welcome to the shit show.

I don't know who this lady is, but I wish she'd stop touching the washer/dryer set of my dreams.

Conversation at the Carefoot home last weekend:

Me: not again. Max. Ugh. I am so tired of this. Scott….

Scott: Seriously? Again? What is that, the fourth time today?

Me: Yes.

Scott: We live in a god damn monkey cage.

Me: I don’t think I have it in me to scrub shit out of the carpet one more time.

This is a sensitive topic. One that I have delayed writing about because I like to focus on the positive stuff with Max, and quite frankly, this subject is one I prefer not to think about.

We started toilet training Max during the summer of 2009. It has been an ongoing process, one that we have yet to see the other side of. For the most part, Max urinates in the toilet. There are certain people he will not do this for (new therapists tend to get the worst of it), but as long as we take him to the toilet on an hourly basis, he does not wet himself. I should point out that he has to be prompted to go to the toilet, and he typically complains by whining or crying (depending on who is taking him). The funny thing is that once he pees, he looks overjoyed and loves the praise he gets for eliminating in the toilet.

That's right, "eliminating".  We have all sorts of pc ways of saying "peeing in the potty". Pee is not pee, it is referred to as #1 or urinating.  Even though I feel like screaming "I can't believe you just pissed all over the front hallway" when Max gleefully hoses down anything within stream, I have to remain calm.  Ideally, I will give no reaction at all because any response will be deemed as reinforcement of the behaviour.

Back to eliminating though.  Poop is not poop, it is referred to as #2, defecating or preferably "BM" (bowel movement).  Having spent almost every morning of the last 3 months scrubbing shit out of our carpet, wiping down walls, and doing endless loads of laundry on "hot" with tide with bleach, I can tell you that when you are knee deep in it, "BM" is not what you are calling it.

The most frustrating thing about Max's behaviour is that he actually knows when he needs to have a BM (I'm going to refer to it as such for the remainder of this blog for the more sensitive of my readers).   Many mornings he will hop out of bed, remove his pull-up, squat and have a BM on the floor.  Of course, that isn't good enough, he then steps in it and jumps back into bed.  Imagine waking up to that every damn day.

We are doing our best to break this habit/behaviour/love of poop by getting up much earlier and waking Max up before he has a chance to do his thing.  From a behaviour training perspective, all we can do is positive reinforcement (which is a stretch in the absence of the behaviour).  "Yay Max! Good job keeping your pants on!" doesn't outweigh whatever joy he is getting out of taking a big ol' dump on his bedroom floor (and the $400 rug I lovingly selected for his room before he was born).  Better yet, given the opportunity, he will sneak off during the day to repeat the behaviour, so weekends are always an adventure.

So when I tweet:


@scottcarefoot I would like a candy apple red front loading @GE_Applicances washer/dryer set for Valentine's day. HOT!


I am not kidding.  Unfortunately, this is not in the budget so no washer/dryer set for me (big sigh).  I should count my blessings for the 11 year old-on its last legs-apartment size top/bottom unit we have.  A lot of folks would have to go to the laundromat on a daily basis if they were dealing with this!  Excuse me while I go and put another load in. 

Mental Health Monday: Still Standing.

Potty training damn near killed me. Seriously. Who knew it was such a nightmare (and so exhausting - as shown by Max's siesta on Sunday afternoon)? Well, everyone, actually. I was warned that it is tiring, completely stressful, will drive you to drink, and make you think terrible thoughts about your child. I still had no clue.

We're just shy of the 2 week mark - 13 days to be exact. I am proud to say that Max totally gets the peeing in the potty business. He has it down, pretty much. We take him every 20 to 25 minutes, he sits down on the singing potty, looks thoughtful, looks down, makes the magic happen and then smiles at me like he just laid a golden egg. Then I cheer, and give him a chip. Then he looks at me, pees a little more, and I give him another chip. Wait a minute...I think he's playing me. But who really cares? Point is, kid is peeing in the potty - woo hoo Max!

He still has a few accidents here and there, and pooping in the potty, well, let's not get crazy now. He's done it twice by accident, but prefers to soil his pull-up before we get him up in the morning. I can live with that. I know he'll get it soon enough. I told Scott the other day that a year from now, we could be diaper free (assuming Cameron potty trains around 2 years of age). Think of the bliss! No more diapers. No more spending the equivalent of great concert tickets on landfill waste. No more diaper pail. Hey, a girl can dream, right?

