I Am a Sewing Fiend.

One of the presents I was given for my birthday this year, was a class at the Oakville Sewing Centre on machine quilting, along with a free motion and a quilting foot for my sewing machine (thanks mom!). The class ran over the last two Saturday mornings and I just finished it today. I also need to thank my friend Jennifer and Scott's mom (No Nonsense Nana) for watching Cam so I could take these classes.

I have long despised the quilting part of quilting. That makes no sense, right? My favourite part is actually called "piecing", which is the part where you cut out the fabric and sew all the little pieces into blocks, eventually making a quilt top. If I could just hand over my quilt top and have it magically turn into a quilt that you could put on your bed, I'd be okay with that. Seeing as I don't have the budget to pay someone else to do this part for me, I figured I'd better get with the program and learn how to machine quilt (versus hand quilt which I am doing right now on my jelly roll quilt and it is taking FOREVER).

In theory, once you have spent time practicing the skill of machine quilting, you should be able to use your sewing machine to make beautiful designs on your quilt. This is Linda, our teacher and the lovely owner of the Oakville Sewing Centre showing us what we are striving for:The first class covered how to put your free motion foot on your machine, the importance of getting your bobbin thread on top of your fabric (to avoid those nasty bird's nests on the bottom of your fabric that we all know and love), how to move your fabric in different directions while managing your stitch length at the same time, and how to make the simple designs (like hearts! and flowers! and stars! and leaves!) that make up all those complex looking quilt designs you see advanced quilters do. Normally you would use a thread that is a complementary colour or one that actually blends in with the quilt top (unlike the bubble bee theme I'm rocking so that I can see what I'm doing):
The second class covered how to sew a straight line with your free motion foot (harder than it sounds) and move between sewing wavy lines and straight lines. This is me thinking I probably should have indulged in that 3rd cup of coffee this morning before attempting to pull my act together and quilt:
We also learned how to "stitch in the ditch" (normally done with a walking foot), but with a free motion foot. This is a good skill to have for times when you need to be able to move between straight lines and free motion, or when you need to move your fabric in ways that your walking foot can't. It looks easy when Linda does it, but there is definitely skill involved in sewing up and down and side to side in a straight line with even stitches:
It turns out you aren't limited to plain old basic stitches when free motion quilting. You can do embroidery stitches and fun stuff like zig zag stitches (perfect for kids quilts):
The last part of the class was learning how to adjust your tension when using thread with a heavier weight and what type of needle you need to use to make bigger holes in your fabric to accommodate for the thicker thread (something I never would have thought of). At the end we learned how to correctly put your walking foot on your machine, how to line it up perfectly, sew evenly spaced parallel rows, and also how to quilt those cross-hatching effects in square and diamond shaped patterns.
My favourite part of this class was getting to hang out with a group of ladies who love quilting as much as I do. It was a terrific group of quilters with varying skill levels, and I never felt intimidated or crappy for being one of the novice sewers in the room. Somehow Linda manages to keep everyone moving, answer an endless stream of questions coming from every direction and has in depth knowledge of all of the sewing machines in the room (all 9 of us had different makes and models!). I not only learned how to machine quilt (without feeling like I need to curse), but I learned a lot about sewing in general, and how to get my machine to do things I didn't know it could do in the 1st place. I'm excited to get going on my next quilting project so I can try out my new skills. Thank you Linda for your patience and sense of humour!

Joy in the Simple Things.

One of the things that makes me smile every day is the relationship between Max and Cameron. Cameron worships the ground Max walks on. She wants to do everything he does, and pipes up "Cameron too! CAMERON TOOOOO!" when she thinks she may be excluded. But she also doesn't take any guff from him, which is funny as well.



Every night when Max goes up to bed for stories, Cameron rushes up behind him so that I can read her stories as well. She loves the stories with music, so Baby Beluga, Little White Duck, and Where Is The Green Sheep? are standards. She sings along when she feels like it, which is very sweet.



You can tell Cameron is super tired because she gets sad every time I mention bed time. The funny thing is that when I finally put her to bed she complains for an entire 60 seconds and then falls asleep. My kind of girl.

Is It Worth It? Let Me Work It.

