meal I eat, it is because the main part of the ultimate reset - as I see it - is eating. I've seen a lot of detoxes/cleanses that really limit your eating to a few select foods. That is not the case with this program. I am also full and satisfied after every meal and have yet to be hungry. There have even been a few meals that I was unable to finish because I was full. I have loved everything on the menu and really enjoyed preparing the meals (though the sushi was a bit tricky the first time). Is it a time commitment? Yep. Does it take a lot of planning and thinking of head? Sure does. But I'm remembering what it's like to eat healthy and my stomach hasn't felt this good in forever. On day 2 I still had a mild headache, but I could already see that I was retaining less water. On day 3, the headache was pretty much gone, but I felt low energy so I took it easy. The thing that makes me the happiest is that I'm feeling a lot less anxious and generally more positive. I don't think it's a coincidence. Only 18 more days to go.

beachbody ultimate reset: day 1.

Day one of the Ultimate Reset is in the bag. Apart from a headache and peeing every 20 to 30 minutes, it went really well. The food was tasty, the supplements weren't so bad (though I won't miss the alkalinize), and it felt good to get out for my two 20 minute walks.  The good thing about taking a week to prepare is that all of the food required is in the house and ready to go. My fridge is bursting with greens and veggies. Before I started, I was a bit wary of the food prep, but so far so good. It really is all about planning. And more planning. And a little more planning. I'm enjoying discovering new foods, and even the kids have gotten into it. Who knew jicama was so yummy? By the end of the day I was ready to go to bed, but my sleep wasn't restful. But, my sleep has been terrible lately, so I can't blame that on the reset. Tracy reported that she too got a headache, was peeing a tonne and was exhausted by the end of the day, so I know we're in the same boat (and she's still speaking to me). Only 20 more days to go!

beachbody ultimate reset: we start tomorrow!

Gulp. Tomorrow morning, my friend Tracy and I are starting the 21-day Beachbody Ultimate Reset. This was my brilliant idea, so if it ends up being super hard, Tracy may in fact stop speaking to me. This is what we looked like at Christmas - friendship strong and intact. Let's hope it stays that way!!

Why are we doing the cleanse? I think we both need a kickstart to get back into eating healthy and prioritizing our diet. Plus, this year has been stressful year and I'm fairly certain neither of us are in the shape we were last summer. If a 21-day detox cleanse doesn't get us back on the right track, then I don't know what will. We've done our grocery shopping (I never knew what a jicama was before), and we are ready to rock this. Thank you in advance to our coach, Gina, for helping us get prepped. I'm looking forward to getting back in my skinny jeans.

colouring for adults (or really big kids).

I've written about my love of colouring before. It really is one of my favourite things to do. It feeds my need to create, helps me relax, and when I'm feeling intense emotions, I find that colouring brings me back to centre (well, maybe a little to the left). When I start, I find my pencil stroke is heavy, the colours come out bright and solid. The imprint on my finger where I hold the pencil gets bright pink from the pressure of the wood against my skin, and my hand starts to cramp. I shake it out and make a conscious effort to loosen my grip and fill in the colour with a lighter, more even pressure.

I prefer whimsical drawings, with a fair amount of space to allow for shading. This first page is out of the American Girl: Design My Me "Tropical". They have another book I love just as much with the same title called "Wings". The collector in me is always searching for new colouring books. I have found the best colouring books are on amazon.ca (price wise and selection). The majority of colouring books with crisp, high quality, white paper available in bookstores are activity/sticker books, and more kid oriented.

I liked this fashion colouring book so much, I ordered a copy for my friend Tracy's daughter, Allie, who is a budding fashion designer. It's fun to colour in designs and then search for them online to see what they really look like. The drawings have a lot of white space which allows for more creativity and even additional drawing.

This Fancy Nancy "Girl On the Go" colouring book is for days when I am feeling like more detailed colouring. These drawings take more time because there are so many small details. I haven't done much colouring in it. I guess that shows where my head is at. But the drawings are super cute and a lot of fun.

