The chicks hit the fan.

Much to my amazement, Dave N. was wearing a shirt again. According to his blog he has been sick though, so, we'll cut him some slack. Brooke looked a lot better tonight, leaving the gunny sack at home in exchange for a tight black halter top and oodles of silver chains.

On the "encore" tip, INXS asked Marty to sing Lithium again. I think he sang it better last night, but I am sure he was a little surprised to be singing tonight, so I'll be nice. At least he isn't a cocky so-and-so like J.D. Interesting how Brooke asked all the singers if they thought they would be in the bottom three. I wasn't looking that closely, but I noticed Jordis did not raise her hand. Lol - she is one confident woman, love it. Some of those guys who raised their hands were just trying to look modest.

Bottom 3: Jessica, Daphna, and Heather. WTF? WHERE IS BRANDON? HOW UNFAIR! While Jessica didn't offend me last night she certainly isn't anything special. Daphna blew big chunks last night (punk or not) and Heather, well, no surprise there really.

INXS "Save your ass" Covers:

Daphna - What You Need
I think she will forever more regret this pink babydoll wardrobe choice. I mean, pink babydoll...not very rock 'n roll. I thought this was a weird song for them to pick for her - they have been harping on her to sing songs that are more melodically challenging, and this certainly wasn't it. Funny that part of the band decided to play (how well can they actually hear when they are playing?). Definitely a better view of her butt though.

Heather - By My Side
Damn, she looked like she was barely breathing. Sullen, low energy - what the hell? The band put it best when they said it appeared she had already given up. She was better than last night, but so was the stale bagel I ate for breakfast.

Jessica - Elegantly Wasted
Another bad key for the ladies to sing in. I am surprised they don't have some of these songs arranged a third or fourth higher - seems obvious to me that they are going to have to do this on all of their songs if they pick a woman.

Given the heave ho: Heather and Daphna. I am not really shocked by this - I bet it will happen once more at least. There is a lot of dead weight up on that stage, and I doubt they still want to be doing this show 9 weeks from now. Also - woo hoo for Tara staying out of the bottom 3!

Rock 'n Roll is dead.

In case you are wondering why the delay in posting this blog, it is because I needed a night's sleep to recover from that horrible spectacle of a show last night where a bunch of badly-dressed-clown-faced-craptastic-"singers" got up and embarrassed themselves. You know that when the highlight of the show is that Dave Navarro actually wore a shirt, and Brooke Burke wore a green potato sack with her kid's grade 1 macrame project around her neck that it is going to be the longest hour of your life. I should note that not ALL the singers where horrible, but most of them were downright bad or just "meh". I'll put a little * next to the singers that knocked it out of the park.

Jordis - Gimme Some Lovin'
This girl is just so cute and happy to be rockin', how can you not love her? I have to say I have yet to be blown away by her singing, but I think it may just be that her singing and energy don't translate across the airwaves. It doesn't really matter though because she has the look, and she can clearly sing. Also, INXS lurves her and I think she could go up on stage and pee in a bucket and they would still tell her how awesome she is.

Suzie - Superstition
I have this thing about white women singing Stevie Wonder. DON'T DO IT. She just ended up sounding like she was trying too hard. During her song I was picturing her as the singer in the lounge in Japan in that scene from "Lost In Translation" where Bill Murray has the clips holding the back of his jacket together, and the eyeliner, and he is all mooney eyed over Scarlett....I digress. The token harmonica playing at the end bit the big weenie...and yet, INXS liked her (either that or they want to boink her?).

Jessica - Because the Night
She started out very nice, subtle, even dare I say musical. The song never went anywhere for me, and I had this feeling like we were all under water...may have been a bit of a pitch thing? It was nice to see her with some clothes on though and not moving around like a hoochy.

*Mig - Lola
I think Mig came into his own tonight and I could tell that the band was totally digging playing this arrangement. It was the first time where I actually saw Mig's personality come through, and he was also true to his voice, instead of posturing and imitating another rocker. Also - holy shit this guy is CUT. Woo hoo. Maybe that is why Dave Navarro put his shirt on.

Brandon - Tempted
Rule #1 when learning a new song is learn the fucking melody. I mean, jebus dude didn't even come close. How insulting. What a FUCKER! I have much loathing for Brandon. How has he not landed in the bottom 3 yet? Also, as a singer, when INXS tells you that you will benefit from the upcoming vocal clinic, you are in trouble. Brandon needs to pack his shit up and get ready to go.

*Ty - Everybody Hurts
I have said this before and I will say it again - Ty is the best singer in the bunch by far. I think he could sing anything. He was smart to tone it down a bit and sing a ballad. Also, I am wondering what he would look like with some hair? I appreciate that he is trying to stand out, but the mohawk may be distracting the band...they are pretty straight laced Aussies.

Heather - If It Makes You Happy
I was thinking, see, Sheryl Crow is not that great a singer, so Heather should be able to knock this out of the park but was I ever wrong. She sounded nervous and pitchy, the key was bad for her and she really should have been able to blow the doors off on this. Weird growling thing on "Mmmmmmmmmmmakes you" that I just hated. She said at the end that she has been sick (and as a singer, I totally understand that) so I hope that she gets better and has another shot next week. I think she may be in trouble if she lands in the bottom 3 and doesn't sing her ass off tonight.
J.D. - We Are The Champions
Was he singing an octave lower than he should have been at the beginning? Then, did he totally CHOKE on the melody? And try to get the audience to sing a line? Ummm...and the part where he just changed the melody because it didn't fit in his range? And then he blamed his fuck up on the fact that his long lost sister was in the audience? Dude, super lame. What would you do if you looked down and saw someone super famous in the crowd? Lose your shit? Come on! Word to Dave Navarro for saying the band played awesome, because they were truly wicked.

