Friday, November 05, 2010

you're not so bad yourself.

My self-esteem has taken a beating lately.  Self-doubt, feelings of not being good enough, not having enough of me to go around, not being able to knock it out of the park every damn day, not getting dinner on the table, the laundry done, or cleaning my bathroom...not expressing my love well enough, and not living up to everyone's expectations.  I wonder if everyone feels like a failure all the time, or if it is just me?  I wonder if everyone has the little voice inside their heads saying "you have to do better, you have to hold all this together, because if you don't...".  If I don't, I don't know what will happen.

What will happen? Will everything fall apart? Maybe that would be okay.  Because then, when I go to pick up the pieces, I can pick up only the ones that I want to pick up, and leave the rest for someone else.  I went to talk with a therapist yesterday, and it was really empowering.  She told me that I'm strong, stronger than most people.  She told me I'm amazing, that no matter what life throws at me, I will make it through it where other people would be knocked down and give up.  She told me that I am worthy and powerful, and to not let anyone make me think otherwise.  And I believe her.

So I lead by example and try to be kind.  I reach out for help for me and for my family.  I try to understand that we are all tired, stressed out and sad.  I do my best.  I do my best.  That's all I can do.

3 comments:

  1. You are an amazing lady. Every day you give more of yourself than people do in weeks, months or even years. Don't be such a tough cookie on yourself. You need to recognize your awesomeness!

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  2. Anonymous4:10 PM

    I've been following your blog for a while. You are an amazing person. Please don't beat yourself up for not being "perfect." When you go to bed at night, pat yourself on the back for all the good things that you have accomplished that day.

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  3. I think we all feel inadequate far more than we should. I often wonder why men don't seem to struggle with those same feelings. I asked a good male friend why women feel so inadequate all the time and his response was interesting. He said that we seem to tie our self-worth to things that we inherently can't control, whereas men's self-worth is tied to things that are more easily controlled (like work and money). It was an interesting conversation that gave me a lot to think about and is making me re-examine how I judge myself. Another thing - why do we judge ourselves so much?! Shane always points out that I seem to have a running list in my head of all the things I did wrong in a day and all the ways I failed. Some serious brain re-wiring is required! Geez, is there a pill for that?!

    Just know that you are not alone. And you are strong and awesome and powerful. You are bigger and better than all the bad shit out there. And, if you ever think that you aren't, you know that you have friends to call - together we'll all kick bad's ass and make it rue the day it knocked on your door.

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