The colouring book that has surprised me the most is "Islands". I ordered it on a whim and while the poetry that accompanies the drawings doesn't really do it for me, the hand-drawn abstract drawings, like "Crescent Moon" are fun and free and not very demanding from a brain power perspective. I have volume 2 waiting in the wings for when I complete it. That's also something I do... I complete colouring books. But I pick the pages I want to colour as the mood strikes (not front to back, or back to front like I read magazines). 

After exploring a bunch of different brands of coloured pencils, I have settled on a few favourites. Note, I like to support my local art supply store for my actual materials. Prismacolor is a terrific pencil, but it is temperamental and the leads break more than other brands. Also, they are pricey, so watch for them on sale. I have a small box of the Prismacolor Verithin, which have harder leads and are good for filling in small, detailed areas. Koh I Noor Woodless pencils are terrific for colouring large spaces and very smooth. The Koh I Noor Polycolor pencils are also excellent - fewer lead breakages, but not as luxurious as the Prismacolor. The one brand I haven't tried that has been recommended to me is Faber-Castell. I may pick up a few from the open stock at the art store next time I'm there just to see how they compare.

If you're interested in checking out more of my colouring, I have created a flickr album. Of course, these are just a sample - I have many more colouring books that I would like to feature (including my new Gangsta Rap colouring book). Yes, I am a 12-year-old boy on the inside.

we live on a mountain.

I always thought I would travel the world, experience different cultures, dip my toes in every ocean. So far in my 37 years on this earth, that hasn't happened. Many of my friends have led far more adventurous lives. Touring Australia and New Zealand for a year, moving to Japan, honeymooning in Paris, enjoying extensive family trips every summer - I'd be lying if I said I'm not envious. But something I have learned through my very limited travel, is that "Wherever you go, there you are" (Imitation of Christ by Thomas à Kempis). What this has come to mean to me is that no matter where you are, be it in Iceland or Toronto, you are the same person with the same joys and sorrows. You may find inspiration staring across vast glaciers, but the most important journey we must all take, is within ourselves.

There are days when I feel very much at peace with my life. I have a family in the suburbs. I have a son with autism who has changed the way I view most things in this world. I am mostly happy to take things at a medium pace. My brain runs away on me often and when I chase after it, on whatever tangent it has decided to take, I feel as though I am being swept away with the tidal wave of blood pumping through my veins too fast. So I go along for the ride, to see where I will travel on this particular afternoon. Will it be to explore the patterns of my life that I keep repeating, over and over? Or maybe I'll rush turbo speed into the future, mapping out all of the possibilities and what ifs. There is always the possibility of sinking down to the murky depths of the past, an endless corridor of recollections. And I can do all of this without leaving my home.

Nobody ever asks me about these "trips". As they regale me with tales of their travels and share photos of their loved ones in front of well known monuments, I secretly think of the journey I have taken in recent weeks. And I send light and love to my friends, light and love to the universe, and hope that some of it comes back to me before my next great adventure from my fingertips to my toes.

tmi tuesday: don't snort your wellbutrin up your nose.

Wednesday Burrito Lunch Date

After two visits with a psychiatrist, he was able to determine that I am not bipolar, and I am not schizophrenic. In fact, he found me to be a bit of a conundrum. I don't have ADD or ADHD, and yet I am still extremely depressed. I don't fit into a pretty little diagnosis which would mean a clear cut path on what medications I should be taking.

The conclusion he came to, is I have a lot of stress, a harder life than most, and I have a legitimate reason to feel sad. Medications are helping to keep my head above water and manage my anxiety. And I will probably always need them to manage. But I don't need more medication to help me feel better. I need therapy.

So, after agreeing to commit to attending weekly therapy, he filled out my prescriptions and told me that after this session, I didn't really need to see him anymore. One of my prescriptions is Wellbutrin, and he reminded me not to crush it and snort it up my nose. Say what? I guess his patients at the prison take their meds in a different way than me. I like to wash mine down with a nice pinot gris. I'm sure if he reads my blog he'll be horrified by my candour, but as I told him, I write as part of my therapy and also to help break the stigma that mental health is a dirty little secret to be ashamed of. Every time I write about my journey with depression, I receive many emails from people who are also struggling. So, word to the wise, don't crush up your Wellbutrin and snort it up your nose. But if you do, email me and let me know what happens as I am a little curious!

autism bumper cars.