Deanna - Give A Little Bit
Kind of underwhelming (not a word, I looked it up). She didn't really take this song anywhere, I think the whole acoustic vibe was just too mellow for the song. I am wondering why she picked a song like this when she was such a baby about her song last week? The band lurves her though, so she's safe for now.

Daphna - Rock the Casbah
I think she had the melody wrong in the first verse, and actually, she may have been singing in the wrong key altogether. The first chorus got her back on track, but damn, she really shit the bed on this song. The whole toga look was NOT HOTT (despite what Dave Navarro said). Her body is one of her main assets - she needs to feature that as her voice was sub par last night.

Tara - Suffragette City
The band looked so unimpressed during her performance, I kind of felt bad for her. I mean, the song sounded alright to me but I don't really know it, so that's not saying much. She copped a weird attitude with the band at the end of her song, and it is probably just her being defensive after being in the bottom 3 for 2 weeks in a row. Not cool though, and again, Dave N. had a point with the "put that 'tude in your singing". I think Tara is on her way out...

*Marty - Lithium
Seemed a touch fast in the opening, and if it makes sense, even a little plodding? The first chorus onwards was great though - he really captured the song. The band clearly liked it, but I did agree with Dave N. that it wasn't his best vocal performance (a bit pitchy). But I like Marty, so I'm going to leave him be.

Bottom line tonight is that Brandon needs to go. J.D. and Heather should also be in the bottom 3. Guess we'll see what happens...

Step away from the mic.

Since we already know that nothing of any consequence happens on Monday night (at least, not on Rockstar INXS) this is more of a vanity post than anything else. Hey - how many whiny-pseudo-wannabe-rockers does it take to change a lightbulb? None - they get the band to do it in the background while they dance around out front trying to look badass.

Again with the toasting of Neal like he is dead. What is with all of the dudes bawling their eyes out like he was such a great contribution to rock? Gimme a break - he couldn't carry a tune in a bucket that guy. Get over it. Also, why does J.D. care if the other singers are "cool" with him? Only one person gets to be the lead singer of INXS dude. Balls out and go for it. Note, Brandon is a dipshit and he needs to shut it. Something else I learned - Mig is a sap (but all men are when it comes to them and their one and only).


Rockstar Clinic - Stagecraft (sounds like an optional course I tried to pass off as a required arts and science course....):
As a singer I know how hard it is to watch and/or hear yourself sing. On top of that to have a room full of singers critique you as well? Damn. That's tough. Question - why, oh why, do they keep picking on my man Ty? Also, Brandon needs to die in the face. He is such a douchebag, hypocrite, and a dumb dumb singer.

Song Selection:
J.D. tries to get Jordis to change songs with him, and actually convinces her to give up her first choice of "We are the champions". Kind of makes me want him to fall on his ass for doing that and playing head games with her. THEN, he tries to get her to switch back and she is all "whatever dude, talk to the hand" and that made me love her even more. What an idiot - again with the arrangement deal. I just loved how the band shut him down. HAH! I'm not sure whether tomorrow night is going to be a laugh riot or a quiet riot...guess we'll have to see.

You're just not right for our band.

What they should really say when they turf someone is "Mate, you couldn't hold Michael Hutchence's sweaty balls in your hands, let alone try to take his place". But I'm getting ahead of myself, so here's the recap from yesterday along with tonight's downer of show (I can't believe I missed "So You Think You Can Dance" for this...).

Last night Brooke came out rockin' the black bra and white wife beater. Hot look. Dave Navarro on the other hand needs to wear a shirt - just for once already. The performances went like so:

Marty - What I Like About You
His singing was okay, the song really didn't go anywhere for me. As usual, his dancing was kind of spastic and distracting, but apparently INXS dug it, so whatev.

Daphna - I Hate Myself For Loving You
She sang flat throughout the song, but I think the key was just too low. Scott, along with every other man with a pulse thinks she's hot.

Ty - Somebody Told Me
Buddy sang this better than the lead singer of the Killers - their singer is awful live though...weird how the band gave him a hard time saying his performance was the same as last week (yeah, if you mean he rocked out with the cock out). I don't get it.

Suzie - Roxanne
The tempo was too fast and she did not sing rhythmically enough or hit her marks at all. Again, a bad key - but really, the beauty of this song when Sting sings it is that he is a tenor at the top of his range, so it sounds awesome. Weird - the band loved it - how can they dig that when they gave Ty grief?

Mig - Walk This Way
Totally tense - I think he was afraid of forgetting the words. The choruses seemed kind of blah to me, not the Steven Tyler rendition I know and love. I'm not sure who was more relieved when he finished, me or him.

Neal - Summer of '69
His singing was OFF. He was so into pretend playing his guitar that he missed the melody completely. What a cocky asshole - for all the looks and style he can't carry a tune in a bucket.

Heather - It's Only Rock 'n Roll
I like that she doesn't appear to be trying too hard and taking on a persona that isn't her. Scott thinks she lacks charisma, but I just think she needs to practice her clothing removal as that ripping off of the shirt was not hot (strip clubs in Sudbury come to mind).

JD - Hand In My Pocket
See, I totally hated this dude the first night, but seeing that he's from New Glasgow, um, I mean OAKVILLE (wtf - again!) I have to give him a shot. I wonder if he got tired holding his arm in the air for the entire song. Weirdo. INXS lurves him big time and he totally kissed their asses with the "I am a true fan, they are not" bullshit comment. That did not go over well with the other singers.

Tara - Paranoid
I think she did awesome on this song and it's a hard song because it starts at 100% and just stays there, so you have maintain that energy throughout. Also, she looked badass with those red fingerless gloves. I'm glad the band dug it because she got a raw deal last week. For some reason I don't think she's connecting with the audience though.

