Friday, November 25, 2005

The "Joys" of Being Preggo.

She's gotta have this baby any day now!The other night Jennifer and I were chatting on the phone and the topic of being pregnant came up. It's interesting really, how different people think about their own pregnancies and the pregnancies of others. Take me for example. I was very excited and there were a few key people that I told the moment I found out I was "in the family way". Mainly my mom and my friend Jennifer. See, they both knew how important this was to me and they were both really excited. We let a few other friends know early on, but then we zipped our mouths shut about it and waited until we got past the 12 week mark to share our news. When we did tell people, it wasn't that big a deal. We waited until we happened to be talking with people on the phone, or when we saw our friends. But, really, while the fact that we are having a kid is interesting news, it doesn't change anyone else's lives. We knew that and didn't make a huge deal about it. I've experienced the other side of it though, the huge "secrecy" of it all, the pecking order of who can be "in the know" and who needs to be "kept in the dark". Sounds like a bunch of bullshit to me. Billions of women have had babies before me and billions of women will have them after me. While it's awesome and beautiful and scary as hell, it isn't really all that spectacular. In fact, as I ran down the glorious list of pregnancy symptoms, I had Jennifer in stitches.

For your interest, here are the facts:

- That pregnancy glow that people talk about, it is more of a flush and you are flushed because you are always boiling hot and sweaty
- You break out like a teenager, you get nose bleeds that would make special effects departments proud
- Your hair gets weird and funky on you, some days it is limp, some days it goes hay wire

- From the minute you find out your are pregnant until about 12 weeks, you feel pretty much like you want to die (it feels like it will never ever end)
- You dry heave every time your brush your teeth (this lasts the entire pregnancy), your dental hygienist gives you the gears for not flossing more (bitch!)

- You have to eat at least every two hours, and if you don't you get dizzy and feel like you are going to pass out
- When you need to eat, you need to eat NOW
- Things that you used to love to eat are completely unappealing (example - Thai food)
- Things that used to smell good now smell like urine

- The constant peeing is a real pain and time sucker, I swear I have a reserve bladder that is always full
- For the first time in your life, you can out-fart any male you know and your farts will smell so bad that your cat may bite you out of disgust
- When you manage to "go #2" you feel like you want to sing to the heavens in appreciation. You are so excited, you may or may not mention it to your spouse

- At some point in the 2nd trimester, your stomach muscles give up the ghost. Then you need your husband/partner/whoever to push you out of bed, lest you end up stuck there flailing your arms and legs like a turtle
- Your waist line gets wider by the day and you swear if you get any wider you will in fact be mistaken for a pie wagon

- Your boobs, at first they hurt like they have NEVER hurt before, and they get about 2 cups sizes bigger, almost immediately. Then they get hard as rocks, like you had a boob job, except they aren't nearly as perky as they would be if you had a boob job (more like torpedoes shooting at your belly button)

- Getting up 2 - 3 times a night to pee, really messes up the whole sleep thing
- 9pm is your new bedtime, you can't imagine how you used to stay up to watch Saturday Night Live

General Life skills:
- You become the klutziest person on the face of the earth (breaking dishes, dropping the cat food container in mid air, knocking random potted plants over)
- You can't remember basic things, your husband/partner will use this to play tricks on you

And those are just the things I have experienced so far, I still have 22 more weeks to go! Now, don't think that I am complaining, these are mere observations and comments. I mostly take them with a grain of salt and a lot of laughter. I am thrilled to be having a baby. But anyone who tells you how wonderful it is to be pregnant, and how "great" they feel, they are either lying or insane (though the 2nd trimester is MUCH better than the first). The end result is worth it, but while you are in it, you wonder what the hell you were thinking.


  1. LMAO!!! Girl, I need to save this list, just in case I go mad and get married and go the family way. You had me laughing my head off.

    Why would folks be mad if you didn't tell them from jump? That's silly for them to think that way. It's yours and Scotta's business...and there are a few people that of course, have to know from the beginning (like Mom).

    I was just honoured that you told me, that's all.

    My mommy told me that when she was gone the family way, she could no longer stand the smell of cooking chicken. It made her violently ill.

    But anyone who tells you how wonderful it is to be pregnant, and how "great" they feel, they are either lying or insane


  2. I'm glad that I was able to make you laugh - the things your body does...amazing and scary I tell ya!

    We didn't have anyone get mad at us, but I do know of other people who have been really weird about telling people, like they have their "A" list friends they told right away and their "B" list friends that they waited to tell. Just weird and unnecessary in my opinion. Then there are the people that act like the fact that they are having a baby is as big as if they found a cure for cancer. Whatever! Domestic Goddess said it is weird congratulating your friends on having a successful sex life, and I couldn't agree with her more ;-)

  3. Anonymous1:35 p.m.

    This was hilarious!

    Honestly, if there's stuff like "A" list and "B" listing - that's pretty sad. People think waaay too much of themselves!

    Love your chronicles of being a pregnant lady!

  4. So when do we get to see lovely preggie pictures of you!? Hmmm??? :)

  5. I'll have to get Scott to take a belly shot this week...

  6. Anonymous11:21 a.m.

    Your list is spot on! And I completely agree with you one the "anyone who says it's wonderful is lying" thing. You forgot the heartburn though. :)

    Nice to 'meet' you!

  7. that list scared me into celibacy... hahahaha