visit from cousin zevi.

My brother David and his family are moving to Washington state at the end of this week. Since it will probably be a while before we get to see them again, and because Zevi and Cameron got along like a house afire the last time they visited, David brought Zevi up for one last visit.  It was awesome.  My kids totally ignored their cousin.  They were complete jerks.  Zevi was all "Hey cuz! What's up?! Long time no see - you're looking great! How's the fam?".  They turned their backs on him and played on the swings.  Oh yeah, and Cam decided to try on her new snow pants from Grandma.

They haven't played in their house in weeks, and have never tolerated being in there together.  Add cousin Zevi to the mix, and kablam! - they are best buds and it's Carefoot Crew United 4EVAH! Poor Zevi.  It really did take them a while to warm up to him.

Zevi finally gave up on my his mean ol' cousins and went off to play by himself (proud moment for his Aunt Katrina).  

Cam decided that since he was gone she could open up the windows and play peek-a-boo with me.  I suggested that she come out and play with Zevi and she promptly retreated into the house, slamming the shutters on me. 

Zevi tested out the back nine and got some nice momentum running down the slope from the fence to the swings.  Max and Cam had recommenced play on the swings and were still less than welcoming to their cousin.

Zevi was all "Fine, be like that, I'm going to test out all of your awesome equipment.  I don't need you anyway".  I cheered him on - to heck with my kids! 

I got Zevi to come and get his picture taken with me.  And yeah, I know I look like hell (result of partying hard all weekend at Cathy and Gordon's wedding).  

Cameron decided that she wasn't down with sharing her mommy with her cousin Zevi and she better get in on the action.  Score one for mommy!

Cam and Zevi quickly rekindled their deep bond and hopped into the sandbox together.  When I tried to interject they looked at me suspiciously (adults are not to be trusted).  

I finally managed to coax a smile out of them.  Turns out I'm not so bad after all.

Later on, the fellas watched the Cowboys-Texans game.  It became clear that Coach Phillips would live to see another game. 

Sadly, David and Zevi had to hit to road and head on home to get ready for the big move. David left Zevi's potty in our front hall to remember them by. I have a feeling Zevi will miss that potty...but it sure was a thoughtful parting gift!

party in room eleven.

It was a crazy, wonderful weekend.  I have a tonne of pictures to crop and upload.  Cathy and Gordon's wedding deserves a detailed photo essay to do it justice (and I am way too tired to do that tonight).  Enjoy this teaser of the bride and groom's first dance.  Yes, it's exactly what you think it is.  And check out the bride's hot red shoes!

they do.

Today is a special day for our friends Cathy and Gordon.  It's the day they take that leap of faith and say "I do".  We're thrilled to be here with them to celebrate (and eat yummy cake and dance).  Congratulations you crazy kids!  (Pics to follow tomorrow - there is no wireless at the hotel, and yes, it is killing me.)

speech goals.

A few weeks ago, Max's Speech Therapist did a formal assessment of his language skills to update Max's speech goals.  We've noticed a big increase in his ability to use language functionally to request what he wants (and tell us what he DOESN'T want too).  What she was interested in was his social language skills, which is an entirely different skill set.  After her assessment, she sent home a list of goals for us all to work on so that we would be on the same page as her:

1. Max will understand and express the appropriate preposition (in, on, under, off and out) with 80% accuracy given minimal prompting.
2. Max will consistently label pictures with 80% accuracy given minimal prompting.
3. Max will receptively identify pictures from an array of 3-6 with 80% accuracy given minimal prompting.
4. Max will be exposed to a variety of theme based activities (variety of resources) to build on his vocabulary (ex. Colours, shapes household items, clothing, etc.).
5. Max will be able to identify body parts on himself, others and dolls/stuffed animals with 80% accuracy given minimal prompting.
6. Max will be able to identify receptively and express genders (boy/girl) with 80% accuracy given minimal prompting.
7. Max will identify (receptively) familiar verbs in a variety of resources with 80% accuracy given minimal prompting.
8. Max will demonstrate an understanding of basic concepts such as "big" and "little" with 80% accuracy given minimal prompting.
9. Max will be able to follow directions receptively when the speaker uses a variety of language such as "Show me", "Give me", "Pass me", etc. with 80% accuracy given minimal prompting.
10. Max will be able to answer "what" and "where" questions with 80% accuracy given minimal prompting.

When I go back and look at pictures of Max in his first speech therapy sessions, where he had no words, was unable to enter the therapy room without having a major meltdown, could not sit for any length of time, and screamed for the majority of the session, it reminds me that while his progress may be slow, he is most definitely progressing.  If you had told me back then that in less than 2 years Max would be working on prepositions, verbs and adjectives I would have laughed and said "yeah right".  But here we are.  The work is hard but it is fruitful.  I'm so proud of my son.  He works incredibly hard every single day and he does it with a smile.  At 4 years old he has more figured out than a lot of us do.