I kept it hush hush here on FF (perhaps I'm a bit superstitious?), but since I started working yesterday, I feel like I can finally share it. Yep, you read that right, I'm back to work. Well, part-time for now and full-time come July.

I had to laugh when I got the "how'd it go?" when I got home yesterday. With all the nerves, new threads and names I've already forgotten it really did feel like the first day of school all over again. The good news is, that unlike school, I want to be there, the people are all nice, and I have much better skin.

Being off with Max has been the right thing. The progress that he has made has been amazing, and I'd like to think that him having this one-on-one time with me has contributed to that. It's been hard work, and the challenge is that at the end of the day, there is no recognition for a job well done, there is no thank you, no pay cheque. You forget that you are smart, skilled, highly qualified, and an expert in your field. And on the days when you feel like you sucked at the whole "mom" thing, you have nothing to hang your hat on, because being a mom is your job, your everything. You lose your identity and forget who you are. I'm not knocking the stay at home moms out there. It just isn't something I think I can do forever, not with a child with Autism anyway.

I like dressing for work in the morning - picking out earrings to go with my dress, slipping into heels. I like the time in the car driving to work (it's quiet). I like drinking my coffee without having a child in my lap. I like that for a few hours a day, I am valued for my brain and known as "Katrina the Marketing Manager" and not "MAAAAAAAAAAAAW-MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!". Back to life, back to reality indeed.

Mental Health Monday: Petting Bees.

I seem to have opened the flood gates on the dam of childhood memories. Actually, I'm not sure if I remember this, or it is something that my mom told me about myself as a little girl. The story goes that I found bees to be quite interesting. I got my first bee sting at daycare when I was 3 years old as a result of trying to pet one. I never tried that again.

I respect bees. They work hard. They just want to be left alone to do their thing. And if you mess with them, it's on. They also instill fear in "predators" 1000 times their size. Add to that the fact that they are led by a strong female - and you had me at hello.

I read the book "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd when it first came out in 2003, and I found it very touching, but didn't truly relate to it. It was made into a movie a few years ago, and I recently watched it on TV. I now relate to it deeply, specifically to a character I never in my life imagined I would identify with.

It isn't the super strong August, or the or the stubborn and prideful June. It is the sister named May, who is described as "a bit unusual and not able to cope with sadness". May had a twin sister, April, who died when they were younger. It is said that even before she died, May always experienced the same feelings as April. When April died, something in May died too... It seemed like the world itself became May's twin sister.

I feel vulnerable like May. I avoid sadness like it's the plague. Sad movies, songs, poems, books, TV shows...they can all get stuffed. I rarely read the newspaper for fear that the sadness of the world will overwhelm me. I do my best to support my friends and family when they are down, to hear them out, but I fear I am not very good at it right now. Every day I try to keep my head above water, to not get overwhelmed by the reality of having a child with Autism. I look into Max's eyes and smile, trying to express to him how much I love him, that he is the most special little boy in the world, and I cling to the belief that his future is bright.

To do that, I have to embrace the things that make me happy and turn my back on anything that might pull me into the depths of sorrow. Ice cubes in the shape of stars, lopsided sand castles, butterfly fabric, and car dancing to ridiculous pop songs make my day. Top Model, So You Think You Can Dance, America's Best Dance Crew are some of the best entertainment on TV bar done. Hearing Cam sing "Baby Beluga" out of tune, seeing Max run around the backyard bare foot and finding Scott asleep on the couch with a basketball game blaring make me grin.

I wish I was strong enough to cope with the sad stuff, to hold other peoples' pain. For now all I can muster is sparkly purple nail polish and lady bug barrettes.

Birthdaypalooza 2010: Photo Essay.

Whew! What a weekend. Correction - what a fantastic weekend!! I couldn't have asked for a better Birthdaypalooza than this one. It was three days of fun (and now I'll need three days to recover). Friday (Cam and my birthday) started out super lovely with Scott taking the day off to shuttle the kids to and fro for me. I got to relax all morning, drink my coffee in peace, take a leisurely shower...seriously, I was happy with that, but it got better.