Drink Up.

We're on Day 5 of toilet training Max. Part of this process involves pumping him full of liquids so that he has to go to the bathroom a lot. I'm also taking this opportunity to pump myself full of liquids. Take that any way you want. During my 3.5 hour marathon session with Max in the bathroom last night I may or may not have texted Scott to bring me a drink NOW! I'd challenge anyone to hang out with a 3 year old in a 5 x 4 room for the better part of an evening and not make the same request.

The great thing about toilet training is that everyone is full of advice. Dr.Phil can apparently toilet train a kid in 3 days. I invite him to join us Chez Carefoot to show us how. I've been told we should be modeling peeing in the potty for Max. Dudes. We've been doing that since the kid was born. There is no privacy once you have children. There is no peeing without someone trying to crawl in your lap. My kids know about doing the business in the toilet. And just like most things in life, knowing how and following through are two different things altogether.

The thing to keep in mind, is that for the majority of children (regular or special needs), toilet training is hard. Sure there are the brilliant BMers who put on a pair of gaunch and never look back, never have an accident, never wet their beds...these are the same mythical children who slept through the night as babies with nary a peep from the day they came home from the hospital. And you know what I want to say to these parents who think they have cracked the nut on toilet training? GFY. That can mean "Good For You", or something entirely different, you choose.

We are using the Behaviour approach to toilet training. This means that we don't use pull-ups during the day. Max wears only underwear and shorts. We put him on the toilet every 15 minutes, and we keep him on for a minimum of 2 minutes. Then we chart whether or not he was wet, dirty or dry and if he urinated or BM'd during his bathroom visit. If he's wet, we make him touch his wet shorts and underwear so he understands that him peeing made his pants wet, and we tell him "pee goes in the potty".  If he urinates or has a BM, we make a big happy to do about it and reward him with M&Ms.  Then we help him get dressed, wash his hands and try to get him to drink more liquids so we can do it all again in 15 minutes. Yeah it sucks. Yeah it's exhausting. But the kid peed in the potty 5 times today. Not bad for only 5 days into this Potty Training Adventure.

Scott and I are completely wiped out. Our team at blueballoon is providing intensive support right now, and on top of his regular IBI session this morning, two of his therapists spent the day at the house to keep him on track, do some parent coaching, and make sure that he has enough successful trips to the bathroom that he starts to understand how to make the magic happen. They are experts at handling his objections and his tantrums, and they also know how to make going to the potty fun. Seriously, I never would have thought about having a bag full of fun toys that you only get to play with when you are sitting on the potty. Max now wants to go to the bathroom because of all the cool stuff he gets to do while he is parked on the can.  Kind of similar to my Vanity Fair sitting on the back of the toilet for me.

For the next two days, Scott and I are flying solo on the potty training (though we have an emergency blueballoon help line set up to call for advice should we have any problems). Then Tuesday through Friday I will be staying home with Max in the mornings to keep him on track. Our goal is that after 10 days of intensive toilet training he will be able to stay dry between scheduled visits to the bathroom (which will be every 30 to 40 minutes). The increased hours in therapy are costly, but I'm looking at the big picture and thinking that the dollars saved in buying diapers will make it a positive return on investment in a few months. That and one less butt to change won't be a bad thing. Now excuse me while I go top up my beverage...

Three Cheers For Poop.

Never in my life did I think I would call my child over to look at my poop. Never. Disgusting, right? Now, we've all taken a look at our own BM's (bowel movements for those that haven't discussed poop extensively in a clinical setting), perhaps been impressed or grossed out, but that's between you and you, and is extremely personal. But how do you toilet train an Autistic child who isn't speaking yet, and rarely makes nonverbal requests (unless you include gesticulating wildly when he catches a glimpse of Rice Krispie squares on the kitchen counter)? Modeling the appropriate behaviour is one way (hence showing Max my poop). Another key part of toilet training for a child with Autism is getting him used to the routine of toileting, even before he is actually ready to toilet train.

Read the rest of this post on Autism Sucks.