Live Blog: Grey's Anatomy Season Premiere

Oh yeah...I forgot about the bloodbath thing....

Oh cool, let's just skip past the blood bath cleanup...you know, we're all good.  Man, McDreamy has AGED over the summer.  And Meredith is PISSED that she hasn't been cleared for surgery.  Pissed is not a good look on her.  Oh yeah, and Chief Webber is back - about damn time.

I can already tell I'm going to need a vodka and soda to get through this episode.  Make it a double...

Yang and the redhead are getting hitched.  Cool beans.

Awh - big koom-by-yah circle of fucked up surgeons.  Weee....littlegrey needs to shut up already.

Red wants to bond with McDreamy because now they're both going to be married to the "twisted sisters".  Nice.

Awh, there's Bailey - reliving the worst day of her life.  Man - do you remember how creepy it was when she got dragged out from under that bed?  Wowsers.  It was so bad that she ditched that fine hot man and headed for the hills.  That's messed up.

McDreamy talks about snapping some kid's face in half and the mom is not stoked.  Meredith tells the mom all of the possible side effects of the surgery.  No good... McDreamy doesn't like her raining on his parade.

--Commercial! Where's that drink??--

Our favourite surgical asshole is back to being a super duper asshole.  Quel surprise.  Nice...talking about getting tail.  He's a crass ass.  "I've had too much crazy for one life time." I'll give him that.

McSteamy is mad that lilgrey gets to operate.  Therapist thinks she is okeedokee to start cutting.

Red and his bffthwtf (bff that he wants to fuck) are operating together and they are cool.  ummm...

docs commiserate in the basement about how they should all be dead.  Karev gets cleared.  Now it's only Yang and Meredith that don't get to cut.

Bailey is back and clearly not okay.  She starts ordering everyone around pronto and all is right with the world.  Bowel impaction.  Hot.

McSteamy gets head shrunk because he "quit his job".  He relives getting shot...heavy.  His new motto is "think less and just do".  I could get with that.

The hall monitor surgeon apologizes for getting McDreamy shot.  He's having none of it.  He blames himself.  Now he's in fancy SUV driving like a maniac to hip hop music.  Right...holy shit - we're at the half way point already?  Nothing has happened.  I am underwhelmed.  Where's that drink?

Oh snap! the therapist is getting jiggy with Teddy!  Meredith is not a happy camper.  She wants to cut.  And she wants to cut now.  Therapist doesn't think she is being honest, so she is basically screwed.

Flashback - Meredith has her feet in the stirrups.  Oh right...she had a miscarriage.  Sad face.  Yeah, she is not okay.  And she never told McDreamy?  That's not healthy.

Hot Paediatrician Lesbian confides in Teddy about not wanting her girlfriend to propose to her.

Webber tells McDreamy he is large and in charge.  He questions McDreamy on whether or not he is ready to cut.  McDreamy says "HELL YEAH!!"

Poor kid.  I hope McDreamy doesn't snap his face in half.  That would suck.  That buzz saw sounds gross.  Makes me want to wretch.  Good thing I'm not in the operating room. I'd be a horrible surgeon.  Everyone sits in the observation deck and looks blown away.

There's the tumour.  Meredith freaks out and drags Yang out of the observation room.  Meredith tries to talk Yang out of marrying the redhead.  Whoa...Meredith and Yang are soul mates.  I never knew.  Yang thinks Meredith needs to spill the beans to McSteamy about the miscarriage....song in the background goes "rain down, rain down on me"....deep.

--commercial!! I really should get off my ass and go get that drink...--

Man, I hope The Practice isn't a drag.  That midwife died and all, but they have got to get back into the swing of things.

And we're back.  Yang is getting shrunk.  She is not playing ball.  She peruses her bridal mag.  She's nuts.  Or, to quote her "you're either born simple or you're born me".  She is not okay with having had a gun held to her head while operating.  Understandable really.

Flashback to her acting like a weirdo and the red head coming over to hang out.  I've always had a thing for red heads... he promises to never go anywhere.  Definite marriage material.  Oh...there's the ring.  Smart guy - get her while she's down.

Bailey is leaving the building and THERE IS HER HOT MANS!!  He feels bad because while she had her hand in her dying intern's chest, getting covered with blood, her main man was playing golf.  She goes into that "you are a good man" bit...apparently he's perfect and she is busy holding herself together with tape and glue and she can't forgive him for golfing while she almost died.  So then they could both be screwed up.  She just needs to be quiet and go home with him.  He's hot stuff.  I'd let him make me feel better if I were here.