After I dropped Cam's princess flavoured cupcakes off at daycare for her birthday celebration, I went to pick out a bathing suit for myself (the gift I requested from Scott's parents). They have a kick ass pool and up until now, I didn't have a bathing suit I wanted to be seen in). This had the potential of ruining my day.

I had no idea there were so many bathing suits with animal prints:Seriously. Like I need someone to help someone compare me to a large four legged creature while I am walking around in spandex: I waffled between a black one piece and this cute pink and brown tankini. I decided that on my 35th birthday I should a) have some fun and b) buy my 1st two piece bathing suit ever (purely functional = easier to pee in). Yeah, that's me in the change room (don't get too excited):
I got home from the mall, ate the tasty Thai food lunch I picked up for myself (with a glass of Pinot Grigio to wet my whistle) and moments later my oldest friend and honourary sister Jennifer appeared. And then a surprise gift from my mom appeared (who doesn't love a Hello Kitty themed fruit basket?!!).
Jennifer and I went shoe shopping (I bought myself a pair of mephisto sandals) and then hit the spa where I had a crazy massage that involved wearing disposable panties (a 1st!), getting exfoliated and rubbed down with mud from head to toe, and wrapped in foil blanket while I had a scalp massage. Then I got into a tub with a 100 jets (woo!!) and once I was all cleaned up, I had a Swedish massage. Yay me. Jennifer met me after that and we had a manicure and pedicure. Not too shabby, eh?

We got home to find Scott feeding the kids dinner (I could get used to this!!). Jennifer gave the kids their birthday presents, which included a stuffed unicorn and elephant by Meeka's Creations along with new books. Cam named her unicorn "Charlie". Before bed Max, Cam, Jennifer, and I played the Honey Bee game for a while. We also played another game that involved catapulting monkeys into a wobbly tree. Cam was way better at it then the rest of us. Go figure.On Saturday morning, I got up and went to part one of a sewing class on machine quilting at the Oakville Sewing Centre (a birthday gift from my mom). More on that later as it deserves its own post. I will tip my hand and say it was A LOT of fun, and yes, I was the baby of the group at 35 years young (hah).

I returned home in time to help get the house ready for the Birthdaypalooza Party. Max was busy showing his Aunt Jenny that he has sorted out the whole flying business:
Aunt Jenny (the official Birthdaypalooza Photographer) also took this picture of Max and Cam being super friggin' cute while I was at my quilting class. This is my new favourite picture of them together. I love that Max is touching Cam with both his hands (or maybe he's getting ready to pinch her??):
I opted to go with a cupcake platter instead of birthday cakes like last year. While the whole blowing the candles out might have been a good moment to get a picture of, I find the business of herding everyone together to surround young children to sing a crazy song all loud and out of tune while you present them with a flaming dessert to be a bit stressful. My goal for this party was that I just wanted Max and Cam to have fun and for Scott and me to not get too stressed out. So ix-nay on the candles and singing.Cam LOVED the cupcakes (the Prince ones were her favourite): I'm not sure who Cameron is looking at in this picture, but I have a feeling they are teasing her about her cupcake consumption. I don't think she cares what this person thinks:
Max enjoyed hanging out in his new playhouse. I think his friend Charlotte was in with him at this point (he's looking at his Aunt Jenny as if to say "hey, you're cramping my style...."):
Our friends Jenn and Dave brought their son Jack to the party:
They also brought the wonderful Emma. In this picture Dave is explaining to her that "no, their backyard isn't overgrown with weeds, this is called "English Garden Style". Clearly she isn't buying it:
Our friend David brought his son Kai out to O-town for the party. I hear tell that Kai is skipping kindergarten and going straight into the NBA (take THAT David Stern!):
Aunt Jenny passed her camera to someone else to get a picture of her and the super cute Ronan:
Ronan's big sis Charlotte (future brainiac and super model) had an amazing time partying with all the kids:
Our 3rd friend named Jenn had to rescue her beer from her son Maddox (the very child I witnessed being born):
And at the end of the party, when most of our guests had cleared out, Scott entertained Max, Cam, and Maddox's big sisters Maya and Hannah, up in Max's room.
On Sunday morning Jennifer and I headed to the mall for a bit of girl time (SHOPPING), and then she headed back to Ottawa. I put Cameron down for a nap and when I went in to get her up I found her sound asleep on the floor!! Guess who figured out how to launch herself out of her crib? Guess who moved into her big-girl-bed tonight? Here she is giving it a test drive after I took her crib apart:
And here she is sound asleep tonight (after a bit of complaining). I was thinking we'd wait until the Fall to move her out of her crib, but like Max she had other plans. Interesting that she made the big move only 5 weeks before he did!:
I'm happy and pooped and ready for bed. Thank you to everyone who made this is a terrific Birthdaypalooza. I am truly blessed to have so much love in my life.

