Your Tape, it Lulled Me to Sleep.

I haven't been sleeping well lately, which is ironic as Cameron is now sleeping through the night. I am exhausted by 8pm, so I usually head to bed right after the kids are tucked in. Three hours later I'm wide awake, staring at the ceiling, cursing because I really am so tired. I think that my brain is just in overdrive. There is too much to process, so many changes happening in a really short period of time. Good changes, but changes nonetheless. I'm excited about what's to come, I know I've made solid decisions that will benefit everyone. There are still so many unknowns though, and the unknown is scary and uncomfortable. Also, this college reunion is tripping me out a bit. And then there is BlogHer at the end of July. Talk about a jam packed month! New job, college reunion, and a convention! How will August ever compete?

Headphones (Björk):
genius to fall
asleep to your tape
last night
sounds go through the muscles
these abstract
wordless movements
they start off cells
that haven't been
touched
before

these cells are virgins

my headphones
they saved my life
your tape
it lulled me to sleep

nothing will be the same

i'm fast asleep

i like this resonance
it elevates me
i don't recognize myself
this is very interesting

my headphones
they saved my life
your tape
it lulled me to sleep

i'm fast asleep now

i'm fast asleep

my headphones
they saved my life
your tape
it lulled me to sleep

Sleep is For Suckers.

I often get asked "how the heck to you find time to blog everyday?". The answer? I sacrifice sleep. And writing is therapeutic for me, so expressing myself through my site is likely a form of counting sheep. It helps centre me, kind of like an online diary where I know that everyone has a key. Whether I am blogging about Max, Cameron, Autism, or granny panties, writing helps me express myself as a mom, an advocate, and a sarcastic 30-something woman with a quirky sense of humour. But some days are hard. Some days I don't know what to say. Or, what I have to say is "omg-I-am-exhausted-and-feeling-like-I-have-the-weight-of-the-world-on-my-shoulders". And I don't feel like writing that because a) it's a huge downer and b) I already wrote that this week and c) focusing on it doesn't help me feel better. Hence the posts about wanting to see someone's va-jay-jay and my desire to dump coffee on an old boss.

My life is complicated and busy. But I think I need it to be that way. Sounds crazy to say that, I know, but hear me out. By being constantly on the go, whether it be commuting to my full time job in Toronto, taking Max to therapy, making sure Cameron is getting her fair share of attention, running a household, updating my site, finding time for Scott, and squeaking out a moment for myself here and there, I don't have time to dwell. I don't have time to worry about the future. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking it a day at a time. I can worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

Maybe this is how I manage to stay positive? There are cracks in the veneer for sure, but I fear if I ever let myself come to a full stop, I would probably fall over from sheer exhaustion. We all have different ways of coping, mine is to keep myself moving. That doesn't leave much time to smell the roses, let alone deal with the crazy tangle of weeds in my front "garden" (and I use the term loosely), but that's where it's at. I know something's gotta give, but when I look at the list of things on the go, I don't see an obvious contender (though the current sacrificial lambs are usually finding time for Scott and squeaking out a moment for myself - go figure). I keep telling myself that it will get better. I know it will. It will.