I have a mouth like a sailor. I know it isn't "ladylike" to swear/curse/use expletives, but my dog, I LOVE doing it. Mind you, I can clean up my language when I need to, like at work, or at the daycare (though I said a few choice words in the parking lot this morning after being informed that my sweet daughter Cameron has been biting the other babies). Now that Max knows how to say the word "duck" I especially need to be careful around the kids. But you have to admit, sometimes there is no getting around dropping a big ol' F-BOMB. Or muttering a few words you can't say on television under your breath. Swearing feels good. Curse words stick around because they have power and make an impact. They cut through when being polite has stopped working. There are a lot of people who don't approve of swearing. It makes them uncomfortable. Or they think it is a sign of lower intelligence, or uncouth. But some of the smartest people I know have the worst potty mouths out there, so that doesn't hold water with me - f*ck that!When are the best times to swear?
In the car: "You ASS HAT! Look before you change lanes - sh!t for brains!"
When you accidentally hurt yourself: "Mother f*cker! Son of a whore! Jebus F*cking Christ"
After getting off the phone with a particularly annoying person: "What the f*ck?!"
Lock your keys in the car: "Dog Damnit! Argh! For f*ck sake!"
Lose your wallet: "F*CK F*CK F*CK F*CK F********************CK!!!!"
When you are playing poker: "You ain't got sh!t you lying ass mother f*cker"
When you are drinking: "Listen you daft c*nt, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times, he's no f*cking good for you but you never f*cking learn!"
I guess what I'm saying is that if you drive with me, see me trip, overhear me ordering pizza, witness me lock my keys in my car or lose my wallet, or have the pleasure of playing poker with me (which typically involves drinking), you will more than likely hear some off-colour language coming out of my mouth. But not on my blog. Nope, here I'm all about the *!&$# and the @!*&.
I was once described thusly: "Soul of a poet, mouth of a Teamster." I will admit to a perverse enjoyment of some of the non-potty alternatives, though--my favorite? Melonfarmer. "OH, MELONFARMER!" Thank you, Ayun Halliday.
ReplyDeleteMy favourite is JACKASS..c'mon, say it. It just feels good.
ReplyDeletelol. funny as hell. i'm so going to come play poker with you next time in canada. oh, and when 50 cent "in da club" came up in rotation on my ipod while driving the other day, i totally thought of you.
ReplyDeleteGreat, great, post. You are hilarious!!!!
ReplyDeleteLyn
I immediately thought of a friend's son who was told by one of his friends how to swear without really swearing..he came up to us and said "shitake mushrooms" with a really long gap between the "shit" and the "ake" and then giggled and ran off yelling "I wasn't swearing - honest!!". Unfortunately it didn't have quite the impact he was hoping for as both his mother and myself were doubled over with laughter, almost helpless instead of shaking our fists in (mock) outrage at him. The cause of our mirth? There must have been a case of chinese whispers between the perpetrators of this little caper because what he actually thought it was was 'shit talking mushrooms'...the images in our heads of burly mushrooms with potty mouths...ahhhh - well, you might have had to have been there...
ReplyDeleteThanks for the laugh, much needed today.
ReplyDelete:)Tag
HAHAHA I swear in two languages. Thats bad. Makes my husband cringe.
ReplyDeleteI've always wondered why people use the F-word and "Jesus Christ" in the same sentence. It really boggles my mind. Especially people who DON'T believe in Christ...why use His name if you (not you personally, Kat - in general) don't believe?
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