Hot doc decides "this shit ain't worth it" and heads for the hills.  Awh...poor Bailey.  I don't think she really wanted that.  But now they get to have hot makeup sex later in the season.

OH SNAP! McDreamy wants to make a baby and Meredith is like "whoa!!".

Kid with his face snapped in half is freaking out.  I would too!!  His face is messed UP!  Apparently what he is experiencing is not a dying pain...it's a healing pain...a living pain.  DUDE!  Give the kid some morphine and shut your mouth! Two seconds ago you were trying to get down with your lady in storage closet! wtf do you know how he's feeling?

Wait...what is Meredith doing in jail?  Oh...it's McDreamy in jail?  What did I miss?  Now lilgrey and Karev are acting all weird.  He's a dog.

Crazy eyes, tight dress.  Uhh...

McSteamy is drowning his sorrows with George's ex...can't remember her name.  She asks the hot blonde paed to move in with her.  She's all "uh...yes, I'll move in to that place I already live in anyway".

Meredith tells the redhead that McDreamy isn't coming and can someone else do the bestman thing? Meredith goes to check on Yang who gives her some lip about Meredith's stupid post-it wedding (which in truth, was kind of lame).  Yang wants to know what's up with red, Meredith sez "he's perfect".

YO! What is UP with Yang's hair?  It looks like a matted up skunk curled up on her head.  Unfortunate.

I forgot how annoying the outro narrative is with Meredith waxing all deep and poetic about life.  Sheesh.  She needs to shut it.

...so...how did McDreamy end up in jail again?  Or am I just making that up?

Yang seals the deal.  I hope he doesn't go all warzone crazy on her and strangle her in her sleep again.

And, we're out.  Preview of next week...gets cut off by ABC.  Jerks.

children will listen.

Scott and I have been making a concerted effort to keep things light and carefree at home, despite the underlying stress and sadness that we feel about his mom. Max and Cameron are too young to understand what is going on with their Nana. They are too young to understand how sick she is.

My kids are way smarter than I give them credit for.

This past month Cameron has really struggled in the mornings. I’m talking huge meltdowns, kicking, screaming, and throwing anything she can get her hands on. It would break my heart if it didn’t stress me out so much. This little girl, she has a set of lungs that would make Jessye Norman proud. On the days when Nana is not up to coming over, Cam asks “where’s Nana? I want Nana!”. I am honest with her, and I say “Nana’s not feeling well, she is at home resting”. Cameron seems to understand what this means, and she nods and repeats “Nana not feeling well, she sleeping”. At night Cameron doesn’t want to go to bed and the theatrics continue. But I get it. She intrinsically feels that something is wrong and wants to just “be” with Scott and me. I don’t blame her for that (though I do need her to get some sleep and give me some down time).

Max has been very whiney lately. It’s hard to know what is causing this with all the changes he is dealing with. His sleep has been inconsistent, and he has been requiring a lot of sensory input to self-regulate. He’s not sure what to think when I pick him up at the end of the day instead of his Nana and Bumpa. What’s interesting is that even with all the chaos, he is making a tonne of progress. Over the past month he has started using the toilet for BMs consistently (seriously, this is a HUGE deal – it is zero fun cleaning up the poopy butt of a 4.5 year old). He has started requesting to go to the toilet as well (instead of us having to prompt him 100% of the time). I can’t remember the last time he had an accident from a #1 perspective either. We’ve also been hearing a lot more words and short sentences, like “I love timbits!” and “I want more toast”. Amazing stuff when you consider where he started.

The challenge through all of this is that it isn’t going to get better anytime soon. Scott and I are doing our best to hold it down while also being supportive of his parents, dealing with our own sadness individually, staying connected as a couple, all the while making sure Cam and Max are getting everything they need (and that nobody gets forgotten to get picked up at the end of the day!). It’s a lot.

I try to stay focused on the fact that this is not a unique experience. I’ll admit that some days it seems like we are the only ones in the world who are going through this, (but that is so far from the truth I am embarrassed to even admit that I’ve felt that way for even a second).

It’s the cycle of life.
I just wish we had more time with Lorraine.
I wish she didn’t have to suffer.
I wish she could see Cam's first dance class.
I wish she could see all the hard work she has put into Max come to fruition as he grows up into a fine young man.
For someone of such small physical stature she will leave a huge hole in our family.

i heart my doxie scanner (a geeky review).

I ordered a doxie scanner back in mid-August (even though their website clearly stated that the scanner of my dreams was on back order and wouldn't ship until the second week of September).  Going with the "if it's sold out it must be good principle" I decided I must! have! this!.  Geeky, yes.  But I've never had a scanner (not even one of those old ones that is as big as a microwave).  And it's wee, fits in a laptop bag AND HAS BUTTON WITH A PINK <3 BUTTON ON IT!