Deanna - The One I Love
For all the bitching and moaning she did about getting stuck with this song I think she managed okay. I wasn't a huge fan of the interpretation and I thought it was forced. Apparently the band agreed with me.


Jordis - The Reason
I'm with Dave Navarro on this one - I have never liked that song. Still don't. Jordis is super cute though and the band loves her. She sounded kind of week in the verses though, but they called that "versatile". Um. Okay?

Jessica - Purple Haze
She reminds me of the trashy hoochie dancers that come out half way through James Brown's concerts when he gets too tired to boogie and needs some eye candy. Scott said "the early 90's called and they want their ripped jeans back". He was also commented that if Cher ever covered Purple Haze, that is exactly what it would sound like. Ouch. The band didn't like it either, which impresses me, because she dresses like a slut and I thought they we be distracted.

Brandon - Sweet Home Alabama
Too fast! And Bo Bice did it better. I just don't get any kind of a special vibe off this guy. But he did play guitar, which was pretty decent.

The Cut:
INXS started by giving props to Suzie, Mig and JD. I understand JD, but not the others.

The bottom three were Tara, Jessica and Neal. Not a huge surprise really. They had to sing their INXS songs to try to save face.

Neal - Suicide Blonde
This guy couldn't sing a melody if it walked up one side of him and down the other.

Tara - Mystify
Bad girl key (shocker!). Really a so-so cover, but better than Neal.

Jessica - Don't Change
Another bad girl key and a lame rendition. But the band sounded good...

So, they shit canned Neal, absolutely the right choice. I predict the women will start to fall next week.

Rockstar INXS: A lesson on why bands hate singers.

I'm trying a new experiment this week - blogging realtime while I watch Rockstar INXS. Yes, I know this makes me a geek, but I'm okay with that. And Scott thinks it's HOTT (and that's all I really care about).

On with it:

I love how they toasted Will like he was dead. Also, JD is from Oakville, why the hell are they listing him as from "New Glasgow"? And Suzie is from Mississauga, not Toronto - nice try!

Random jamming ensues when the band gives all the singers new guitars. Interesting that only Suzie and Heather bothered to pick them up - are they the only women that can play? Damn. What a waste of guitars - why not just hand out tambourines and buy Brooke more bikinis with the extra cash? (Edited to add that of COURSE Deanna plays guitar - Canada represent!)

Dave Navarro looks like he is channeling Prince with the white feather boa and white pants. And he is teaching style - at least he knows he looks like a jackass. Next, rockify the singers. When the fuck are these guys going to SING? Also, Suzie = not sexy.

I'm not sure what I think about them picking 14 songs and making the singers split them up. I guess that inevitably a singer is going to have to perform something they don't like, but I think that these guys should be able to pick songs that are going to make them look good.

Rehearsals:
JD - this is why musicians hate singers (wack wack wack!! is not how you describe a drum kick).

MIG - if "Walk this Way" is one of his favourite rock songs - how does he not know the words already?

Tara - I'm not sure if the sunglasses are going to help her rock out, but I want her to do well.

Deanna - more sunglasses...not helping. Bad key on "One I love"! (See - when you have to butcher the melody to make it work, that means it isn't working). Deanna is turning into a cow with the whole "I don't feel it" bit. Get over it.

And...I guess that's it. Some costumes, free guitars, and 4 rehearsals that were a prime example of why bands hate singers. Hopefully tomorrow's show will be better than this or else I'm just going to start skipping Monday nights.

Don't touch that squirrel's nuts.

Seeing as I spent the majority of today recovering from last night's festivities and randomly recalling funny things that happened/were said (Adam - you,me,lunch Fridays,book it!), it makes sense that I'm wound up like the energizer bunny, with sleep only something I will desire more of when I wake up tomorrow, running significantly short on it. Adam took many pictures and was kind enough to post them on his site. He's not in any of them - how did that happen?

So, the festivities...my friends Adam, Karem, Irving and Alana came over for a potluck bbq yesterday and we drank, and we ate, and we drank some more. The menu was truly fabulous:

Scott's famous margaritas
Jalapeno Havarti and Salmon Mouse
Flatbreads and dip
Kabobs & Garlic Shrimp
Grilled asparagus, zucchini, pineapple
Homemade potato salad
Tiramisu (with seven year old rum!)

Scott delivered big time with his margaritas and grilling expertise. His timing was impeccable as the first rain in 2 weeks came pouring down just as he finished grilling the pineapple (who knew it would be so yummy?). It was a fun evening and a good mix of people (I love it when a plan comes together). The six empty bottles of wine in my recycling bin might explain why my head was pounding this morning (I figure I was lucky that I managed to get myself into bed). The fact that pretty much every dish in my house was dirty also attests to the excellent food that was shared. I think that Karem and Irving are next to host, and once Lulu is moved into her new place, we'll pressure her into having us over to her fancy new abode for a party.

Since Scott and I were hosting yesterday we weren't able to go to Raye's goodbye picnic, but we did make plans to go see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with her tonight. Raye has seen just about every movie out there, and she was the perfect person to see it with. I felt like a little kid, who is old enough to get all the inside jokes. I'm not sure what the best part was, but I did like the squirrels, puppet burn unit and Oompa-Loompa musical sequences. I trust Raye will provide a review that will do it justice, I just like the nut jokes.

When it's bad it ain't bad enough.

