Thursday, February 05, 2009

And Finally, Tears.

Today as one of those days that you just know you have to get through. Cameron woke up at 4:30am with a fever. Nothing would console her. Max was awake too, rocking in his bed, banging his head against his padded headboard, shaking the house. Every time I coughed or sneezed, Cameron would start to cry again. She happened to have her 9 month checkup scheduled for 2pm, so I didn't bother taking her to the walk-in clinic. I probably should have, since she was so sick. She wouldn't let me put her down without crying, and when I gave her a bath to try to break her fever, she held onto her rubber ducky for dear life and sobbed.

By 1:15pm, I had her bundled up in her car seat and ready to go. If you live in Ontario, you know that today was wicked cold. The car was all packed, and I took a deep breath to calm myself. Key in the ignition, and turn, and turn, and nothing. Nothing. The car wouldn't start. And Cameron was screaming. And I was cold and tired. And suddenly, so, so sad. All the tears I had been holding back since December 2nd when the doctor looked at me and said the word "Autism" started to flow. I knew they were in there somewhere, but I had no idea there were so many.

My car won't start, my baby is sick, how will I pick Max up from daycare, it's 1:11pm - make a wish that Max will be okay one day, I don't have any cash in my wallet, my son is not like other people's kids, my son doesn't talk, my son can't say he loves me, my son can't say mama. My baby boy needs so much more than I can give him, and when I reach out to those that should help, they nod and say "yeah, that's too bad, uh huh", and then nothing changes. MPPs are full of shit, and the system is corrupt. My friends must dread talking to me because all I can talk about is how worried I am about Max. I want so badly to stay positive, but right now, I feel so, so down. And most of all, I am really tired of pretending I am strong.

Not pretty thoughts going through my head, but honest. Lucky for me, my mother-in-law answered the phone when I called her, and was able to calm me down by telling me it would be okay, and to take the baby to the clinic, and she would cancel the doctor's appointment for me, and she would pick Max up. So I loaded Cameron into the stroller, covered her with a blanket and walked to the clinic, my tears freezing to my face. By the time I got there, I wasn't so overwhelmed, and the tears had passed. I was just tired. In a weird way, it felt like a relief to have finally cried. I knew the tears would come eventually, I just never imagined they would be brought on my dead car battery.


  1. Sometimes you just don't know what your breaking point will be. Poor baby, poor mom! I will look up some ear infection stuff for you and ask my naturopath friend.

    It makes me remember coming home from Toronto when David had been in Austrailia for three weeks and hurt himself and my train was two hours late and I hadn't eaten and it was cold and when I got to my car it was completely covered in snow and I had to call Megan and cry until she paid for my cab home and gave me pizza.

    Hang in there, lady.


  2. Being a woman ain't for cowards. And you are pretty much the strongest woman I know, lady.

    Your son is saying Mama in his heart every day. One day he'll say it out loud, I know it.

    A. xo

  3. Anonymous10:07 p.m.

    We ALL have those days, and being reduced to tears doesn't make you weak. You are an incredibly strong person, and a wonderful mom.

    And that boy of yours loves you more than you could ever imagine - he'll say it in words one day, just you wait.

    You are the centre of the universe to two babies who couldn't live a single day without you. Keep strong.

  4. Anonymous11:08 a.m.

    Do you give the baby cow milk? My son had chronic ear infections as a baby. A naturopath said to take him off milk and the ear infections went away.

  5. Thank you so much for your support. I am a lucky lady to have such wonderful friends.

    Anon - Cameron is still on breastmilk. I think we have just had some rotten luck!