The notification email that it had shipped came on September 4th (squee!! early!!).  It got to Canadian customs on the 12th (huh?).  Then it sat there for 10 whole days waiting to clear (wtf?).  I checked the shipping status every damn day until low and behold, the US Postal Service website said that my beloved scanner had finally been released from the clutches of whoever it is that sits on shipments at the border (come to think of it they were probably photocopying their asses and then scanning their photocopies with my sweet innocent virgin doxie).  Jerks!

Anyway, when I checked the mail today, there was a notice to come pick up a parcel.  That means one thing - time to pay to get my doxie out of hock.  $22.24 later, she was all mine.  Cam was pretty excited because the box had pink writing on it and a heart over the i.  I'm with her - love at first sight.

While Cam watched Beauty and the Beast, I hooked up my doxie, read the instructions and got to sweet beautiful scanning. The first thing I scanned? Two quilt patterns that I have now purchased twice because I misplaced them which made the fabric I had purchased completely useless. Now that they are scanned, I know I will never lose them again, because that is how things work. Then I scanned a picture of Scott from when he was the same age Cam is now (2.5 years old). When I showed Cam this picture and asked her who it was she said "Cami!". I guess we know which parent she takes after.  (Everybody together now - "awhhhhhh").

I am pleased to report that the doxie lives up to all the hype.  It is easy to use, produces top quality scans and is compact.  Also, for all those guys who are afraid their penises will fall off if they use a scanner that has hearts on it, not to worry - it comes with manly wood grained and zebra print stickers to cover up the ever so cute hearts

Note: I was not paid to write this post.  I am just a really big geek.  But man, if the folks at doxie wanted to say, give me one of these super duper scanners to give away on my site? I would TOTALLY be into that and I NEVER say that.  Lol.  I don't think they need any help from lil' ol' me.

sponge bob on the ceiling.

My mom has a knack for picking out toys for Max.  Carousels with flashing lights and music, laptop computers, musical caterpillars, shape sorters, winnie the pooh on a horse... her winning streak is going strong.  This is no small feat.  Choosing a toy for a child with Autism is a challenge - even for me!  Max's favourite toy right now is a wind up movie projector that projects sponge bob and plays music.  When he first got it earlier this year, he really didn't understand how to play with it.  Apparently he has figured it out now, because I came upstairs the other night to find him putting on a show for Scott and Cam in our bedroom.  Quite a sight to find my three favourite people cuddling together and enjoying themselves.  Joy in the little things indeed.

Note: I was not paid to write this post.  I just wrote it because it's a cool toy.

the mommy blogger label.

me: I don’t really think of myself as a mommy blogger.

Scott: What are you talking about? You have a drawing of you and the kids in your blog header. Of course you’re a mommy blogger.

me: But I think I’m more than just a mommy blogger. I mean, I right about depression, and autism and quilting too…

Scott: What’s so bad about being labeled a mommy blogger anyway? It’s the "in" thing right now.

me: Harrumph.

I’m not sure why I take issue with the label “mommy blogger”. Perhaps it is because I feel like there is something dismissive about it. It’s a term that casts a wide net that supposedly captures all women bloggers who happen to have children. I feel like the term implies that all I do is talk about having children and about being a “mommy”. Maybe this really goes deeper though. The root of this is that as a society, we undervalue the role of the mother. Calling an adult woman a “mommy”, adult to adult, is completely condescending. I can’t imagine being in a meeting at work and having someone say “well Katrina, since you’re a mommy, why don’t you weigh in on this issue”. Say what? Not cool. Also, men who blog, and also happen to have kids, aren’t called “daddy bloggers”. They are just bloggers. Nobody would call Drew Magary a “daddy blogger”, but he writes about his kids all the time.

I consider myself a:

• mental health blogger
• autism blogger
• quilt blogger
• social media blogger
• travel blogger
• reality tv blogger
• live blogger
• humour blogger
• weight loss blogger
• consumer blogger
• feminist blogger
• procreating blogger

How do all of those things roll up into the catch-all term “mommy blogger”?

are visible minorities invisible in canadian social media?

I got an email from BlissDom Canada yesterday announcing the speakers of their upcoming conference in Toronto. A quick scan left me feeling underwhelmed. A closer look left me feeling disappointed and questioning if I even want to attend anymore. Before I go peeing in my own cornflakes, I will point out that there were a few presenters/panelists that I am most definitely excited about and they are Julie Cole and Tricia Mumby from Mabel’s Labels. I consider them to be brilliant at social media and marketing and I am quite interested in what they have to say.

But, the thing that absolutely blew my mind about the speakers who were selected is that every last one of them is white. All but two of them are moms. Three of them are men.