I hate the lack of quality television in the summer. Remember how 2 summers ago the O.C. started up? What's going on this summer? Big Brother, the embarrassment of Canadian Idol and some shitty celebratory dance show do not cut it - I need more to give me a valid reason to plunk my ass down on the couch for an evening of sedentary entertainment. As an alternative I have been forced to get my butt to the gym. Unfortunate really, as I much prefer sitting and drinking in the comfort of my living room. Alas, Rockstar INXS has come to save me. Thank you INXS. Also, thank you for your "Kick" album which I still love to this day (even though I bought it back in grade 7 to listen to on the bus ride to Quebec City). I stumbled upon this show on Monday night and I was pleasantly surprised that while all of the contestants are trying to look and act like rock stars, the cheese/obnoxious factor did not make me turn off the tv before giving it a real chance. And oh do they rock and oh do they pose and oh do they sing. Seriously, most of these guys and gals can actually sing, and sing well. What a thrill!

Scott and I were chatting about the show last night and he thinks that it is a total marketing scam that they even have women on the show because there is no way INXS would have a female singer. I don't think it is a huge risk, because really, the strongest rock singers are Ty and Neal. I think they had to include women so that Dave Navarro would be a guest judge and for a little eye candy (I wonder what Carmen thinks of Brooke Burke getting the hosting gig?). I don't have ratings on each individual singer yet because I wasn't anticipating I would like the show so much. But next week, just wait. Next week I will give you the low down on what's what, but I can tell you it was no damn loss that Dana got turfed. More later on the hot hot heat, Captain Bitch Face (aka "the mad pisser"), and my new found motivation to get my ass in shape.

I got my driver's license 14 years ago today.

Lock your doors folks, Karla Homolka is finally a free woman. And as much as she says she will “never forgive herself” for what she has done, somehow that rings a little hollow to me. I’m glad that she has chosen to live in Quebec and not Ontario, though it does creep me out to think that when she does eventually return home to St. Catharines to visit her family, she’ll be driving pretty much right by my house on the QEW. I think she is exactly right to fear for her life, but it doesn’t break my heart because really, maybe it is appropriate that she should understand just an iota of a fraction of what her victims felt. I think she will be a magnet for fucked up people with the potential for violence and I also think she is attracted to these very people which is just a recipe for disaster. But maybe this is a “better the devil you know than the devil you don’t” type of situation. We all know we need to cross the street if we see her coming, it’s the ones that you can’t pick out…

Happy Canada Day.

Things are looking up from computer land. Scott's old computer is getting wiped clean and a new O/S is getting installed - and - I should have it set up tonight. Thank gawd as having to share with him has been tough - hence the lack of blogging. That's my excuse anyway! Not much going on from Katland, just that it has been f'n hot out and I have been hiding my fair skin inside, all the while attempting to convince Scott to turn the A/C up, just 1 stinkin' degree. I could insert a "he's so cheap he must be Scottish joke in here, but I don't know any". I finally just did it and he didn't seem to notice.

This pic is of the lovely Hanna. Isn't she just the CUTEST thing? Speaking of babies, our friends Jen and Brad are coming over tonight and Jen is preggers - due sometime in December (mid to late?). I asked Brad what Jen's due date was the other day and he said "I dunno..." and then I asked him if he was planning to take some vacation and he said "I hadn't thought about it yet...". So, clearly he is still working on getting his head around this baby, or he is just trying to act cool for me and Scott. Hah. I guess he still has 5 months to sort it out! Tomorrow we are heading out to Aurora to see our friends Shane and Steph and their baby Charlotte. They are reclaiming their social life, though I think they have done a damn good job of it already - they are out and about a lot with their little girl. So, here we go with Babypalooza 2005.

Tap, tap, is this thing on?

My 7.5 year old computer is on its last legs. I can't get mad about this as it really has put in its time, but it is a bit annoying to have to share (gasp!) Scott's computer with him. Good thing he is planning on getting a new computer soon so I can inherit his. That's how things work in our house, Scott gets something shiny and new, and I inherit his leftovers. It's kind of like being the second born I guess?

I've had a few thoughts about things I would blog about promptly, if my computer were not moaning and whirring and sounding like it may just combust on the spot. There has been some shit going on lately, so here is my take on the last week:

1. Michael Jackson verdict - this guy is seriously, seriously damaged goods. I don't know know if he actually molested that kid, but certainly his definition of appropriate behaviour is not normal. I'm thinking that not everything he has done is above board, that the mom of this kid is an opportunist, and that moving forward, MJ should probably stay away from kids. Kudos for Commie Haberdasher for calling it though - she said America would never put Michael in jail and she was right.

2. Tom and Katie - so, uh, do you think the whole getting engaged thing coinciding with the release of the new Batman movie was a coincidence? Doesn't he look like her dad? When I hear things like the movie industry is in a total slump, down something like 12 weeks in a row from last year's ticket sales, it makes me think that not only are these 2 putting on a show to boost their own careers, the studios are also creating these couples to boost box office sales. Fucking gross. Gross!! And I love that nobody is buying it, not even for a minute. And it just makes them force it more and try harder. In case anyone was wondering about how they are both popping up all over the place on magazine covers...these covers are planned/shot months and months in advance. If you think this hasn't been in the works since before Christmas you are sadly mistaken. Even sadder, Katie wasn't even his first choice. Reports have it that Jessica Alba and Kate Bosworth were the #1 and #2 choices for Tom (offers went out to date/marry the guy) and they turned it down. Think about it - all of these ladies are young, beautiful, have big movies coming out. A match made in heaven. Wrong on so many levels...what people won't do to be famous, eh?

Suck My Left One.

Summer babe related difficulties continue...there is something about sitting on the deck, drinking Scott's famous margarita's with friends that just saps the blogging inspiration right out of me. It isn't that there haven't been any "I'm so blogging this" type of moments, because there have, but the thoughts are fleeting and by the time I actually sit down at my computer, I'm all, what was I going to blog about again? But not to disappoint, I do have an update on my kitties for you.