When the going gets tough, I get quiet. This I know for sure. It has been a roller coaster of a month, filled with a lot of fun stuff and a lot of stress (much of it self-imposed). We celebrated Birthdaypalooza with our friends and had a great turn out, beautiful weather and happy kids. After eleven years of faithful service, we sold our Camry and bought a Ford Escape. The upgrade in size is so we'll have room for Max's service dog which will be joining our family in November. I've never had a brand new car and I have to say, I'm loving it.

I've been trying to quiet my brain. There are so many thoughts bouncing around in my head, they create a wall between what is important, and the bullshit minutia of life. I have drastically reduced the medication I take for depression, giving my body a chance to adjust and for me to accurately assess what it is I truly need. The hard part is managing my anxiety, which has increased. But as summer gets closer and the sunlight increases I find my mood lifting. I remind myself that whatever it is that is causing my heart to beat out of my chest is only a moment in time, will pass, and that on my death bed, I won't be worrying about whether or not I filed my taxes on time for 2011 (which I did not).

I had lunch with my friend Christina on Friday. She's got a huge heart, is wicked smart, polished and stylish in a way I'll never be, and she also has a son who was recently diagnosed with autism. As we talked, I told her about some of the ideas I have been having about what I want to do creatively and professionally, because I wanted to hear her thoughts, get her feedback. Am I nuts? On the right track? Can I do this? Should I do this? What I want to do is help families in the early stages of autism, to help them keep their heads above water when their lives are turned upside down. I want to do important work that truly makes a difference and to use my experience for something positive. I'm not exactly sure how this will take shape or what form it will be in, but I finally feel like I'm on the right track.

dirty little secrets.

After my last post, a few people expressed concern about the fact that I divulged that I suffer from depression and I am seeking medical treatment for it, in such a public forum. Will future employers google me and find out and not want to hire me? Maybe. Would I want to work for an employer that found my willingness to be open and candid as a sign of weakness? Not on your life. Not talking about depression gives it power. Being ashamed of something that is not my fault is exhausting.

One of my favourite women in the world is research professor Brené Brown, who I had the pleasure of meeting in Nashville last year. On the hard days, I remember her words "Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light". I have a lot of light, I just have to let it out. It's hard work, diving into the ugly stuff. But that hard work, it won't last forever. The potential of what's to come makes it worth it.

And I finally did get to meet with the doctor to discuss my medication (thankfully in the outpatient clinic and not in the psych ward). Our first step? Reduce my meds and a referral to a therapist. I'll see him again in a few weeks to see how I'm doing from a medication standpoint. I can't be ashamed of being depressed any longer. I can only be proud that I'm standing up and taking it on in a way that empowers me and others.

sunny day, sweepin’ the clouds away.

Have you ever witnessed something so raw, so base, that you realized that everything you thought about what "the bottom" looked like was not only wrong, but truly ignorant? Friday found me in the mental health ward of my local hospital. Not because I was being checked in (like I have often joked about and made light of), but because I was trying to figure out where the psychiatrist I was supposed to have an appointment with was hiding. Turns out my appointment time had been changed and nobody had told me. As I felt myself start to get irritated with the nurses sitting behind the safety glass, I looked behind me and saw a woman dressed only in a hospital gown.

She said nothing, her eyes were vacant. I smiled at her, not knowing what else to do, and she tilted her head slightly and shifted from one foot to the other. She was a wisp of a thing, and I could taste her sadness. Before long a nurse arrived and handed her two small plastic cups and told her one was shampoo and the other was body wash. The woman accepted the cups in a way that told me this was not the first time her toiletries had been doled out in suicide safe receptacles. She turned and disappeared through a pair of doors, and my heart hurt for her. Without thinking I sent out a prayer to her that she would get better and get her life back.

