Mental Health Monday: Petting Bees.

I seem to have opened the flood gates on the dam of childhood memories. Actually, I'm not sure if I remember this, or it is something that my mom told me about myself as a little girl. The story goes that I found bees to be quite interesting. I got my first bee sting at daycare when I was 3 years old as a result of trying to pet one. I never tried that again.

I respect bees. They work hard. They just want to be left alone to do their thing. And if you mess with them, it's on. They also instill fear in "predators" 1000 times their size. Add to that the fact that they are led by a strong female - and you had me at hello.

I read the book "The Secret Life of Bees" by Sue Monk Kidd when it first came out in 2003, and I found it very touching, but didn't truly relate to it. It was made into a movie a few years ago, and I recently watched it on TV. I now relate to it deeply, specifically to a character I never in my life imagined I would identify with.

It isn't the super strong August, or the or the stubborn and prideful June. It is the sister named May, who is described as "a bit unusual and not able to cope with sadness". May had a twin sister, April, who died when they were younger. It is said that even before she died, May always experienced the same feelings as April. When April died, something in May died too... It seemed like the world itself became May's twin sister.

I feel vulnerable like May. I avoid sadness like it's the plague. Sad movies, songs, poems, books, TV shows...they can all get stuffed. I rarely read the newspaper for fear that the sadness of the world will overwhelm me. I do my best to support my friends and family when they are down, to hear them out, but I fear I am not very good at it right now. Every day I try to keep my head above water, to not get overwhelmed by the reality of having a child with Autism. I look into Max's eyes and smile, trying to express to him how much I love him, that he is the most special little boy in the world, and I cling to the belief that his future is bright.

To do that, I have to embrace the things that make me happy and turn my back on anything that might pull me into the depths of sorrow. Ice cubes in the shape of stars, lopsided sand castles, butterfly fabric, and car dancing to ridiculous pop songs make my day. Top Model, So You Think You Can Dance, America's Best Dance Crew are some of the best entertainment on TV bar done. Hearing Cam sing "Baby Beluga" out of tune, seeing Max run around the backyard bare foot and finding Scott asleep on the couch with a basketball game blaring make me grin.

I wish I was strong enough to cope with the sad stuff, to hold other peoples' pain. For now all I can muster is sparkly purple nail polish and lady bug barrettes.