Date/Time: Saturday - 10:30AM
Scene: Scott, me, Samba at our vet's office
Reason: Samba has this bald patch on her right hind leg and I have managed to convince myself that she must have feline leukemia or some other horrible condition.
Results: $56.00 later we learned that Samba is just really stressed out and she is coping with her stress by licking her back leg obsessively - so much that there is no more hair left. She has also done this to the inner part of both her front legs. We were given the choice of some cream that tastes bad to deter her from licking herself in the affected areas, kitty Paxil to help her chill out, or we could remove the stressor.

What is the stressor you ask?
Bossa. Bossa is the stressor. Our big fat bitch of a cat tries to catch and/or kill Samba on a daily basis. Apparently, this stresses Samba out. Go figure.

Solution:
Date/Time: Saturday - 1:30pm
Scene: Scott and me in the baby department of Sears
Reason: We have decided to the best way to remove the stressor from Samba's life (Bossa chasing her) is to have a baby so that Bossa will be distracted by the screaming antics of a 1 month old. Just kidding. That would be a bad reason to have a baby. We have decided to purchase a baby gate (on sale for $29) to put at the top of our stairs to keep Bossa off the 2nd floor of our house so Samba can live in peace. I installed the baby gate when we got home. So, we'll see if Samba (who is cute, but not that smart) figures out that she doesn't have to fear that at any moment she will be chased under the bed and cornered at random. Also interesting will be how long it takes Bossa to retaliate by pooping in our entry way as per her typical method of self-expression.

Total cost: $85
Samba's mental health: Priceless

Summer-babe related difficulties.

So, I am feeling so uncreative right now, that I stole that title straight out of the Mincemeat Vixen's blog...and according to Jennifer, that's a straight rip from Pavement. Yeah, I know, I'm a bad person. Seriously though, this hot weather is making me a bit mental, unmotivated, and generally lazy. I predict this will end some time in mid September when the weather returns to shit.

So, summer thoughts....

Has anyone else noticed that people who drive 300 series BMWs drive like assholes? They must be making up for their small dinks.

Dinks is such an insulting term for penis's, ain't it? Love that.

I just found out on Friday that someone in a position of power in my life drives...wait for it...a green mini-van. This is unsurprisingly fitting, given the person.

I am such a bad friend, that my bestfriend wrote me an email today asking why I wasn't returning her calls and was I pissed at her. Hardly...I think I was passed out on Sunday when she called me...note to self...again...on the consumption of white wine in the sun.

Jessica Alba just really needs to pose for Playboy already. Love that.

Summer love or lust or whatever is short, intense and fleeting. Don't miss that.

I told Christopherr that the NBA finals would be San Antonio vs. Detroit and he was all "No way, it's gonna be Phoenix vs. Miami". WRONG. San Antonio will win it in 6 games. Thanks for coming out. While he is rooting for the Spurs, I am all about Detroit, even though Larry Brown is an ass-hat.

Drop it like it's hott.

Some weeks are so jam packed with action you know you will need the next week to recover. The combination of the beautiful weather and lack of anything worth watching on TV has pulled me out of my shell and kicked any remaining winter blues to the curb.

Sunday - Scott and I went and checked out our good friend Alex's band The Free Press at the Rivoli. Gotta be honest, I was a little nervous about hearing them because I wasn't sure what I would say if they sucked. Good news, not only did they not suck, they were really excellent. Great vocals (all of these guys can sing), tight playing, and I'll be damned if they didn't rock their asses off - on a Sunday night to boot.

Monday - A bit of a right off (pretty standard for Mondays...)

Tuesday - Scott was on the radio (his star is rising folks and I am all about grabbing onto those coattails). I visited my friend Alana and checked out her new house, kickass flooring and all.

Wednesday - We met up with our crazy and bodacious friends Brandie and Vera at Fionn MacCool's for a comedy show. Comedy show didn't end up starting until way late, so we bailed before it got underway, but it was terrific to get caught up with them. They threw my bachelorette party last August and I am still recovering. It is a good thing I was too inebriated to remember half the stuff I did...I'm sure it would make me blush.

Thursday - Low key night for me, I watched the Miami/Detroit game (GO PISTONS!), Scott played darts with his buddy Michael.

Friday - Low key night for both of us - I drank half a glass of wine and then passed out on the couch while Scott watched his new Dave Chappelle Season 2 dvd and woke me up with his explosive hooting and hollering.

Saturday - Just about to go to lunch with the family and then over to our friends Dave and Jen to test out their brand spankin' new bbq....gotta love summer.

Olga Kaersvang - 1920 to 2005.

My Grandmother, Olga Kaersvang, passed away on May 30th. She was 85 years old. While 85 years is a pretty good run at it, I am still sad. She was a special lady - a mother of 6 children! She moved her family to Canada from Denmark in the 1960's so they could have a better life but returned to Denmark before I was born due to my Grandfather's poor health. This is a picture of her and me in the summer of 1982.

She had a lovely lilting accent when she spoke English (or what we called "Danglish") and she never quite mastered the use of pronouns (but I'm not throwing stones because I do not speak a word of Danish). The card she sent when I was born read:

"Little Darling Baby. Im so happy about you ariving ind our family. I wel be seeing you sun, so be good. Bedstemor" She also sent one to my dad. It read "Tank you for the telegram. i am happy for our little Katrina. (Our was underlined twice.) Take good care of hir and the darling Mother of Katrina." It was addressed to him as "To my son and new happy Father."

My dad is flying to Denmark tonight for her funeral. Rest in peace Grandma.

Good weave, bad attitude.

Yesterday afternoon Scott and I headed downtown to my friend/coworker Adam's place in High Park for a potluck dinner party. Also in attendance were Christopherr, Lulu, Lulu's sister Tuctic, Karem, and her partner Irving. Not to be forgotten, Adam's lovely cat Speck.