The issue I take with this is that I can’t believe there isn’t more diversity. This is Canada – aren’t we supposed to be a cultural melting pot? Are we really that limited in our pool of blogging and social media talent that there isn’t a single interesting/influential person who is a visible minority worth hearing from? Data based on the 2006 Canadian census highlights 16% of the total population (over 5 million Canadians) identify as a member of a visible minority, up from 13% in 2001 and with higher concentrations in urban areas. Clearly an opportunity has been missed.  (It should be noted that on the BlissDom Canada homepage the featured photograph is of three women - two of whom are visible minorities.)

Add to that, a lot of these speakers are ones that have been part of the social media conference circuit for the past few years, so they aren’t new to me. I get that I am not a typical attendee. I’m fairly advanced in my understanding of social media, marketing and writing – so it would take a lot to impress me anyway. I don’t have a big blog, and I don’t have much advertising, if any. I was just hoping for this conference to be more than a great opportunity to network, which I’m sure it will be. I wanted to have my horizons expanded.

let's talk about me.

candid.

I asked a friend of mine to pick one word to describe me and that was his response. I can’t disagree (though brilliant and beautiful were my top two picks). I am candid for many reasons:

1. I don’t know any other way to be.
2. People who beat around the bush and hem and haw drive me nuts.
3. I don’t have time to be anything but.

I know that my candor shocks some (a lot of) people. I have no problem talking and writing about the good, the bad, and the ugly when it comes to having a child with Autism. I enjoy writing about risqué subjects like crotchless panties, the demise of my breasts, and visits with my fine doctor. Making it weird makes my day. The one subject that has taken me a while to open up about is my mental health, and how hard I work to maintain it. It isn’t that I am embarrassed about suffering from depression, or the least bit ashamed. As one of my favourite sayings goes “it is what it is”. I will say that I think there is a stigma attached to taking medication for depression. Many people simply don’t understand it. They think that if you:

• would just eat right and exercise, you wouldn’t need medication.
• got out in the sunshine more, you wouldn’t need medication.
• just decided to have a better attitude, you wouldn’t need medication.

These are people who have never suffered from clinical depression. They don’t know what it is like to not be able to get out of bed in the morning, to feel like it is a monumental effort just to get dressed and eat breakfast. They don’t understand what it is like to feel completely overwhelmed at the very thought of getting through the day, or that pretending that everything is fine is completely exhausting.

But that isn’t what this post is about. It’s about being candid. I suppose if you blog, which is somewhat self-focused you have to be fairly candid, or else what’s the point? I feel like if this blog is going to be anything more than a personal diary, it should have content that is interesting and compelling, if not educational. “Candid” is a wonderful way to be described. While we're on the subject:

 What word would you use to describe me?

what's wrong with max?

In my recent post "autism, ethics, and genetic testing" a few commenters took issue with me writing "We wouldn’t have gone through the agony of searching high and low for an answer as to what was wrong with our son."  I was taken to task for stating that there is something "wrong" with Max.  Being someone who is typically careful with the words I write, I did take these comments seriously.  If you look at the definition of wrong, you may understand my use of the word in a different light.

• Not fitting or suitable; inappropriate or improper
• Not in accord with established usage, method, or procedure
• Unacceptable or undesirable according to social convention
• Not functioning properly; out of order

One only has to read the daily feedback journal I get from his junior kindergarten teacher to know that his behaviour is often not fitting, suitable or appropriate.  While this behaviour doesn't make Max bad, it is in actuality "wrong".  That's not to say we won't be able to teach him the proper way to behave in different settings - he just doesn't pick it up on his own like his neurotypical peers.

Because Max doesn't learn from his environment, he often behaves not in accord with established usage, method, or procedure. Again, the reason he is in such intensive therapy at such an early age is to get him to a point where he can figure this stuff out on his own.  He is not there yet, but we have high hopes that one day he will be.

Often his behaviour is unacceptable and undesirable according to social convention. You only have to spend a few minutes with Max to see this. Whether it is him screaming non-stop every time the back door is opened and not immediately closed, demanding to eat food only out of the original container it came from the store in, or refusing to take his shoes off, even when he is asleep in bed, or whatever else he cooks up on any given day - they all fit the bill.

Autism is defined as a "pervasive developmental disorder" - which means Max is not able to function properly in social settings, he often does things out of order. So, while it may make some people uncomfortable when I say we wanted to find out what was wrong with Max, we really did want to find out what was wrong with Max. It's as simple as that. When your child is banging his head on the wall to the point that he loses the hair on the back of his head, having meltdowns that last for hours, not able to speak or respond to his own name, feed himself or make eye contact, there is something "wrong" with your kid.  And as a parent, it's your job to get to the bottom of it - whatever words you want to use to describe it.

