Sunday, July 17, 2011

the ebb and flow of accepting autism.

There are days when I feel okay about having a child with autism. I feel at peace, like things will be okay. In these moments, I truly feel that we will figure this out and navigate whatever comes at us. On those days, I think to myself "Finally. You've finally comes to terms with this and have accepted that your son autism and you are the parent of a child with autism." For a moment I even think these feelings will last, will be permanent this time. Of course, they are not.

If only it were that easy to resolve one's problems, come to a conclusion, and move on to the next challenge. A friend of mine once said that "the secret to life is keeping busy". I liked that idea a lot. As long as you stay in motion, whatever is troubling you doesn't have a chance to settle in and get you down. Just keep moving. It works sometimes, when things are too hard to process, when you aren't ready to do the work. Of course, the work that needs to be done waits for you, gets bigger and more impressive. In the past I have described myself as a hummingbird, fluttering around, and I believe the reason I do this is that I have many things in my life that I am not at peace with, and perhaps never will be. Instead of stopping, doing the work, I flutter my wings and keep moving.

But what if, instead of perpetually staying in motion, you remain still, and sink into the very things you seek to avoid? Truly embrace that which makes you sad, anxious, and fearful. I spend so much time putting on a brave face for others that I buy my own propaganda. In reality, I am still not okay with the fact that my son has autism. I am devastated, and pissed off at the universe, and worn out from this internal battle. And as I sit with these feelings and acknowledge them, I find for the first time in a long while, I am relieved. Because I am listening to my own heart. I am getting closer to the truth.

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