Tuesday, January 26, 2010

TMI Tuesday: No More Babies.

We had been playing Russian roulette with my uterus for months. It's true. And while infrequency might be said to be a form of birth control, it is a less than full proof method. I tried to get Scott to get the snip-snip, but no dice. That left me with some decisions to make. I am a forgetful pill taker and barrier methods leave me cold. After much consideration and va-jay-jay discussions with my girlfriends, I settled on an IUD. Here in lies the TMI Tuesday Tale of what happened next:

As usual, I was running late. I needed to be at the office (a 45 minute drive) in a half hour. But instead of cruising along on the highway sipping my coffee and entertaining other drivers with my car-dancing, I was standing in line at the pharmacy waiting to pick up my IUD which would be inserted the following day. That's when the saga began.

I gave the woman at the counter my name and off she went to get my prescription. She returned with a package the size of a shoe box. I started shaking my head even before I leaned forward and whispered "I think there's been a mistake, I'm here to fill a prescription for an IUD". She looked down at the box, nodded, and pushed it across the counter towards me.

"This is your IUD" she said, not even attempting to be discrete. I didn't understand. I had been told an IUD was tiny, the size of a paperclip! I had given birth to children smaller than this box!

"I, uh, thought it would be smaller" I mumbled, wondering to myself "what the hell am I getting into here?". She smiled at me, finally understanding.

"The actual device is small. The box includes the applicator, and has packaging to keep everything sterile" she explained. "Plus, they need a big box to fit all this marketing stuff on it" she winked.

"Hmmm..." I said. "I'm on my way to work. I can leave this in my car, right?" My brain went into fast forward mode as I pictured myself trying to hide this massive box under my coat as I greeted people in the office. Yikes. She shook her head at me.

"It has to remain at room temperature". For a brief second, I contemplated throwing in the towel on the whole procedure. Maybe a third child wouldn't be that bad. I mean, Scott and I make cute babies...right? Alas, I took the massive box and tucked it under my arm. As I walked out of the pharmacy, I just felt like everyone was staring at me, knowing that the box I was trying to hide was a FORM OF BIRTH CONTROL THAT WOULD SOON BE PLACED SEMI-PERMANENTLY IN MY VA-JAY-JAY.

As I drove to work, I eyed the dreaded box, taunting me from the passenger seat. The only bag I had with me was my laptop bag, already jam packed. I decided to take my laptop out, so that I could keep my precious IUD warm. Again I suspected that everyone was staring at me as I tried to stroll into the office like it was normal to carry one's laptop under your arm while your laptop bag was stuffed with massive birth control devices meant to enable my clearly overactive sex life. But I digress, because it only gets better from here on out.

After settling in, IUD tucked under my desk, I got a suspicious call from my boss to meet him at a restaurant to "talk". Oh boy. That didn't sound any good to me. I packed my stuff, jammed my laptop into my now bulging laptop bag and left the office. As I parked my car, I realized I had to bring all my gear into the restaurant, lest my IUD freeze and lose its efficacy. I tried to look calm and collected as I strolled into the restaurant, saddled with enough bags to make a camel proud.

I sat down at the table, and as he launched into his shpeel, all I could think about was the IUD pulsing in my laptop bag like a glowing orb. He motioned towards the bag, saying something about the need to return equipment. My gawd. What do I do? Open up the bag, put the IUD on the table as I fish out my laptop? Quick thinking saved the day and I coolly informed him I had photos I needed to remove and that I would return it in a few days. I saddled up my gear and left, my IUD peaking out of the corner of my laptop bag, likely pleased with itself for creating such a ruckus.

That evening, after perhaps a few glasses of wine (okay, I drank the whole bottle), I went to bed, forgetting to insert the medication into my va-jay-jay that would soften my cervix up so that it didn't feel like the doctor was trying to kill me when he inserted my shoebox sized IUD. I realized my error upon waking and sheepishly called my doctor's office to reschedule my appointment. I was beginning to think I was not meant to get this IUD put in...

Fast forward a week later, pills inserted as instructed, cervix prepped, I cart my IUD off to the doctor's office for the big show. Hell, I even did some grooming to make sure ladytown was ready for her moment in lights. The doctor walked me through the procedure, told me to undress, and that he would return momentarily. I pondered whether or not to keep my socks on, and decided that yes, they could stay. I mean, I went to the effort of providing a clean workspace, there was no need for my doctor to know I had also gotten a pedicure (blush).