Fire away.

sisters are annoying.

Cameron loves her her big brother Max.  She wants to know where he is at all times, what he's doing, and she absolutely insists that she be involved whenever possible.  She is fearless, and no matter how many times he pushes her away, smacks her on the head, or pinches her, she comes back for more.  In fact, if I try to separate them, then she gets even madder and tells me "No Mommy! Cami wants to play with Max!". 

Over the past month or so, something has changed.  I'm not sure if Max has just resigned himself to the fact that his little sister is one persistent lass and resistance is futile, or if he has decided she isn't so bad after all, but he is actually starting to be patient with her.  He is starting to joke with her and tease her.  He is starting to play with her.  Last night, as Cameron tried to get Max out of the recliner, he got a glimmer in his eye, pushed her off, making sure not to do it too hard, and smiled as she let out the inevitable "NO MAX, CAMI TOO!".  Scott jumped in to make sure they didn't hurt each other (because Cameron gives it as well as she takes it). 

After a few minutes, Cameron managed to squeeze her way back in and this time, Max did not push her off the recliner, and he stayed put.  They sat like that for almost an hour, watching Iggle Piggle Pop or whatever that freaky show is with the funny little people and beings and sleepy time music.  For all the hours and dollars that are put into Max's therapy, I would put money on the fact that Cameron is every bit as effective.  She's like our mini take home IBI therapist.  Poor Max, he NEVER gets a break.  ;-)

litterless lunch.

Friday night is always met with a sigh of relief by me, and probably not for the reasons you think.  Sure, not having to get up at 6a.m. and hustle everyone out the door to do multiple kiddo drop-offs and then get myself to work is a nice.  But what I'm really happy about is that I don't have to make Max's lunch and snacks for the next morning.  As you can see, Max is a kid who can eat.  Gone are the days of a pb sandwich, apple, carton of milk and a chocolate chip cookie.  This kid loves fruit, vegetables, salty snacks and milk.  Add to that he has a nutrition break, lunch, and a snack in the afternoon that all need to be provided for and I have my work cut out for me.  Today alone I sent him to school with blueberries, pineapple, watermelon, celery, tomatoes, a ham sandwich, chips, cheese rice cakes, 2 cheese sticks, and 2 containers of milk.  It's no wonder he has two lunch boxes (each with their own freezer pack).  And it gets better.

Max's school is super green.  They have an Eco Team.  Trash bins are hard to find.  Every room has tonnes of recycling and compost bins.  And best of all, parents are told to send their children with a "litterless" lunch.  I think this is terrific.  I don't mind using reusable containers for Max's lunch.  I will admit that it feels a little ridiculous though, when I'm removing cheese sticks from their wrappers and putting them in a container just so it can appear that we are truly "litterless".  There is also the matter of needing to label every lid and container bottom to ensure that what Max is sent to school with is returned home at the end of the day.  You all know that I'm an honourary Mabel's girl at heart, so it shouldn't surprise you to see Max's name clear as day on everything that he leaves the house with.  My only hope out of all of this is that Mabel's Labels is getting mad business out of all these new programs that are attempting to put the folks at ziplock out of business (and no I'm not getting paid to write this post).  I just dig their stuff!

The silver lining is that Monday is the beginning of the milk program at Max's school, so I will have one less thing to pack!  Gotta take joy in the small things, right?

i don't care, okay?

One of the great lessons having a son with Autism has taught me is how to weed out the important shit from the truly meaningless shit in the blink of an eye.  And it isn't that your important shit doesn't matter, it just doesn't matter to me.  I mean, not if in actuality your important shit is really just meaningless shit that you think is important.  I think I just set a new record for myself in the number of times I used the word shit in an opening paragraph (6 if you're counting).

Now, if your important shit (7) is truly important?  I promise I will care.  Really.  I mean, I may not call you back right away, or respond to your bbm, or text or email, but man, I'm thinking about you.  In that minute I have between parking my car at work and sitting down in my office, you are absolutely 100% occupying my thoughts (that and me trying to remember if it was just milk and maple syrup I was supposed to pick up at the grocery store on my lunch or was there something else too...?)  Man, I sound like a preoccupied asshole, don't I?

Who am I kidding?  I really don't have the emotional capacity to take on anyone else's shit (8) right now.  I am getting better at being honest about this and is it ever liberating!  I can't even count the number of times I have told people "no, I can't do that", "no, that isn't going to happen", and "no, I won't be going to that thing you invited me to" in the last month (it's likely in the double digits).

