Tuesday, October 19, 2010

tmi tuesday: like a virgin.

My parents will be pleased to know that I arrived at college with my virginity intact. Not that this is something to be proud of or to wave over my head as some sort of moral standard, but you know, I like to over share. At some point between my first day of college and the birth of my first child, I clearly lost my virginity.

When I look at this picture, I feel a whole bunch of emotions. Mostly sad (and not because I was still as pure as the driven snow). I look really happy in this picture. I’ve always been good at turning on the smile for a photo op. The truth is, that even back then I was suffering from severe depression and anxiety. Studying music made me hypercritical of myself. Nothing I ever produced was good enough, for me anyway. I also got incredibly nervous whenever I had to perform. That probably should have made some bells and whistles go off somewhere, but I had decided I wanted to study music. Music was the only thing I found challenging at that point in my young life. In my mind, it was clearly the thing I should be attempting to conquer. Yeah, in retrospect it makes no sense to me either.

I want to take that young woman by the shoulders and shake her and say:
  • You are awesome.
  • You are beautiful.
  • You are smart.
  • You are going to do important things in your life.
  • You should probably be studying carpentry – you would enjoy it a lot more than music.
also...

  • Your roommate (the one with the big boobs and the fake smile) is a jerk, don’t pay any attention to her.
  • Don’t fall for that cute guy just because he’s an incredible musician – he doesn’t like girls and he doesn’t know it yet and he’s going to give you a complex.
  • You should pay more attention to that Jewish guy who is quirky and quiet – he’s going to turn out to be an incredible man.
  • One day you are going to be tight with that guy who keeps sleeping with all your friends – so, don’t hate the player.
  • The young women you are friends with now will still matter to you in 15+ years. Even the one who chased you down the street because she thought you were trying to steal her man!
one last thing...
  • Don’t spend so much time self-obsessing and feeling bad.
  • Run more and don't eat so much dairy queen (you're lactose intolerant dummy).
  • Get on some medication to help you feel better.
  • Enjoy getting to make music everyday and don’t take it for granted.
  • What’s with the plaid shirt?

Of course, even if there had been someone to say all of that to me, (and I’m guessing there was and they did) I would have ignored their words of wisdom. Because that is what being young and foolish and needing to fall on your own ass is all about, right?  Damn I was a cute kid.

4 comments:

  1. *heart*

    Nice Katrina. :)

    And, plaid is making a huge comeback this season.

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  2. Anonymous9:42 PM

    You were and are beautiful. I have been saying that for a long time.

    mb

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  3. What a great post! I think I'd have the same advice for the college-age me. Sometimes I still need to hear it for myself.

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  4. Vanessa8:09 PM

    Studying music certainly brings out the worst self-critic in all of us. Music is a bad lover - it lies and cheats and plays come-here/go-away games, but we keep coming back because of the amazing highs it gives us that nothing else can.

    Anyway ...

    You are a beautiful musician and singer, and I'm honoured to have been your roomie in Banff.

    The music you wrote to that Maya Angelou poem was really fantastic, I'd love to hear that again someday.

    love you!

    ReplyDelete