Musings From an Almost 35 Year Old.

One of my earliest childhood memories is of looking through a kaleidoscope. It was a grey, overcast, winter day. The kind where the snow is wet and it's no fun to be outside. I was sitting at the front window waiting for my father to visit me on Christmas day. I was waiting anxiously for a flash of yellow to burst through the tumbled grey tones of the kaleidoscope. I waited a long time. And when his dingy yellow car finally appeared (not nearly the sparkle of colour I had been hoping for), hours late, my Christmas present wrapped in a black garbage bag, I remember being thrilled beyond belief. He didn't stay for long, leaving me disappointed and abandoning my mother to assemble the million parts of the barbie van he had given me. In one shape or form that scenario has repeated itself for every Christmas and birthday that followed. The anxiety, waiting and disappointment that is.

I share this memory with you not to be a colossal bummer, but as a personal realization I have come to. Even though I am hours away from being 35, an "adult" already for many years, somewhere deep down, I am still that 4-year-old kid on Christmas. We all carry some crap with us from our childhood. That's not to say the crap should be used as an excuse for not getting on with things, but it's interesting that over 30 years later, I still feel that same anxiety around Christmas and my birthday. I want so badly for these holidays to be perfect, for them to go as planned. I try to find the perfect gift for everyone. And now as a parent, I try to make sure my kids have good memories of their first Christmases. In reality, all I've wanted all these years is something 100% out of my control. I've wanted my father to go back in time and not disappoint the 4-year-old me. To not leave me waiting. To not break my mother's heart as she saw me left disappointed that he didn't stay longer. To not treat my feelings so casually.

Now that I have my own children, I just shake my head, because I don't understand doing that. I can't even register behaving that way towards my own kids. But maybe the 4-year-old in him has left him with his own pile of crap to muddle through. My job as a mom is to not let my crap affect my children. At 35 years old, it's time to let go of some of my crap and move on.

So tomorrow, I won't wait for his call. Instead I will
Enjoy my friends and family
Embrace my birthday girl, my Cameron
Thank my mother for doing such a terrific job raising me
Give my inner 4-year-old a hug and tell her "it's all good, one day this won't hurt you so much"
Drink a glass of champagne to celebrate the next 35 years to come

Happy Birthday to me. And Cammie.

Early Autism Study: Take THAT Autism!

I have many, many days when Autism knocks me on my ass. I'm candid about it on my blog, because it is important that people know that having a child with Autism is really, really, REALLY hard (and families dealing with Autism get just about zero support from the Canadian government, be it Federal, Provincial, or Municipal). But to be fair, I also I have days where I rock the world and show Autism that I am not its bitch, and that at the end of this journey, Team Maxwell will prevail. Today was a good day.
Cameron has been participating in the Early Autism Study at McMaster University. I initially signed her up to participate because I was paranoid that she too would have Autism, and I wanted to know as soon as possible if that was the case. She visited the lab at 6 months, 9 months, and 1 year of age. Today was her 2 year check-in. Every time I bring her to the lab I worry that they are going to see something I have missed, tell me that while she appears normal, she is actually on the Autistic Spectrum. Each time I am wrong.
Today she was videotaped playing with an array of toys. When Max was put through this test he found one toy and played with it for the entire time. Cameron moved from toy to toy, playing appropriately, showing the toy to Brenda, the study coordinator, checking to see if I was paying attention. She loved it when Brenda blew bubbles for her, and yelled "BUBBLES" and when Brenda waited before blowing more bubbles, Cameron requested "more bubbles??" unprompted.
When Brenda showed Cameron the helicopter toy, Cameron went and found the propeller and returned it to Brenda each time it flew in the air, following its flight with her eyes. She also did table work with Brenda, imitating sound and motion by copying how Brenda was playing with cars, planes, pretending to smell a flower, pretending that a wooden stick was a flower and smelling it too.
The funniest part was the pretend birthday party. Brenda and the baby wore party hats, but Cam didn't want to wear a hat. She went a little too far with the pretend play dough birthday cake and licked the play dough resulting in a blue chin. Turns out Cam does a great Smurfette imitation.While Cameron was at the lab this morning, Max was getting observed at daycare by the Special Education Resource Teacher (SERT) from the school where he is enrolled in JK for the Fall, and a member of the Halton Autism team. I spoke with her this afternoon about how it went and I'm happy to report she was very positive about Max. The next step will be to meet with her, the school's Principal, the Autism team member, Max's lead therapist Nicole, his Resource Consultant Liz, and myself to talk about the Fall and what Max needs to make this successful.