I am still willing to listen to your shit (9) if you want me to.  You just need to be prepared that I'm not going to pussyfoot around the issue and be all gentle with your feelings.  I am going to tell you what I think, be blunt as hell, and you can take it or leave it.

example:
friend-a: omg! I am so PISSED at him! I can't believe he did that! I'm going to call so-and-so and get him in trouble!!
me: I don't support that.  That is a poor idea.
friend-a: I am totally going to do it and then I'm going to call him and tell him I did it and then we'll see who's mad!
me: You should really get a life and just focus on the good things you have going for you.  This behaviour is only going to make you more upset and get you nowhere.
friend-a: I'm gonna do it!
me: I suggest you go buy a big bottle of wine and/or a 2-4 of beer and chill out. But you're going to do what you're going to do, so whatever.  Gotta go - cya.

In the past I probably would have let friend-a go on and on and on about his or her feelings.  I would have let friend-a vent, told friend-a that I totally understood why he or she was mad.  I would explore possible options for how friend-a could resolve the situation and work  towards feeling better.  Now all I have is "pull your head out of your ass, go get hammered, and be sure not to drunk dial anyone".

Huh.  I'm not sure if this makes me a bad friend or not?  At least I'm not enabling anyone...btw - if you like my shirt, it's by Natalie Dee and you can buy it here.  And, do you think my thumbs look big in this picture?  I feel like I might be channeling a little Uma Thurman/Sissy Hankshaw.   I guess if that's my worst problem (it's not) I'm doing okay.

autism, ethics, and genetic testing.

The interview Scott and I gave to the CBC yesterday about new research findings that have pinpointed a genetic test for Autism has had my mind spinning for the last 24 hours.

What if?

What if Scott and I had undergone genetic testing before we were married to see if we were a good match for reproducing together? If we had been told that a child we created would likely be diagnosed with some form of Autism, would we have gotten married? If we had decided to get married anyway, would we have decided not to have children?

What if I had found out at my 12 week checkup and ultrasound that the fetus I was carrying would be born with Autism? Would I have continued the pregnancy? Would I have even considered having a second child once I knew the risk?

To me, those are all the “what ifs” that are negative, because different decisions we might have made with this information would unravel the life we have now.

But, what if when Max was born he was tested for Autism right away? We would have known what was going on with him. He could have started treatment immediately. We wouldn’t have gone through the agony of searching high and low for an answer as to what was wrong with our son. We wouldn’t have had to beg healthcare professionals to take our concerns seriously. Max would have been better understood. He would never have been locked in a closet by a frustrated daycare teacher. What if.

I am a huge believer in having as much information as possible to make an informed decision. But we are all born perfect in our own right, and we all have “flaws” that make us who we are. While I am no fan of Autism, the idea of not having Max as my son crushes me. The world needs different kinds of thinkers. Individuals with special needs and differences are what teach us humanity, tolerance, and acceptance. There is a beauty in Max that one only understands upon meeting him. His life has value. I’m glad I didn’t know before we had him that there was a chance he would have Autism. But I wish we could have known he had Autism so much earlier, because we could have started helping him sooner.

Genetic testing is a very powerful tool. It needs to be used responsibly.

tune in tokyo.

Scott and I were interviewed by Kelly Crowe from CBC News this morning regarding a new report published in today's issue of the journal Science of the Translational Medicine in which researchers at Toronto's Hospital for Sick Children and the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health announce they have discovered specific genetic alterations on the X chromosome that increase the risk of developing autism. 

From what I understand, a small portion of the interview will air tonight on The National from 10pm to 11pm EST and the local Toronto CBC News from 5-6:30pm as well.  Check your local listings for the channel.  If you follow @scottcarefoot and @ficklefeline on twitter we'll let you know exactly when the segment is going to start.  It will also be on CBC radio and online.  I'll post the link once I have it.   And don't blink - you might miss it!  Thank goodness I got my hair done this past weekend....

Edited to add:

Here's the link! Fast forward to 14:00

Also, Max opened the National news tonight:

Here is the version that was run on the National news - different from the local news (better!):

tmi tuesday: five lists of five.

First things first, I stole this from schmutzie.

Things That I Don't Do Anymore:

1. Mud wrestle.
2. Take long luxurious baths until my fingers prune up and the water gets cold (post mud wrestling).
3. Lift my skirt up over my head so the world can see my underwear (at least not in public).
4. Go to the bathroom without having an ongoing dialogue about what the outcome will be (and how awesome I am for doing whatever it is I'm doing in the potty).
5. Scream “NO” every time I don’t like something and throw myself on the floor (tempting!).

The Most Disgusting Things I Ever Ate:
1. Pistachio pudding (see "no hard things in soft things manifesto")
2. Mayonnaise (call it miracle whip or whatever you want, the shit is disgusting)
3. Clamato (clam juice mixed with tomato juice…super yuck and a Canadian invention to boot!)
4. Turkish “Delight” (I blame Lulu)
5. “Tea” Scott made for me one morning where he mistakenly poured coffee over the tea bag, dumped the coffee out and then poured water in the same cup (using the coffee soaked teabag!)

