Tuesday, April 28, 2009

TMI Tuesday: My Wicked Thoughts.

A few years ago, I had a marketing job working for a credit card company. I won't name it specifically, but it is the one that starts with the name of the country directly south of Canada. This was one of those jobs where you sit down on your first day and immediately know you have made a very bad mistake and you are in the wrong place. I had been hired to do online marketing, but I didn't have access to the internet or an email account for the first month. My "manager", and I use the term loosely, (she was never around and never gave me any direction or support) was one of those people that always smiled. No matter what. She never said a bad word about anyone. Always saw the positive side of the worst situations, to the point that I secretly nicknamed her "MFP" (Mary F*cking Poppins).

Don't get me wrong, I like glass-is-half-full/solution-oriented type people, but this woman was just ridiculous. I swear to dog, you could literally serve her up a sh!t sandwich and she would eat it with a smile, all the while telling you what an excellent chef you were. I tried to like her, but because she was never real, I didn't trust her. Plus, she was a horrible manager and left her team to wade through the muck of an organization that requires a lot of escalating, maneuvering and sweet talking to get anything done. The worst thing was that upper management LOVED her, so there was no escaping.

Every 2 weeks, MFP had a status meeting with me. I dreaded these meetings because they were a complete waste of time and I always left them more confused about what I was supposed to be doing than I had been before the meeting. I started daydreaming during these meetings, tuning MFP out as she droned on. I started imagining what her face would look like if I just reached over and ever so casually tipped my coffee over into her lap. Would the Cheshire cat smile leave her face even for a moment? Would the facade crack and give me a peak into her happy-happy-joy-joy soul? Maybe my dumping coffee on her would be the straw that broke the camel's back, and she would jump over the table and beat the tar out of me. One can always hope.

It got to the point that every time I met with her, all I could think about was how badly I wanted to pour my coffee on her. I was obsessed. At first it was amusing, but I started to worry. What if I actually did it? The devil on my shoulder had my ear, and I was concerned that he was going to talk me into doing something that I really shouldn't do. I really didn't trust myself to behave so I did the unthinkable. I stopped drinking coffee, or any kind of beverage, at our 9am meetings. That was the only way I could absolutely guarantee that I wouldn't dump anything into MFP's lap.

I knew I had to quit when my thoughts ventured over to her coffee, and I realized all I would have to do is stretch my arm out a little further and...well, you get the idea. Needless to say, I got over the fixation of wanting to dump coffee on my manager's lap. But if you are ever out with me, and I decide to skip my usual cup of java, you've been given fair warning, and I suggest you keep a tight hold on your own beverage.


  1. I came very close to deliberately vomiting on a former boss. (Ex-bulimics have certain holdover "talents," you see...) A similar situation with an ever-smiling-stab-you-in-the-back type of bo$$.

    But if this is a long-ago boss, K, what brought it up for you? Just curious...

  2. Not sure what brought this up for me...maybe just thinking about all the crazy jobs I've had and the fact that I'm returning to work on Monday. Luckily I really like my manager so I won't be thinking about dumping coffee on her!

  3. Anonymous7:53 p.m.

    I once "secretly" knocked a glass of water over on someone who had really really annoyed me at a dinner. It was wicked but so much fun.

  4. I just looove your writing Kat!
    We all do it. And we all have those human like looking creatures sometimes passing through, sometimes fastened permanently to landscapes of our life. I was fantasizing for a long time that if I would win large sum of money I would buy or pretend to buy a house next to my sister in law - not because I want to live there but just to watch her reaction. :)