So, today I kicked Autism to the curb. We'll see how tomorrow goes, tomorrow.

If you are interested in finding out more about the Early Autism study - click here.

If you would like to support Team Maxwell in the Autism Speaks Walk For Autism and get a very cool t-shirt, click here.

TMI Tuesday: My Best *Ass*ets.

As my birthday looms closer and closer, I find myself trying to figure out how in some ways it feels like I blinked and this year was over and in other ways it feels like it lasted a decade. I started going over pictures from the last 12 months when I found this picture and I thought - holy crap look at those **Awesome German Milkmaid Titties**!!Then I looked down at my reality. No longer breastfeeding, my breasts are no longer worthy of hoots and hollers on the streets. They now fall into the category of "more than a handful is too much". I'm totally okay with that, in fact, I actually prefer them at this more manageable/handful size. But damn...those ta-tas were pretty f*cking spectacular if I do say so myself.

This leads me to the main point of this post: What do you consider to be your best physical asset(s)? I used to think mine was my breasts, but now...now I think it's probably my butt. Yeah, definitely my butt. I'd post a picture here, but it's hard to do it justice without dropping my pants, so you'll just have to trust me - I have a great ass.

Mental Health Monday: If It Makes You Happy.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about "stuff". Not necessarily deep or heavy stuff, (though honestly turning 35 in a few days has me scratching my head, wondering where the time has gone??), but "stuff" in the physical sense. I often think the saying "the best things in life are free" is a pile of crap, but maybe it isn't. When I take a look at what really makes me happy, most of it, you can't put a price tag on.

Every morning when I drop Cameron off at daycare, I stop and look at this beautiful cherry blossom tree. I take a deep breath, take a moment and enjoy it. There are pictures of my kids, videos my friends make, quilt fabric, a barbapapa figurine my friend Jennifer brought me from Paris, my good luck Japanese Maneki Neko cat, and the generosity of others towards a cause I am passionate about.
My favourite gifts are ones that my friends make, be it a cd they pour their heart and soul into, a sketch in a notebook, or a knit shawl in the perfect shade of red.
I framed Cameron's art and hung it on the wall of my powder room so it is the first thing I look at every morning. It reminds me how lucky I am.
And when I see Max close his eyes, and enjoy the wind in his hair, at peace for a moment, that makes my heart swell with joy. These are just a few things that make me happy. What makes you happy? Are they free?

The Best Gift You Could Give Max.

Today is Max's 4th Birthday. It's also Scott's 29th birthday (for the 7th time). So, happy birthday to my two favourite guys!

As you all know, my son Max has Autism. You may not know that 1 in every 110 children and 1 in 70 boys is now being diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. 20 years ago it was 1 in 10,000. Scary shit, I know (first hand). You may have a child with Autism. Or a family member or close friend. Maybe there is a kid on your block with Autism. Heck, you may not know anyone with Autism but be deathly afraid of one day having a child of your own who ends up being diagnosed with this devastating disorder. I know I was.

Scott, myself, and many of our family and friends participated in the Toronto Autism Speaks Walk for Autism last year and were thrilled to raise over $5000 to support research into the causes, prevention, treatments, and cure for Autism. We were blown away by how generous our friends, family, coworkers and readers were. We're hoping you'll support us again this year.