The reason I was there that day was merely to discuss my medication and a get a second opinion for my doctor. I've been feeling "not myself" (it's been a while, I'm not sure I'd recognize her if I saw her) for a long time. I'm not thinking of doing anything radical like harming myself, but I have days where I struggle to function. If it weren't for my kids, I would probably have become a hermit by now. Most of the time I'm exhausted, I have a lot of trouble focussing, my motivation is out the window and get extremely anxious about things that I can't control. I manage to cover these fun symptoms up when duty calls, but after the fact, I'm so tired from pretending, it takes longer than it should to pull myself together to do it again.

I'm writing this, not for you to think "Wow, Kat's a nut job" or "How unprofessional of her to smear her public persona with this type of information". I am writing this because for far too long, when asked "How are you?", I have answered "Great". And I'll probably continue answering "Great" because that's what people want to hear. But at least in one place, I have started to say what is really on my mind. That I'm not so depressed that I need to be checked into a hospital, but I do need to keep a close eye on it and be truly honest about how hard I struggle.

By the way, when I finally tracked down my doctor, he apologized for the mix-up and I responded "If this is the worst thing that happens to me today, than I'm doing okay". He gave me a funny look, and didn't respond. Go figure. I guess he isn't phased by seeing what I saw. I think I'll stop joking about checking myself into the hospital.

step aboard the autism dragon boat ride.

Lately, when I'm asked "How are things going", I'm really not sure where to start. Me? Well, I'm still fighting the good fight, whatever that means and for whatever it's worth. Max? He is experiencing incredible progress in a lot of areas, but also regressing back into some behaviours that are both physically and emotionally exhausting to deal with. The typical two steps forward, one step back of autism. I was telling one of Max's  therapists that it felt like we were living on one of those big theme park dragon boat rides that swings from one side to the other, so high that it looks like the occupants might fall out when it reaches the summit but they are thrown back into their seats as the boat swings back down. The only thing I can figure is that with all of the new skills settling into Max's brain, it's causing him to need to balance things out by bringing back some of his tried and true (and irritating) coping mechanisms. So, let's start with the progress.

The good stuff is awesome. Max is surprising us almost daily. This past weekend, he found that train puzzle, which we haven't played with since November. He brought it upstairs from the basement and put it on the kitchen table. I told him the puzzle was too big to do on the table and he should do it in the hallway. He remember that the last time he did the puzzle, he did it upstairs, so that's where he went. I came up to check on him a few minutes later and he had completed it entirely on his own. Then he took it apart and put it back in the box. Also, he loves wearing hats now. We haven't been able to keep a hat on his head since the day he was born.

He and Cameron are continuing to develop a strong (and typical) sibling relationship. Last weekend they were playing tag, chasing each other through the house and giggling up a storm. If one is colouring the other wants to join in, and best of all, when I don't understand what Max wants, Cameron usually does. Last week when she was taking a bath, she asked for her "special soap from Grandma" (a heart shape soap). I had no idea that Max even knew what she was referring to, let alone what it looked like. He picked it up off the counter and tossed it in the bath for her.

Other progress? When asked what colour something is, Max is now responding with more than one colour (the dominant colour and secondary colour). He is being more specific when he wants something (like telling me "My turn, DVD all done" when he wanted me to turn a movie off so he could watch Elmo). He is also greeting more and more people unprompted and making killer eye contact. Also, he lost his first baby tooth (right on schedule!). We don't hit a lot of milestones on time, so we'll take 'em where we can get 'em.

These wins are what I cling to on nights where he screams every time Cameron coughs, slams the fridge door after every time someone opens it, whines non-stop and shouts out his favourite stim, "Mommy! What Max? Mommy! What Max?". Toileting is still hit and miss, and lately, he has been staying up until all hours of the night. So, how are things going? Depends which side of the boat you're on. I think the positive developments win out, but I wouldn't mind a break from the extreme swings. I'm more of a ferris wheel kind of girl.

colouring the blues away.

