Monday, March 14, 2005

WWJD?, Chick flicks, and a kick in the ass.

This morning as I was pulling onto the QEW, I was cut off by a (wait for it) minivan driving motherfucker. Not, as it turns out, a green minivan driving motherfucker, but a purple minivan driving motherfucker. Since it is Marchbreak, all of the breeders are home with their children and traffic was actually not too bad, so I wasn't in my typical oh-damn-this-sucks-it's-only-Monday-and-I-am-so-sick-and-tired-of-winter mood. I mean, the sun was out, Sheryl Crow was on the radio (shutup) and I actually felt pretty good. So I didn't drive my car up this person's ass like he deserved, but I did follow him, amused at his mullet, baseball hat, CHIPS sunglasses, French bankrobber mustache and the big "what would jesus do" fish on the back of his purple minivan with the license plates "SHARONA1".

To answer your question (I know you are dying to ask!): apparently, what Jesus would do, is Jesus would drive a purple minivan and cut people off. I have never understood the need to state one's religious beliefs on one's vehicle, nor do I understand why anyone would pay to get vanity plates on a piece of shit Windstar, let alone something as uncool as "SHARONA1". If I really, really, wanted a certain name, and it was taken, I wouldn't settle for my favourite name with a "1" on the end. No I wouldn't. I would pick something else, or better yet, not do it at all.

Anyway, now that we have settled "What Would Jesus Do" we can all rest easy. My previous Poker Widow blog got a big pro-Scott reaction, to which I say "none of you really know the situation, so whatever". I will say, that if I have to be at home, by myself, I plan to:

a) drink really expensive wine
b) take a nice, long, bubble bath (using only spa quality products)
c) watch a previously Scott-vetoed dvd (selected from estrogen alley, the place no man can safely venture without his penis falling off)
d) eat yummy Neals Brother organic cheese popcorn

If you are wondering why there has been a lack of updates on the weight loss front, it is because I have been completely unsuccessful at shedding a single pound. I think it has something to do with turning 30 (I was warned this would happen). To combat this (I considered giving up, it really wasn't an option) I am getting super strict/honest with what I am eating and writing every, little, stinking, morsal, of food, down. I am eating a lot less at work so that I can eat a reasonable dinner at home, and I am switching up my workout routine with some weight lifting. I guess we'll see what happens. I am hoping that once it warms up outside I might also come out of hybernation mode and even maybe feel a little less hungry (hey, I can hope). Now I am going to go watch my new favourite show "Fat Actress" (after Jesus cuts you off in his ugly purple van, that's what he is going to do too...).

Edited to add: I don't have a problem with Jesus, followers of Jesus or anyone affiliated with Jesus. I only have a problem with people who publicize that they consider "What Would Jesus Do" when driving their vehicles, and then proceed to drive like assholes, which I personally consider to be rather un-Christian.

11 comments:

  1. Personally I think Jesus is full of shit.

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  2. Keep in mind that muscle weighs more than fat, and so as you work out and weight train, you will notice you are losing inches in your size, and not necessarily poundage on the scale. Which is cool. And good to know.
    Also, if you are feeling super moody, it has something to do with your body going through withdrawl. I felt like I was going insane when it happened to me. But then you feel 10x happier and energized.
    There is a light at the end of the tunnel!
    Take care.

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  3. I'll pretend I didn't read what Vixen said.

    Ooooh, that's gonna take a LOT of pretending.
    >:o(

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  4. For the first month of my workout program, I was very strict and dedicated, yet my weight or body fat percentage didn't change (I have a scale that measures body fat percentage through electrical resistance). The last few weeks, I've slacked off on my workouts. Yet when I weighed myself a few days ago, I discovered I had lost 5 lbs and dropped 2 percentage points on my total body fat. I just don't get it.

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  5. Oh Solitaire, don't worry. Jesus'll get me in the end.

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  6. CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. - Ambrose Bierce

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  7. Anonymous3:52 PM

    Yes, I too, am suffering from the "almost 30" weight stall. It sucks!!!

    I have tried to be as active as possible. My eating is better than it has been in months. The scale shows me no freakin' mercy.

    What's a gal to do?

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  8. Anonymous8:45 PM

    Likewise, as above. I'm 31. and have gained 10 pounds since I turned 30. I have noticed, though, that daily sex seems to be making the most difference of all! and it's fun.

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  9. At least I am not alone! Daily sex...I'll just quit my job, convince my husband to do the same, and we're off to the races ;-P

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  10. i personally think that the turning-30-means-gaining-weight thing is a load of horsepuckey. getting a job that forces me to sit on my duff all day is the reason why my duff suddenly resembles a bowl of jell-o.

    it's an excuse. yes, your metabolism slows as you age, but all of a sudden, whoosh, at 30? i don't buy it. i have a lot of 30 (and older) year old friends who eat, don't work out, and look great.

    be honest about what you eat, and exercise whenever you can. take the stairs instead of the elevator. walk to the store instead of drive. park at the back of the lot and walk to wherever it is you're going. btw,
    weight traning will increase your mass... i think someone mentioned that to you already though.

    get fit and good luck!

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  11. One of the many benefits of gaining extra muscle mass is that a pound of muscle at rest burns four times as many calories as a pound of fat at rest. This means as you gain more lean muscle, you actually burn more calories sitting on your duff than you did before.

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