We presented ourselves at 5:30, as per the invitation (this was a classy event), potato soup and mixed greens salad as our offerings. Karem and her super cool partner Irving were already there so after we unloaded the food and wine, we caught up on the latest news and gossip and took a tour of Adam's sweet pad. The first bottle of wine was soon opened and finished...not long after Lulu, Chris and her sister appeared with more food, and more wine.

Bottle of wines #2, #3, and #4 somehow disappeared over a sophisticated cheese plate and fresh bread and Karem's mom's top secret Chilean dip (not sure how to describe it...something like salsa, but less tomato, more kick, and a million times better). As I started heating the potato soup and chopping up the tomatoes and avocado for the salad, I saw the lone bottle of red sitting on the counter. Could it be? Surely not! One bottle of wine left for dinner and 8 people? With the richness of the food, the wine was flowing freely. Action must be taken to rectify this.

Scott and Irving were sent on a wine mission to the LCBO. They did not disappoint, reappearing within 20 minutes with 5 or 6 more bottles of wine. Dinner was served, bottles #5 - #8 were enjoyed over Adam's incredible home baked bread, my potato soup (recipe c/o the Domestic Goddess), mixed green salad, savory roast chicken and root vegetables. We wisely decided to take a break between dinner and dessert and went outside for more conversation and to polish off what was left in our wine glasses. I think that Adam and Irving may have been a bit scandalized by the drunken ladies in their midst. I know Scott and Christopherr are used to our antics, so they remained unphased.

When Adam's neighbour slammed her window shut, we took the hint and went inside. A fine dinner is not complete without dessert, and Karem blew the doors off with her Tiramisu made with 7-year-old rum. She kept threatening to make it with less rum next time...blasphemy! I'm not sure what my favourite part of the evening was, but it was a lot of fun. Scott, designated driver for the evening, steered me towards the car at 1am. I don't know where the evening went, but good times and food were had by all. I am also very thankful that Adam sent us all home with the leftover bread he made as it aided in my recovery efforts today (excellent soaker upper of all of that wine in my system!).

Pocket Aces on American Idol.

So before I forget - did you see the top 10 idol contestants in the audience? Was it just me or is Jessica Sierra preggers? Also, what did Anwar do to his hair? Boy I have missed Nadia and I sure didn't miss Mikalah (you aren't fooling anyone with that blonde hair missy!).

One thing I will never understand about American Idol is why they move away from their formula of success on the last show. What people connect with is hearing songs they know sung by singers they either like or loathe. I understand that these noname songs may or may not be the winner's first single, but nobody knows them, not even the judges like them, and they are always, without fail, shitty ballads that have no shelf life. Does anyone remember Kelly Clarkson's first single? Yeah, me neither. Let's dive in.

Round 1 - The flop.

Bo Bice - "The Long, Lonnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnng Road" (OPS*)
Have I mentioned yet that I hate it when they make the finalists learn these weak ass "originals"? They are always ballads, the singers always sing them really tentatively because they are so fearful they will forget the words, and they are always, without fail in the wrong key for the singer. Add to that gratuitous key changes, an unnecessary choir, and songs that are more than two octaves in range and you have a disaster waiting to happen. WILL THEY NEVER LEARN? In addition, after singing for like a million weeks straight, days of rehearsals, and the stress of it all, the finalists sound exhausted and Bo was no exception. He was lucky if he only sang half of the notes in that song flat and got half of them in tune (and those were flukes). Especially weird was that the judges were critical of Bo's song "choice". Ummm...what did he have to choose from? I'm willing to bet that OPS* was the best of the pile.

Carrie Underwood - "Inside Yer Heaven" (OPS*)
Continuing on the theme of "You can spray paint a turd gold but it's still a turd", Carrie got stuck with yet another OPS*. She sounded like she was sight singing at a church choir rehearsal. WHY MUST YOU TORTURE ME? And for the second time this night we were inflicted with a badly written key change that made her sound like a yelping baby seal. Note to the American Idol song writers - the American National Anthem isn't even 2 octaves - why, oh why do you "compose" (and I use that word loosely) these pieces of tripe with unreasonable ranges that force these singers into the stratosphere? Did anyone else notice that Carrie was noticeably shinier by the end of that song? Somebody get that girl some face powder.

Round 1 Results - Zero/Zero Draw (hence the "flop")

Round 2 - the turn.

Bo Bice - Vehicle (Singer's choice of song from previous week)
I think I missed the "70's week" when Bo sang this. While everyone is enjoying is performance they are totally missing how forced his voice sounds and how worn out he looks. I suppose I should just be glad he didn't sing acapella. And big surprise, the judges are kissing his ass again. Enough already!

Carrie Underwood - Independence Day (Singer's choice...)
If that first song made you doubt that Carrie can sing, this song was a strong reminder that not only can she sing hella good, she is going to sell a lot of albums and make someone a lot of money (not her, with that shitty contract she's going to be forced into). The last note was wicked flat, but as I said before, at this point in the competition both the singers are lucky they can even speak let alone belt out three songs in one night. Interesting how the judges told her she should be "proud at how far she came" and once again, Simon is the only one who can actually hear what the tv audience is hearing at home.

Round 2 Results - Bo wins (getting better...)

Round 3 - the river.
Bo Bice - "Inside Yer Heaven" (OPS*)
Dude is ready to be done with singing these cheesy power(ish) ballads already. This was one half-assed, half-hearted, rendition, but I can't even blame him. He's holding onto that mic stand like it is his security blanket. Bo's singing was so mechanical on this song that I think he was emoting to the teleprompter. He sounded like raw meat by the end and I do believe that Randy is fucking deaf. How can you say that this was any better than Carrie's version?? The only reason you like it any better this time is that you have had the benefit of already hearing it before since she had to sing it first, DAWG!