If you suffer from depression, you will understand me when I say that on some days I wonder if I will ever feel better – or at the very least okay. You do your best to pretend that you're "feeling great" when people ask. Because, nobody wants to hear that you feel sad, and that you are completely exhausted all the time. They want to hear that your medication is working and you are exercising up a storm and productive and ready to conquer the world.

Sometimes it's not that easy though.

So you keep searching for ways to feel better. For me, the only thing that seems to help manage the noise in my head is channeling myself into creative outlets. I'm taking a painting class every week, and that seems to allow me some time and space to just "be" without having to worry about my life and the "what ifs" that keep me awake at night. I have also taken up colouring, which the kids love. We sit together and chat about how many sleeps it is until gymnastics, and I am taken to task for not buying raspberries on my last grocery run.

The hardest part of depression, for me, is that despite all of my best efforts, nothing I do seems to be working to pull myself out of it. I have favourite friends who make me laugh (but you know, they have jobs so I can't ask them to call me every day to help me smile). My writing muse seems to have up and left me. And while I know that exercising would help, I get tired from walking around the block. This isn't the me I want to be. I'm not telling you all this to make you feel sorry for me. I'm telling you so that you can have a better understanding of what a tough battle depression is. It isn't laziness, or being a downer – not purposely. It's a medical issue that is scary for the person dealing with it, and hard on the people around you.  Anyone feel like colouring?

when your child with autism blows your mind.

Cameron and I spend a fair amount of time colouring together. Max has never really been interested in joining us. This past week I picked up a set of coloured pencils and a fun colouring book in hopes that colouring would help me relax in the same manner painting does, but with a faster set up and clean up. Max and Cameron have found this somewhat curious. Why is mom colouring? Cam seemed to accept that I had special pencils just for me, and liked that there was more colouring happening overall. I picked up a Toy Story colouring book for Max and put it out for him, hoping to lure him in with familiar characters.

On Monday (a holiday in most of Canada), Max decided – without prompting – to sit down and start colouring. He focussed on colouring objects (not just random scribbling), and he stayed for 30 minutes. These moments when Max seeks out spending time with his family are never taken for granted and are always cherished. Seeing him transfer skills he has learned at school and at the clinic where he receives therapy into his day-to-day life increases our resolve to do everything we can to help Max continue to progress.

On Wednesdays, Max has his therapy at home. When I came downstairs at the end of his session, he was playing "Swinging Monkey" with his therapist. The last time we played that game was almost 2 years ago. I put it away because Max was more interested in throwing the monkeys than playing the game. Yesterday he was not only playing the game, he had worked out a strategy to get the monkeys into the tree. He didn't appreciate me trying to take his picture because I was messing up his flow. I fall more in love with this boy every day.

mental health monday: when were you happiest?

Recovering from this pneumonia is a trip. I was going to say it's a son of a bitch, but in light of the photo of myself and Max right after he was born, that would probably be inappropriate. I am moving slooooow, which makes me completely inefficient and gives me way too much time to think about things I typically avoid thinking about by keeping myself on the move. There is a certain heaviness to me that I find terribly unappealing. I feel like I'm looking all around me for things to make me happy, and coming up short. I've been told that pneumonia is something that takes a while to bounce back from and to be patient and not take myself too seriously. I suck at being patient, and tend to take things way too seriously, so this, compounded with a 10 day cycle of gut-rotting antibiotics have been especially delightful.

One of Cammie's favourite things to do is look at pictures (preferably of herself). She doesn't get that from me. We stumbled upon this picture, and it struck me that I was so happy at this moment. Like, nothing else mattered, to heck with imperfect relationships and the toilet that doesn't quite flush right and the crazy amount of money I am owed and owe others. At this moment, I am holding my first baby, and he is perfect. I am a wee bit stoned and very tired, and oh my god, look at these little fingers! It was a perfect moment, and a tough one to top. Since I am currently struggling with getting better, with the black dog of depression nipping at my heels to boot, these are the things I am doing my best to focus on. Also, when Max tried to open the locked bathroom door yesterday he announced "the bathroom is occupied" (which made me smile). I suppose some moments aren't perfect, just humorous.