Trust me I know times are tight for everyone. But I'm still going to ask you to support us if you can. $5. $10 or $20. Whatever you can spare - it all makes a difference and we appreciate every single penny.

I'm going to up the ante this year. If you donate $50 or more, I will send you one of our walk t-shirts. And if you join our team and walk with us, you'll get one automatically, regardless of how much you raise (we would love to have a sea of green shirts at this year's walk!!). While I'm at it, let me thank the talented Christopherr Mendoza of Designmojo who donated his time and talent to design this year's (and last year's!!) shirt for us. We will wear them proudly.

The best birthday gift you could give Max is to support him by sponsoring Team Maxwell in the Autism Speaks Toronto Walk For Autism. Thank you in advance! Remember - every penny counts!

Max is Registered For JK.

And then I barfed.

Wait. Let's back up a bit.

I was supposed to register Max for JK back in February. While I wish I was "just kidding", JK actually stands for Junior Kindergarten. In our public school system. I'm not sure when my baby turned into a boy on me, but here we are and once again I am faced with making really important decisions on Max's behalf.

I called the school in our neighbourhood and spoke with a very nice woman about our unique situation. Much to my surprise, she didn't cringe when I told her Max has Autism. In fact, there was a process set up for her to follow, and the school has a little boy with Autism in their Senior Kindergarten class this year. They were even making accommodations for this child from a scheduling perspective (a relief for me considering Max is in therapy every afternoon). All I needed to do was come in and fill out some forms, bring copies of birth certificates and property tax statements to get him "officially" registered to start this September. No biggie. The Special Education teacher called that afternoon and introduced herself. The ball was rolling.

It took me 2 months to go in and fill in the paperwork. And when I finally did it, I somehow "managed" to forget to bring all of that important documentation they required. I didn't return with that paperwork for another 3 weeks (and 2 calls and an email reminder from the school admin). After officially enrolling Max in Junior Kindergarten, I came home, felt light headed and went into my bathroom.

And then I barfed.

So here we are where we started.

The Special Education teacher is observing Max at daycare with a member of the Halton Autism team next Wednesday. They need to determine what his needs are and how they can best support him in the classroom. He will definitely require a dedicated EA (Education Assistant). At this point I'm not sure what other resources will be made available to him.

This is really happening and I couldn't be more stressed out about it. I know that if we decide Max isn't ready we aren't tied down to having him go to JK. I know that Max has shown me he can handle a surprising number of new situations, that he actually thrives when he is around other children.

But this is the real world, with real kids and adults that won't necessarily understand Max. Sure there will be people in place to watch out for him. It still scares me. It is a reminder that I can't protect him forever (like in this picture back in June 2009). I want to be able to shelter him from mean kids and ignorant adults. I want to keep him safe. But I don't want to hold him back.

Max deserves a chance to show us what he can do. Many people believe children with Autism should not be integrated into the public school system. They think they should be kept in environments that cater 100% to their needs. I get that. Many children with Autism are not able to function in an integrated environment. I think it's worth a shot though. We just have to be okay with backing out if it isn't what is best for Max. At the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Bana Nah Nah.

Whenever I look at pictures of Max and Cam I notice the same thing. She brings out the big brother in him. It doesn't matter if they are getting along or fighting like honey badgers, their relationship is one of typical of siblings. Cameron loves her big bro and we often joke that she is his pint sized shadow. She gives it as well as she takes it and she doesn't give a rat's ass that he has Autism. To her he is just Max. I kind of think that's a beautiful thing.

With that in mind, I thought I'd share some very cute pics of the kids from last weekend. They are sitting patiently at the kitchen table eating bananas (also known as Bana Nah Nahs).

Max: I'm not sharing my banana with her.
Cam: Where is my banana? Did you forget about me mama?Max: Hey look, it's SEE food.
Cam: I'd show you my SEE food too except I don't have any banana!
Max: If I smile really big will you stop taking pictures mom?
Cam: Pictures! Pictures Pictures PICTURES!
Max: What are you looking at?
Cam: Mama, Max is picking his nose...you told me not to do that, how come he gets to?
Max: Nom-nom-nom
Cam: Nom-nom-nom (keeping an eye on Max to make sure she stuffs her face just like him)