Carrie Underwood - "Angels Brought Me Here" (OPS*)
Big shocker, another ballad, and more choir. This was likely the least shitty of the OPS* songs sung tonight. Like Bo, Carrie's voice was shot by the end, but she pulled through (even though she looked like her face was going to crack). Her voice broke on the last note which was unfortunate (not the last thing you want America to hear before they head to the phones). Once again, the Randy and Paula were super patronizing, and Simon aptly pointed out that Bo is much older and has a lot more experience, but she could still win.

Round 3 Results - Carrie wins (are those tears I see?)

So, that's Round 1 as a draw, Round 2 to Bo, and Round 3 to Carrie. Bottom line is that both of these guys can sing, though Carrie is likely the better actual singer of the two. Bo is a better performer though, and he has that whole sexy rocker thing going for him. The other thing is that there has never been a white male American Idol and I am sure America can't have that! My prediction is that...Bo will win by a "fairly" close margin, but it wouldn't break my heart if I was wrong. Regardless, between now and tomorrow these two need to take a vow of silence, wrap their tired throats in scarves and drink gallons of green tea. Dr.Feline's orders!

*OPS = Original piece of shit

We'll always have Paris.

There's something about May 2-4 weekend that is magical. The obvious thing about it is getting that extra day off, which doesn't suck at all. Then there is the weather, which usually comes together for at least a few nice days of sunshine. And it is always, bar none, social. We kicked off this weekend on Friday night with a visit from my bestfriend Jennifer. She appeared on our doorstep at 11pm - I was passed out on the couch (long day, beer + wine) and Scott was watching basketball. We chatted and fed Jennifer beer until about 1am and then called it a night. Saturday was pretty chilled out, though we did go to H&M and buy many stylish and relatively inexpensive items of clothing. I keep telling myself that the fact that my new linen kulottes were made in Cambodia and my sweet ass corduroy jacket was made in Bangladesh does not mean that H&M is taking advantage of cheap 3rd world labour, but who am I kidding?

Saturday night found us at the Rivoli for our friend Alex's 30th birthday party. We got to catch up with a bunch of friends we haven't seen in a while and as always the case with Alex, we met some interesting new people as well. Of particular note was Alex's friend "Alex". Hereby referred to as "French Alex" (he's from Quebec) to avoid confusion. I think we talked for over 2 hours straight (everything from why I shouldn't feel sorry for Britney Spears to heavy duty male vs. female psyche stuff to recent developments in Canadian politics). I bring it up only because it is a rare occurrence to hit it off with someone like that when you just meet them, and enjoy a conversation to the point that you don't want to get up to pee (even though you really have to) because you are so engaged in the banter. Scott teased me about it later, but I think he was just happy that as designated driver I remained sufficiently entertained for the evening that I didn't want to leave at 11:30pm (lest I turn into a pumpkin). We parted ways with Alex (both of them) and company at about 1am when they decided it was time to go dancing and I decided I was far too sober and my feet hurt. Sunday = gardening and more beer + wine, Monday = chillax.

I'm addicted to you, but you know that you're toxic.

I am a little ashamed to admit it, but yes, I watched the premiere of the Britney & Kevin show last night. I believe I managed to clean up all of the brainmatter that dripped out my ears during that hour of my life that I will never get back. I'm not 100% on how I even feel about what I witnessed. I know I feel kind of sorry for her, because she is such a shell - an empty one at that. It makes her the perfect product pusher, whether the product is her (young, sexy, dumb, blonde) or diet coke, or sketchers, or whatever. It also makes her an incredibly shallow, boring, uneducated, vapid, clueless person. And now it has been laid out for all of us to see.

What amazes me is that her handlers thought this was a good idea. How does knowing that Britney is essentially a desperate woman with no self-esteem or self-respect who just wants to "fuck all day" (her words, not mine) help her? At least with Nick and Jessica the production was of decent quality, and you got a good laugh at their interaction as a couple. I just felt terribly uncomfortable last night as I saw Britney fall for this player who is clearly only along for the ride. "Love is love" - that's fucking deep dude. She's so desperate that she married some guy who was willing to leave his girlfriend who was pregnant with their second kid. Wow, great catch there. It isn't that I think she is worth more, or deserves better, I'm just horrified that the "geniuses" that built her up are letting her expose herself in such an unflattering way. Who knows, maybe America will eat her up and love her even more for showing them her husband's ass and talking about favourite sexual positions for an entire hour. Now I understand why this is only a six episode series - how long can you stretch out pig faces and ground breaking confessionals like "I want to marry Brad Pitt" and "Eminem is brilliant"? Let's hope that baby of her fulfills her unsatiated need of being loved unconditionally. It will probably be the only being in this world that doesn't need her to be anything but who she is.

And then there were three.

This week the final three contestants on American Idol had to sing three songs each - a Clive Davis pick, their own pick, and a judge's pick. This is the only week they had a celebrity judge this season, which was good, because all of the previous celebrity judges were full of shit and just happy someone was singing their tunes. Clive knows his stuff and gave good feedback, so I'm okay with him as a judge (better than Paula who thinks everyone is the cat's ass). Anyway, I think I managed to capture it all (3 pages of notes holmes!), so here we go:

Round 1: Clive Davis' pick

Vonzell Solomon - I'll Never Love This Way Again
Our girl started out a little pitchy and never really solidified the notes. I think she was just nervous, which affected her support, which made her sing a bit flat and with low energy. She also pulled a Mariah Carey by starting the song at 95% and then blowing the doors off and ending at 150% (way too much). Thing is, she also got stuck with a very difficult song (harder than Bo and Carrie's) and going first has got to be rough. I agree with Clive that you can't sing this song with a whimsical twinkle in your eye (but she can't help it 'cause she's just so damn cute!).