He knocked on the door, and entered. His nurse followed behind him and they got the IUD out and prepared for the procedure. He complemented me for leaving my socks on. I knew that was the right call. He did not complement me on the clean work space, but I am absolutely sure as he cranked me open, he appreciated my efforts. But wait. Just as I started to relax a bit, thinking this embarassing experience was about to be over, my doctor says "Huh, that's interesting."

Let's be clear. These are not the words you want to hear when your feet are in the stirrups, your va-jay-jay is under a spot light, and your doctor has his back to you.

"Everything okay over there?" I asked.

"Yes, I think so. It's just that the IUD came already in the applicator and I can't get it to retract". He consulted with the nurse, who looked quite concerned. They huddled over my now smirking IUD and tried to make it do whatever it is that it should be doing. I heard her whisper something about calling the pharmacy in their building to get another one. She left the room and returned a few minutes later looking grim. They continued to try to bend this IUD to their wills. And all this time, I lay there, my butt cheeks kissing the edge of the exam table, legs spread, va-jay-jay seeing more action in one day than she had seen in the past year.

"Okay," he said. "I think I've got it". I think. Again, n0t something you want to hear when someone is about to pierce your cervix with a foreign object. Having already told him about the entertaining moments leading up to my appointment, I commented dryly "well, let's hope it all works out because this story really is a let down if we don't go all the way".

"This is going to pinch a bit," he said as he stabbed me. I looked over at the nurse incredulously, as if to say, "can you believe him? As if he has ANY IDEA what this feels like". I did those quick short breaths you always see pregnant ladies do in Lamaze classes on tv shows, thinking it would help the "mild discomfort" I was "experiencing". No such luck, so I opted to turn white as a sheet and grip the side of the table instead.

And then it was over. Just like that. I was told no sexy time for a few days, that there would be some cramping and spotting. And I was free to go. Really a let down, all things considered. I got dressed, walked around the room to see if I felt any different (which I did) and left the office, trying not to walk like a cowboy.

Two months later, me and my IUD, we're alright. And I've stopped carrying that big box around in my laptop bag (turns out that isn't necessary once the IUD is inserted). Go figure.

10 comments:

  1. Sweet holy moses that box is ginormous!! I would have reneged on the whole deal the second I saw the shoebox and dragged Scott to the clinic for the snip snip kicking and screaming. Yikes.

    Awesome timing though about lunch with the boss. Hilarious! At least you got a good story out of the whole ordeal ;)

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  2. i hated my IUD with all my heart. It made me bleed like a stuck pig. I got pregnant with Connor literally within days of having it removed. Now we use the abstinence method..lol Good luck !

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  3. HAHAHA I love it. Sounds like living on the edge.

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  4. I hated mine too for a while, but now I've kind of forgotten its there. But I'm not looking forward to getting it removed if it hurts as much as it did going in.

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  5. Oh how well I know that box! But I didn't get any "softening" medication! And dear GOD you should hear my "insertion" story...

    Doc: "How are you feeling?"
    Me: "Nervous."
    Doc: "Ya, me too."
    ME: ....! (Hoping he's joking.)
    Doc: "I've never done this before."
    Me: ....!

    Then Doc couldn't get it to work WHILE he's inserting it AND he called in an expert to watch him work, who kept saying "NO, like THIS."

    Just a couple of other things you never wanted your doctor to say, for the record.

    Going to someone different for the removal after the wedding so that at least I don't die before I achieve blissful consummation of my relationship.

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  6. Tell Scott he is a W.U.S.S.

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  7. Anonymous8:35 PM

    Yeah, my husband said he never felt more manly than he did after the snip knowing he could have all the sex he wanted with no consequences (i.e. babies!) LOL

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  8. To Scott's defense, I understand not wanting to have a permanent procedure. I didn't want to have one either. Hence the IUD...I don't think he's a wuss at all. If money wasn't an issue, and we could afford to have a maid, extra help, etc I would totally have another kiddo with him. So, yeah...just no babies right now.

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  9. After a years worth of morning sickness and headaches sometimes leading to migraines i had mine removed and Ian got the snip snip. (I am sensitive to hormones) But I just wanted you to know that I literally DID NOT FEEL A THING when it was removed.. The doctor said "All done" before I had even started to hyperventalate! Good luck with the Mirena.

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  10. What a story!
    You write really well.
    I'm scared to get an IUD, but not sure what method to use right now.

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