Favourite Words With Double Vowels In Them Such As AA, OO, or UU:
bazaar
muumuu
shiitake
laager
safariing

Things Which Are Clear Indications That Your Boss Is a Freak and You Should Seek New Employment:
1. You fantasize about dumping your coffee in her lap. A lot.
2. Your boss comes to work with the security tag attached to her new suit jacket and asks you to take it back to the store and have the tag removed – with no receipt (this really happened).
3. Your boss asks you to write “thanks but no thanks” letters to all of the nannies she interviewed for her kids and then sign and mail them for her (same boss as #2).
4. Your boss informs you that when you are eventually let go, they will use the money they are saving by not paying you to buy new office equipment (this happened to Scott by a very well known direct marketer).
5. Your boss openly mocks employees for being upset that a team member has been laid off because the person “only” worked in Q&A and who really cares anyway (this happened to me by another well known direct marketer).

People of the Internet Who Never Fail to Make Me Feel Good:
Julie Cole
Natalie Dee
Allie Brosh
Deb Rox
Jenny Lawson

what's in your makeup bag?

As you may or may not have noticed, I don’t have advertising on my blog. I have participated in a few campaigns here and there that basically entail me writing about a topic and getting sponsored by a company to do so - but that’s about it. While I know that a lot of bloggers count on advertising on their blogs as part of their income, I really don’t get the kind of traffic that would make putting a bunch of ads on my site worthwhile.  I use my blog as a creative outlet and a place to share my story.  I am totally open to advertising, but I'm selective and I prefer that it tie in with my content so it is relevant to my readers.

I am fascinated by how companies/brands are trying to work with bloggers to advertise their products. Since I’m a small fish in this ocean of bloggers, I don’t get a lot of requests/offers, and trust me, I’m just fine with that. While giveaways are nice, I really don’t need to win a box of cereal for entering a contest. I’m not interested in running a draw on my site for my readers to win a $25 gift card either. So while the powers that be figure out an effective way to work with each other that actually brings value to everyone (brands, bloggers and readers), I thought I’d give away a little free advertising on my site. Just like that – because these are actually products that I really like and I want to recommend, and I don’t need to get paid to do that (not that there is anything wrong with getting paid!).

So, in complete random order, this is what's in my makeup bag:

eos lip balm - got it free in my BlogHer 2009 attendee bag
Covergirl “clean” powder compact (ivory) - because I’m a ghost
Covergirl “invisible” concealer (fair) – because I'm a ghost with zits
Covergirl lash blast luxe mascara (855) – tickles my eyelashes when I apply it but goes on without clumping or any of that nonsense
Covergirl outlast lipstain (450) – my girl drew has never steered me wrong – this stuff stays put!
Garnier skin renew anti-dark circle roller – just giving it a try and digging it for sure – much better than hemerhoid cream!
MAC dark brown cream liner – this stuff lasts forever, which is a good thing because I hate going in the MAC store
Tweezerman eyelash curler
2 Clarins “stop imperfections blemish control” – not 100% convinced this works but it wasn’t cheap so I can’t bear to toss it
Henckels sewing scissors – my mom will be PISSED when she finds out I stole them from her
Revlon colourstay foundation for combination/oily skin – still got the crazy skin of a teenager – now improved with wrinkles!
No-name brand makeup sponge - that needs to be replaced...it's nasty
Carmex – never leave home without it
Estee Lauder high gloss lip gloss (10 Rose)
Estee Lauder lip pencil (08 Spice Writer)
3 Estee Lauder lip sticks (116 Candy, 186 Tiger Eye, 187 Sunstone)
3 Elizabeth Arden lip sticks (Desert Rose, Lush Red, Soft Rose)
Glam compact mirror – a gift from Jennifer
Canestan external cream – don’t you just love my 100% openness and candor?

What’s in your makeup bag? And no, I am not sure why I travel with so many lip sticks either.

Next up - my purse and my medicine cabinet (which will prove to be quite scandalous I'm sure).

family is where it's at.

I was chatting with a friend this weekend, my sister-in-law Haschmo, and she told me she doesn't know how Scott and I do it.  I responded that "we do what we have to do and we take each day as it comes".  In Scott and my 12 years together, we have dealt with many ups and many downs.  The downs have taught us much more than the ups.

Money really isn't everything.

A bigger house only means you have more room to accumulate "stuff".

Treasure the happy times.

The only thing of value we have is our time.

Even on the toughest days there are those who have it tougher.

Every morning you wake up with your health, be thankful.

When it's crunch time, you've got your family.  Family is where it's at.  Your family will be your rock and you'll be theirs.