Bo Bice - Don't Let the Sun Go Down On Me
Buddy started out SO STRONG. I was sitting there thinking, damn dude, you go! But as the song progressed, I felt like the arrangement went kind of Disney (what is with the synths and horn overkill?). Scott thinks he is overdoing it on the sunglasses...but he is kind of a rockstar, so I'll give him some slack. The judges are doing enough ball licking to please a neighbourhood of unneutered hounds (yes, we get it, you lurve him and you want him to win and you really believe he will win). Cripes almighty and there are still 7 more songs to go!

Carrie Underwood - Crying
In case you are wondering, she did the KD Lang version of the song and she sang it beautifully. This is probably the best vocal I have heard her do - she was believable and sincere. I don't agree with Clive and Simon that she should have done the octave jump at the end like Roy Orbison - they forget that he was a tenor - that may work in a guy's vocal range, but not in a woman's (not in that key anyway).

Round 1 Winner - Singing - Bo
Round 1 Winner - Performing - Bo

Round 2: Singer's pick

Vonzell Solomon - Chain of Fools
Baby V seemed a lot more comfortable singing this song. She worked the stage and sang a perfect vocal. I think most people don't get how hard that is to do because they usually hear studio recordings and "live" performances that are lipsynched. Don't kid yourself, Vonzell is a better singer than Beyonce or any other R&B singer her age who is currently on the charts. To sing this well, this consistently shows she has got the goods. I don't agree with Clive that she missed the "soulful essence" of the song, but whatev.

Bo Bice - Within A Dream
What a wanker. I totally hate it when singers get all full of themselves and decide to sing solo acapella. While it was certainly impactful, it would have been so much more musical if he had sang it with guitar or even just bass and drums. I don't think he ended in the same key he started and the ending kind of fell apart as well.

Carrie Underwood - Makin' Love Out of Nothing At All
Definitely the cheesiest song of the night - I think she was channeling Meatloaf...I am not sure what possessed her to pick this song - she certainly sang it powerfully. I didn't find it musical at all, but the judges liked it.

Round 2 Winner - Singing - Vonzell
Round 2 Winner - Performing - Bo (wank wank wank)

Round 3: Judge's pick

Vonzell Solomon - On the Radio (Simon)
I could watch Vonzell perform all night - she really is the most likeable contestant. This really is the type of music she should record. The transition from the beginning into the upbeat tempo was off, but otherwise, what's not to like?

Bo Bice - Satisfaction (Paula)
Scott and I are both tired of this song getting covered. What is with the cheesy porno/wedding song bass and Vegas horns? I think the band is punishing Bo for not using them in Round 2. He was so busy running around the stage that he didn't sing the "I can't get no" part of the song in tune - not even once. I am sure that the Stones are somewhere rolling their eyes...or is that a joint?

Carrie Underwood - Man I Feel Like a Woman (Randy)
This is a good song for her, but she sang it in the original key and it is too low for her. The band was way overpowering - which is too bad because I think for the most part she sang very well and had a lot of fun on stage.

Round 3 Winner - Singing - Carrie
Round 3 Winner - Performing - Bo

Conclusion:
At this point in the competition there really aren't any bad singers left (except for the first season when that redhead rocker chick (Nicky?) made it into the top 3...that was a travesty). The judges are clearly rooting for Bo to win overall, and then Carrie in second place. I think Bo took the night overall (the best "Performer"), but Carrie is the best singer. Vonzell is the most likeable and one helluva a singer and therefore should not be discounted. American has been on the crack before, so it will be interesting to see what happens tomorrow.

'Cause every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

This is my friend and coworker Chris. Isn't he stylin'? Isn't his hair wicked? Check out those threads. We are currently working on the Christopherr (that's right, 3 R's) M. Style Guide. Not to worry, it will include everything from what product(s) to use in your hair, correct amount of cuff to be showing, how to primp one's collar, and most importantly, how to look oh-so-cool-as-a-cucumber when being photographed. See, he's mastered that, "alright, I guess I will allow you to photograph me if you must" look. Notice I look a little bit "special" in this picture...or is that starstruck (like, ohmygawd, my friends are never going to believe this, I must preserve this for prosperity)? The best thing about Chris is his walk. This man will hurry for nobody. One day as we were walking to my car, his girlfriend Lulu and I were chatting up a storm and I looked back, and there's Chris, 20 feet behind us, strollin'. I yelled "Chris, why you movin' so slow?" and he said something slick like "hey, when you look this good, you gotta move slow so everyone can check you out". Wiser words have never been spoken.
For those of you who feel completely hopeless, like, I will never look this stylin', there is hope. He didn't always look this good. No he did not. In fact, (and I ain't 'fraid to say it) for a while there, he looked like a complete dirtbag. See, the story goes that for years he shaved his head. Then one day, he stopped. Cold turkey, stopped. For four months he just let it grow and grow. Not one visit to the hairsalon to get it shaped, trimmed, nothing. He looked like a porcupine. He wore a baseball cap for months (not an ounce of product in his hair!). His porcupine head made him feel gross, so he started dressing like a dirtbag too. Sweats and t-shirts, ill-fitting jeans and grubby sneakers. I would look at him and ask "Chris, would please just get a haircut?" and he would shake his head stubbornly and chuckle (apparently looking like a dirtbag was funny to him). But that's Chris for you, a man of few words (most of the time), and a true diamond in the rough. Dirtbag to debonair, you saw it here first folks. And hands off ladies, he is spoken for - though feel free to comment and tell him just how fine he looks (it's good for his ego).